In Pictures...

For those that have been through a divorce with children involved, you will understand what I am going to talk about today. Divorce is an ugly thing, not the unpardonable sin that I was raised to believe it is, but still not a pretty thing. The REAL victims of divorce are not the parents but rather the children. I mean...let's face it...you get to be rid of somebody that you hate getting up in the morning and seeing at the kitchen table drinking coffee! The kids though don't see it that way. The kids are going to miss somebody no matter who wins.

The situation is even worse when the parents live long distances from each other. My two older children have been raised in Michigan with their mom...while I live in Georgia. This situation has been hard on everybody involved, but particularly the children. I have struggled with the guilt of this for a long time and finally had to accept it for what it is. The hardest part of it, for me, is that I see them 2-3 months out of the year and you really don't realize how much a kid grows in a year till you only see them once a year. Every year it is like I am meeting completely new kids.

Rebekah Jewel is a little lady now. And little is just a manner of speaking! She has grown so much. Is a bookworm, just like I was when I was a kid. She is intelligent and witty. She is beautiful, going to be a real looker when she is all grown up. I am protective of my kids, and I hate I am not there to be the guy on the front porch cleaning out my shotgun scaring off the numb nuts that are wanting the only thing I wanted when I was their age! My little girl has gotten so big...My heart is too full of a myriad of emotions to really express what I feel. She will be thirteen this year. Another birthday I will miss...another Christmas I might miss unless I can find a way to make it happen. So many things. I haven't been there for homework, volleyball games, grades, report cards, detentions.....so many things that make up real life...make a parent a parent.




Benjamin Joel is also growing in leaps and bounds. This kid just amazes me. He is eleven. He is almost a tall as me and is already taller than Papaw (my dad) and Granny (by a long shot!) He has to be 5'9" which just blows my mind! He is a comedian. Everything is a joke, but under it all is a serious kid. While his sister is into reading books...he wants comic books...go figure. BJ used to have problems with wetting the bed....that problem seems to be gone. He had anger issues for a while, that also seems to have gotten better. He plays soccer...something I don't even have pictures of him doing. They are both taking taekwondo. He is big...but clumsy...but you can see he will be a good looking kid with a great personality.




Bethanie Rayne, of course, is not stranger on this blog. She suffers a lot as well through all this. For the last few years every time Becky and BJ leave she spends a week or so wandering around the house looking for them. It is sad really. Thankfully, this year is different. This year some big changes are coming down and she will not be alone.

For now we have the summer. And I have my kids...all of them. I am proud of them. I am afraid for them. I want the best for them and I want them happy. As they get bigger, I understand my own parents more. I understand that their disappointments were not with me, but with the fact that they wanted me happy, wanted to protect me and I was too stubborn and pig headed to make the right decisions to make my life successful and happy. They will always be proud of me as a person, if not my decisions and my actions. I understand now, a little late in the game, that they were right all along on so many things. And most of all, as I watch my kids grow up from a distance, I understand their helpless pain in watching things beyond their control affect the lives of those they love the most and would give their very lives for.



Our Gang

Mother's Day....somehow just doesn't seem enough...

Sunday is Mother's Day. On my way home tonight from work I got to thinking about it and I was just pondering the importance of mothers. I am gonna try to put my emotions into words and if it doesn't come out right...just go on to your next blog to read..I am sure they got it right. I want to acknowledge three mom's in my life and a child.

(1) My mom...

Where would I be without her? Well...not trying to state the obvious but I wouldn't be here! But that is besides the point. If there is any good in me...I give the credit to my mom. I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life...but to be honest...if I had listened to her I would have done things differently, but then, that is usually the case with all of us. My mom raised me to not only be a man...but a gentleman. She raised me with respect for authority, with respect for society and with respect for those around me. My mom raised me to think for myself, to have a backbone but also to have the courage to admit when I am wrong and to never be too big to apologize. She raised me to face the consequences of my choices, good or bad, with an uplifted head and straight shoulders (after all...you were man enough to do it be man enough to face the consequences!) Sure I have her temper and her stubbornness...but then...that is not entirely a bad thing. When I describe my mom to people I tell them...it is easy..Half Puerto Rican, half Italian...born and raised in Brooklyn...need I say more?

My mom had faith in me...even when I myself did not, when others in my family did not. When I made every decision in my life wrong...she had faith that I could still make the right one. Through the years she and I have had our differences, our heated arguments and disagreements but in the end, I always knew she was there for me. And for that I say...I love you mom...and it doesn't seem fair that all you get is the one day...after so many you give to all of us...Happy Mother's Day.

(2) Mandy...

Mandy is a fairly recent addition to my life...and the best thing I have ever had happen to me...and this is the first Mother's Day I have known her. In the last few months that I have gotten to know her though she has impressed me. I got to spend the weekend with her last month and watch her with her kids. Her kids are happy and well taken care of. The most common word on their lips is "mommy". I have watched her interact with her kids and watched her interact with my daughter. You can't fake it. Sure she has cranky days...all parents do! But I have gained a new respect for her after watching her with the kids. I know she wants to sleep in on Mother's Day...and I hope you get to, and I hope you have a Happy Mother's Day! (May I suggest the Benadryl? lol jk)

(3) Iris...

Mandy's mom is also a new addition in my life, and one I am thankful for. I was thinking about her and Mandy and Will tonight on my way home. I only got to spend a little bit of time with her on the weekend I was visiting but I can tell you alot about her...just from getting to know Mandy and Will. She is an intelligent woman that encourages a hunger for knowledge...she is an affectionate person with a sharp wit and you better be on your toes if you plan on keeping up!. I sat on the front porch with the three of them and watched them interact and I can see her in her kids...which is how it works right? I look forward to a lifetime of becoming a part of the family...and I want her to know I hold the deepest respect for her. It is funny. The other day I went on one of my crazy rants as I tend to do from time to time on my blog and Iris commented on it and started off with "Calm down Julio" and I just chuckled...I told Mandy afterwards I liked it...it kind of had a "Mom" touch to it. So Iris my hat off to you...you did a great job with those kids...and I hope you have a fantabulous Mother's Day.

(4) Bethanie...

I said I was going to recognize a child, and of course it would be my daughter, Bethanie. Mother's Day is a tough day every year. Last year I remember she came home from school crying. She was in pre K and they had all done a craft for "Mommy" and she had a gift for "Mommy" but no "Mommy" to give it to. I remember crying and holding her and telling her I loved her and just trying to distract her...I mean, seriously...what do you tell her?

Yesterday on Twitter somebody quoted Oprah Winfrey as saying "Biology is the least that makes a mother." And while I hate quoting her, I have to say this is a great quote. The woman that left three years ago, and left her three year old daughter is no mother. The woman that spent three years in and out disappearing for months at a time without so much as an email, and then when she did it was exactly that, just an email, all the while trying to blame everybody else except her own actions....is not a mother. This Sunday, she is staying home with me...she gave Granny a gift, but per Granny's request we kept the subject of mother out of it. But as Mandy and I discuss our future...which we are...I must admit that there was a relief in my heart as I watched them interact. And I get the warm and fuzzies every time we talk about Mandy and her face lights up...just another one of those things I thank Mandy for bringing into our life...

On the way home tonight I heard a song I had not hear in a while. A song by Martina McBride...In My Daughter's Eyes. I know it is written from a mother' view...so I am posting it here...followed by the lyrics...I hope you enjoy it. And happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's that read this...I hope you have a wonderful day...you deserve it and much more.

P.S. It is 1:30 AM and I am a little tired but I wanted to write it while my heart was feeling it...so if it is a bit jumbled...please forgive it.



In My Daughter's Eyes
Martina McBride

In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero I am strong and wise
And I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh, It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hanging on when your heart
Has had enough
It's giving more when you feel
Like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what will be
And though she'll grow
And someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

How do you explain it to a five year old?

Today's blog is personal. I know I usually talk politics, humor and a random variety of different subjects. I don't often talk about my personal life outside of the occasional mention. Today was not a good start to the week. I will admit, I am depressed, emotional, stressed...over all not in a good state of mind. A little background...

About seven to eight years ago my first marriage was in the pits, we were separated and getting divorced. I made a lot of decisions that were not exactly the best. At the top of that list was the decision to meet a girl coming to the States on a visit. The idea I had at the time was to meet her and fuck her. Part as a revenge fuck to get back at my wife and part because I had been raised that if you commit adultery you can't ever preach or pastor again and I was, in a way, tendering my resignation to God. I know, sounds stupid, but when you are angry and hurt you do a lot of stupid things.

The result of that week's romp under the sheets was the most amazing miracle to ever enter my life. My daughter Bethanie has been the catalyst in my life that made me grow up, and I would never trade her for absolutely anything in my life. I have often said she is the axis on which my world spins. Of all the mistakes I have made in my life, and so many times I have felt like I have just simply failed at life, she makes my life worthwhile.

It is no surprise that a relationship that started so wrong did not end right. A lot of things happened that should not have happened. There was infidelity, irresponsibility and a total lack of interest and true love on both our parts. I am not going to use my bully pulpit to point out her flaws...because I made more than my share of mistakes that helped tear down that marriage. I remember on the day we went to the Justice of the Peace to get married, I told her then, in very clear terms, I didn't love her. That never changed. I married her for the baby, looking back now it was not the wisest decision I ever made, but it is what it is.

About three years ago, she and I were living in separate rooms and barely talking to each other. We were both very unhappy. She decided she wanted to go back to Australia. She had several reasons, some I can't fault her for. She was having some medical problems that as it turns out seem to have been mostly stress related and our farce of a marriage could not have been helping things. She had left three children over there and was missing them as well. I try to write this without sounding judgmental, but I admit I am fairly close to the situation and angry...so bear with me.

So she decided she wanted to go back to Australia. I told her I would not help her and if she wanted to she would have to find a way to pay for it. I also told her that if she left, she left alone. I refused to sign anything for passport, visa or anything for international travel. If she left, she left alone and my daughter stayed her. You may disagree with that decision, and that is your prerogative. I had a choice to make and I made it. I chose to dedicate my life to my daughter and to take on the responsibility of raising her. It has not been easy, but it has been very rewarding.

Bethanie turned three in April and her mom left in June. Her trip was paid for by her family in Australia. I have often wondered what possibly COULD have been the right decision for her and I don't envy the choices she was forced to make. She had three children in Australia and one here. How do you possibly choose? That doesn't mean I go easy on her. She had a choice to make...and she made it. Choices carry consequences. My life is riddled with bad choices that had severe consequences. You learn, as an adult, to stand and face those consequences. Her subsequent behavior is where I began getting upset with her.

After she left, I got a telephone (VOIP)through Lingo with free calls to Australia. The idea was she would email me and I would call her. For the first month or two the calls came every week. I felt her emailing me would at least be some sort of point of responsibility. It is not my responsibility to force a relationship. If she wanted it, the LEAST she could do was email me. I was even paying for the phone, for crying out loud! As time passed the emails became less frequent, and as a result the phone calls did. I eventually canceled the phone since the only reason I had it was to talk to her and since she had stopped emailing me I didn't see the point of keeping it.

At this point it came down to one line emails every few months. Just a quick "How is Bethanie?" I attempted to share as much as I could till I got a scathing email about my pushing the whole "Daddy's girl" thing? What do you expect? Little girls typically are "Daddy's girls" and more so when Daddy is all they have. From that point on I began responding with just the basics, why elaborate? The emails were coming once every two to three months. At one point I went six months without hearing from her. I thought something had happened to her...I will plead the fifth on my personal emotional response to that thought.

The effect of this on Bethanie was devastating. When the phone calls began to become infrequent I would have problems with her crying in the middle of the night. I would have her waking up with nightmares. Calling out for her mom in the middle of the night. She refused to sleep in her own bed and pretty much claimed my (then) king size bed as her own and I was allowed a small slice of the edge...and she usually slept right up almost on top of me, craving that physical contact. If I had to go to work she would cry, refusing to let me go out of her sight. When I was home she had to be right by me. Obviously she was having some abandonment issues. And it seemed just as I was getting better, her mom would call, and it would start all over again. When she went to school, all the little kids had a mommy, and she wanted to know where hers was. We would be in Wal-Mart and she would just point at random women and call them mommy. As much as little girls are Daddy's girls, they need a mommy too. My mom began helping me with her and she has come to see Granny as her mommy figure.

I tried pointing this out to her mom and of course, as has always been the case with her, it was MY fault, not hers. Because, of course, it is MY responsibility to be sure she has a relationship with her own offspring. She once rebuked me for "talking bad" about her to Bethanie...but the fact is...I have NEVER talked bad about her to Bethanie. The truth is...I never talk to her about her mom at all. It was a subject we just stopped talking about about six to eight months after she left. This morning I took an old family picture and pointed at every individual and she named them: Daddy, BJ, Becky, Herself... But when I pointed at her mom she answered, I don't know. She really doesn't know. Which is sad.

Now keep in mind, in three years she has not taken any active interest in Bethanie. Has not sent one dime of support. Has not bought one gift. One time I mentioned to her that the State of Georgia was looking for information on her for child support and her response was (and I am copying and pasting her reply), "even if your american law says l have to pay australian law doesnt recognise it." (typos included)

So about two months ago she said she would like to start talking to Bethanie again. At this point it has been three years and Bethanie doesn't even know who she is. I understand I have no legal standing to keep her from talking to Bethanie, so I lad down some ground rules. She had to be consistent and she had to call during certain hours because of school and bedtime. And she would have to call on her dime. No more of me facilitating her abandonment. She responded that she would follow them and needed me to give her a number and address. I was in no hurry to respond and got another email this morning yelling at me for not replying, accusing me of lying to her to try to run her off and as usual blaming me for her failures. I was angry, hurt and very emotional...which is why I am writing this I guess.

Why did I take so long in responding to her? Simply put, how do I explain this to a five year old? How do I do so with out talking bad about a woman that hasn't give two shits for three years? How do I handle the confusion, the pain and the anger that could result? And what do I do if the nightmares, the crying in the middle of the night and the bad dreams start all over again? Am I over thinking this?

I am angry. I am emotional. I don't want to expose my daughter to more pain and confusion. I can't even begin to describe the emotional turmoil I am in today. My buddy John had to talk me down from my original response to her...it was NOT pretty. I know this is about Bethanie and not about me...but the Papa Bear in me is concerned about Bethanie...so yes my emotions are mine, but it is about My daughter, about this precious treasure that is not merely a part of my life...she IS my life.

So forgive me for a blog totally unrelated to anything important to the world around us...but for what it is worth...it is about the most important thing in my world...

And thanks for putting up with my rambling....And any helpful advice would be appreciated.

Creepy Friday: Is it me or is time flying?

So it hit me today...wow...April already? Are you fricken kidding me? The first quarter is up already! Damn time flies...or am I flying? They keep telling me the older I get the faster times flies...if that is the case then I totally get why my grandparents look totally disoriented every time I see them! So it is creepy Friday...take a look at what creeped me out this week...

(1) Session 9

So in my pursuit of Creep, this week my latest movie was Session 9. Now I have got to tell you, while I wasn't exactly running across the front yard in the dark full of terror, this actually ranked high in my book on the creep factor. It is a psychological movie and I won't spoil it for you but I really liked this one and will actually give it a high mark on my creep meter. If you are easily creeped out don't watch this one at night alone...and if you do....take pictures. I will say this much...how did this guy get away with this shit with all those guys from Law & Order in there...damn cops...never one around when you need one!

CREEP Meter: 8

(2) The Expendables

Have you seen this trailer? Now THIS is hilarious...one last hoorah for the classics! SO in ONE movie we have Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Steve "Stone Cold" Austin, Randy Couture and Terry Crews. As if THAT were not enough they also tried to get Jean-Claude van Damme,Steven Seagal and Wesley Snipes! So what we have is an unending supply of testosterone not to mention geritol and ben gay....at least we have the peace of mind that our movie legends are safe...Medicare should cover any accidents nicely!

CREEP Meter: 8

(3) "Can I rub your head?"

OK. So I work at a children's hospital. I see all kinds of kids come in and out...some rude, some polite, some well or ill behaved...face it...kids are as different as adults are. So this week I had this kid come in, mind you, I don't think he was all together there, but then neither was his mom. I could hear him in the waiting room and I cringed at this registration. So the kid comes in and he has one of those can cooler sleeves (you know the foam ones you put your can of beer in to keep it cool?) on his hand and says, Hey there! Look! I am missing a hand!...I thought...oh geez..this should be good. So as I am doing registration, this kid (10-12 age group so as not to betray any "HIPAA" info)decides he likes me and wants to hug up all over me. Now I gotta tell you; I am a very touchy feeling person with people I love. With strangers? I am big on my personal space. Don't touch me and keep your safe distance. So this kid decides he just LOVES me...is all huggy and shit. I keep looking at his mom like...hello????? No help there. And then this kid REALLY creeps me out...he says...Can I rub your head?....wtf???? Now keep in mind I shave my head so rubbing my head is actually possible...but still...????? Are you fricken serious? So he doesn't wait for an answer and starts rubbing my head....shudders...seriously...I was freaking out...and mom? Yeah...still no help there...I was thrilled to get them out of there for sure...rub da Buddah! INDEED!

CREEP Meter: 9 (seriously....I was creeped out...no touchy!)

(4) My 5 year old "mother"

Those of you that know me, know that I am a single dad of a beautiful little girl that is My life. She really is everything I live for. She is funny, sassy and quite the handful. Well it seems of late that she has decided that due to the lack of a "significant other" in my life it is HER job and designation in life to be MY mother and look out for Daddy. Not too long ago I was sick and My mom made the mistake of telling Bethanie that Daddy was sick and she had to take care of me. OMFG! Just a hint? NEVER do that to a five year old. My sweet little girl turned into this terrifying bossy little shit! She would come into the computer room and tell me, "Daddy you need to get off the computer and come in the room and rest so I can watch you." I shit you not! So Wednesday night I was hyped up on coffee and couldnt sleep. So I went to bed around 3:30am and I creep into the room quietly and notice she is awake, so I lean over her and ask, "Babygirl you ok?" To which she responds with a slightly rebuking sigh, "yes Daddy I am ok but you need to sleep." wtf?

CREEP Meter: 10 (decidedly a 10...she will be 6 years old this month and I shiver to think how much worse this can get!)

So what creeped you out this week...care to share?


Definition of the CREEP Meter:

There is no definition except 1-10...1 being...hell are you kidding me this shit is boring and 10 being...please excuse me while I change my underpants!

My Love / Hate Relationship with World of Warcraft

OK...so I have an addiction. I have never done drugs, but I kind of imagine it would be something like this. I only drink socially and have not smoked in years. I don't do bars or behave like a man whore. But I do have an addiction. This addiction is gaming. And not just any game, no...Ladies and Gentlemen I am an addict to a game known as World of Warcraft!

So maybe the word addiction is only slightly too strong. I do have a job, and yes I do live in my parents house but (A) It is NOT in the basement (since they dont have one) and (B) I am there for reasons totally unrelated to WoW (which is how I will be referring to World of Warcraft for the remainder of this post). I am a semi functioning adult male, with a few extra pounds. I am a single dad. I not only HAVE a job but I function at a reasonable level of intelligence and competence, and to my knowledge am performing according to expectations.

So maybe I am not like a crack ho...you know gasping around for the next hit and dropping to my hands and knees and pulling my thong aside just to get the money for another hit (and no I don't wear thongs!). I am more like a functional alchoholic. I can still do the things I need to do, but that next drink is always around the corner and never far from my mind!

So for the uneducated World of Warcraft is put out by an evil corporation with the intention of taking over the world. This evil corporation known as Blizzard, distributes a game in which players are in an alternate reality. In this alternate universe that they have created you go around the world of Azeroth (along with the Outlands and Northrend expansions) and you perform quests and level up then get gear and get to kill monsters and all kinds of other things.

Now some may see this as childish, but with a population over a 10 million world wide, it is nothing to scoff at. I know grown men and women that play this game. I know successful business people, I know nurses and even a 60 year old doctor that play this game, so it is not just something for kids, teens and dead beat losers! I have found a LOT of military and former military like to play since there is a lot of combat and strategy involved.

WoW is NOT a shoot 'em up game, and there is not a lot of blood and guts everywhere. There are no lewd, naked hookers out there trying to take you down the path of evil. The game is rated PG-13, not for game content as much as the fact that the chat in the game can be pretty foul and is pretty wide open so it is not advised for little children.

But as my title implies it is a mixed bag. So here goes my list of love and hate for World of Warcraft:

10 things I love about World of Warcraft

1. I love the lore

Blizzard has done a great job writing a very thorough and imaginative background story to their game. It is a fascinating story, and I am always a sucker for a good story. So I will have to say that the lore is a huge part of my enjoyment of the game. There is a movie coming out in 2011 that I cannot wait to see.

2. I love trade chat (and Barrens Chat!)

12 year olds on crack best defines trade chat. The ignorance spouted is absolutely amazing. Trade chat used to not be so bad. You basically had to go to the Barrens to get the really stupid chat. Of course barrens chat always got cured by a good dose of Chuck Norris! Hey! Who DOESN'T like a good Chuck Norris joke??? But then you go to trade chat and somehow it always comes down to drugs and anal sex! (now you know why the game is PG-13!) Some idiot talks about how he is gonna smoke pot, and then about fifteen people respond on what an idiot he is. He is not going to smoke pot! He barely got his mommy to give him the 15.00 for his monthly WoW fee!

3. I love a good guild

A guild is like...your peeps. A gang of sorts. I remember when I was on Frostmane (one of the US Realms in the game) and was a member of Symbol of Agression. There was this Alliance guild that had us on KOS (Kill on Sight) and we had them on KOS. And at least twice a week all war would break out in the Sons of Hodir daily questing area....was a blast! 30-40 level 80s just out beating up on each other...those were the days.

4. I love the goal oriented format (I dig those dailies!)

I like the goal oriented format of the game. Leveling, questing, leveling professions, earning gold through the dailies. It is all goal oriented which is something I love.

5. I love the Blood Elf (female) butt!

Ok...so I started playing the game with a Blood Elf Hunter. A male. I was all like...I am NOT playing a girl! Are you crazy??? Yeah, I know. Till my buddy Ben pointed out I was spending hours looking at a guy's ass. He had a point. So I began playing females...much more atttractive to look at as they are going along all sexy like. (Yes, I know it is a cartoon...leave me alone dammit!!! lol)

6. I love Kara! (umm...that would be Kharazhan)

Of all the raids I did in the game I loved Kara the most. That place was fun. It was the type of place that even now, some of the bosses require coordination no matter how many level 80's you have. That place wasa blast.

7. I love killing this little Night Elf out in Ashenvale!

There is this level 11ish NPC (some guy in the actual game not played by somebody else) He sits beside a fire just outside of a horde base in northern Ashenvale. He is so melodramatic when he dies. I am rarely out in that area...but no matter what..if I am out there..that dude is dead! Oh and the outriders in The Barrens too...them fuckers killed me too many times...I let them have it every time I am around them...oddly enough, I never get that urge to take on the Fel Reaver alone though...somehow I manage to avoid that bastard.

8. I love the Double Language!

The game is just full of double language. If you do the Sons of Hodir Dalies you will do quests named, "Blowing Hodir's Horn". "Thrusting Hodir's Spear" and "Polishing Hodir's Helm"....what can I say...this Hodir Dude gets lucky quite often! There is the achievement where you have to fall 75 feet without dying...oddly enough it is named.."Going Down!" LOL Too much.

9. I love the Shit Quests (no shit! rofl)

Somebody in Blizzard has a twisted sense of humor (not to mention some really sick fetishes!) In every expansion at some point you will do a quest where you have to take a dog for a walk feed it..wait till it shits..then dig through its shit for some quest item...I shit you not! Serious...some of these programmers need therapy!

10. I love Thrall!

Thrall is the bomb. I Hate the mighty Chieftain is getting neutered in the next expansion and is going to become the Ambassador of the horde. Is ok...for now I will just say that in WoW....ol' Thrall is da BOMB! I love watching Alliance come in and try to kill him. Son of a bitch is bad ass! Then there is the day I got to go to Undercity and help ol' Thrall out...him and the Banshee Queen (Sylvanas) backed me up as I took over Undercity. Yeah, he doesnt do too bad for a Shaman...then we had a couple of beers afterwards...


10 Things I hate about World of Warcraft

1. I hate Elitist Jerks (and not the website..I dont understand them enough to hate them!)

I hate people that forget that at one point they didn't know how to play the damn game either. I hate the people that find it necessary to insult and degrade people because they don't know how to play the game as good them. I can't stand to even play with people that have to belittle people for the epeen (that is electronic penis for those that are unfamiliar with the WoW jargon.) And most of all, I cant stand the people that feel the need to judge a person's worth and a person's character by how they play a stupid game!

2. I hate PvP

I cannot stand pvp. Frankly because I suck at it. I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but I have the good sense to know when I can fight and win and when it is best to stay out of a fight. And trust me, I suck at pvp. So nothing sucks more than to just repeatedly get your ass handed to you by some 12 year old who wants to add insult to injury and camp your ass (in other words sit there and repeatedly kill you for their amusement, is very annoying!) I was glad to finally get off of a PvP server and get to a PvE server. (By the way, for the none WoW people...PvP means Player versus Player and PvE means player versus Environment.)

3. I hate those bugs in Stratholme!

In Stratholme there are these bugs that silence you. So when I go in on my mage I am doomed if I make the wrong step and get about three of them on me. They will chain silence you while everything else kills you. It is embarassing for a level 80 to get killed in Strat..but it has happened to me more times than I care to admit.

4. I hate Rogues!!!

I have already mentioned how much I hate PvP...and my MAIN reason for hating PvP is rogues! I call them the only class that plays with their food! It is irritating as hell! A Paladin kills you it is over before you know what hit you. An arcane mage hits you? Two shots you are dead...thank you...see you in the after life...but no....not arogue....nooooo...these sadistic bastards have to take for fucking ever to kill you. Sap, backstab, blind, mutilate and who the hell knows what else!!! Rinse and repeat...and repeat...and repeat....and repeat...it takes for ever!!!! Finally you are dead...you come back, they are stealthed..you rez...they start it all over again...bastards.

5. Did I mention I hate Rogues?!? (yes I DO still know how to count)

yeah...just for emphasis...

5. I hate the Fel Reaver!

Ok..so how many of my friends that actually play wow and will read this will remember that magical moment when you hit 58-60 and went through the Dark Portal? Did you do it by yourself at 3am (after a long night of grinding to get to that magic number so you could go to the Outlands)? Did you go with friends? Stand in a circle and sing kumbaya? You go through, take that first flight to Thrallmar (Go Horde!) you pick up your first quests, you go start the grind to 70, are busy killing those little red orc guys (or the hellboars you have to feed and dig through their shit for some sort of quest item?) And the ground starts shaking and the next thing you know you are dead? You go WTF???? and look around and this big ass machine is stomping off? How the FUCK does that big ass bastard sneak up on you?? It never failed, I would turn around and BAM! There he is...not like oh let me run cause there he comes...NOOOOO...it is like your head is coming out of your ass because the fucker is already pummeling you!! (you laugh but those that have played the game know I am telling the truth! lol)

6. I hate I never got Legacy!

Yes, Cesar, I AM still bitching and moaning about Legacy. Best in slot weapon for a hunter pre Wrath of the Lich King. It was this badass two handed axe that looked so fucking cool. It only dropped in the Theatre Event in Kara...and only from a specific play, the Romeo and Juliet one I think. And like the star crossed lovers Me and Legacy never could quite connect. It didn't help that it seemed like Legacy always taunted me by dropping when I couldn't raid and I would hear the horrible stories of the damn thing getting disenchanted (which means reduced to powder and shards for those that don't play WoW.)One of these days I am going to run Kara just to get it and put it in the bank so I can say I got it!

7. I hate the rep grind for some factions.

Reputation grinds are part of the game. It is how you get achievements, gear, pets and mounts. Some of the grinds are ok while some of the grinds are a nightmare. I remember leveling Mag'har rep for the mounts. And having to kill ogres, hundreds and hundreds of ogres to get their beads and turn them in for rep. (Yes, I was doing nasty things with ogres and their beads...if you must know!) And then there is Timbermaw...vengeful little buggers, it is hard as hell to get rep with them but you can lose it very fast!

8. I hate that Paris Hilton has invaded WoW!

How the hell this Bimbo has shown up in WoW is beyond me. But WoW has this habit of stealing celebrities names! Mr T, Paris Hilton (she is Haris Pilton in Shattrath City) and many more. There is even a Harrison Jones you have to escort out of danger...a pit full of snakes resulting in an achievement entitled, "Snakes, Why did it have to be Snakes?", sound familiar?

9. I hate The Occulus! (and tanks that don't know how to run Old Kingdom!)

If you have played the game you know what I mean. These two instances are a nightmare. Occulus is a pain in the as place full of dragons where you have to ride a dragon at the end to kill the final boss. While on the surface it sounds cool, if you dont get a decent group of players it always results in a debacle. And don't even get me started on Old Kingdom. After you kill Prince K, you go down this passage way and there are some steps there that only about 5% of the tanks I have run with even know how to run it, usually resulting in multiple deaths and a high repair bill.

10. I hate the nerd rage

It is actually kinda comical watching the nerd rage. Screw up on an instance, "Dude you are such a noob! When did you buy your pally? What a huntard!" The list goes on and on. It is really funny to watch in trade chat as the revenge of the nerds takes place in full color. Then I would be remise if I did not mention my geeky friend Mandie and how she geeks out on Blizzard news! But she is actually cute, rather than irritating...well most of the times at least :-P!!!

So many things about the game to hate or love. But it is my habit and my hobby. I am a grown man. I don't go bar hopping, I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke. This is my escape time. I worship the ground my daughter walks on, and most of the time I am right on top of things with her...of course when I fail to she comes in hugs up to me and says softly, "Daddy, can you get off your game and play with me?" That is when I know I have pushed my luck and it is time to dial it back some! Then of course, there was this one time I was trying to show her how to play this little hand held game she had recieved a s a gift, she promptly took it away from me and said, "Daddy you play YOUR game, this MY game!"

Hey...it is electronic crack! lol And I am a proud member of WoW Anonymous!

For the Horde!!!

Mr. Mom...takes on Dora the Smart Mouth Explorer

So I was trying to figure out what to write. Had a couple of days where I have been a little down and a little stressed over some problems. Trying to find solutions that still seem to be out of reach. I had determined at the beginning of the year that I was going to take my blog less serious and was not going to write depressed! lol

I also decided to quite whining about my problems on my blog since really....nobody really wants to know about them and it just makes for depressing reading...and I am off my medication...well kinda...I still eat lots of candy and drink a ton of gatorade lol. And coffee...lots of coffee.

So I was wanting to write something on my blog. And Mandy My twitter friend and blog pal tried to be my muse by telling me about some new recruit for the Gamecocks football...but seriously...why would I want to write about a losing college when the UGA rocks so hawt! Go Dawgs.

So I decided to fall back on what truly is my muse. Bethanie. You know it is really kinda crazy in a way. Her mom and I were never meant to be together. Two people of opposite personalitis, intellect, interests and ideology could not be found. It is amazing we lasted as long as we did. I really don't like the woman. But no need to go there, this is not about her...it is about My babygirl.

Her vocabulary is growing so fast. And she is such a smart ass lil brat! She has this HUGE Dora the Explorer plush toy. And she has started telling me things she SHOULDN'T say..but it isn't HER saying it...it is DORA saying it.

"Daddy Dora says you should get me a glass of water."

"Really now? Well maybe Dora should go get your glass of water."

~more whispering between Bethanie and Dora resulting in Bethanie looking at me with that serious face only a five year old can do~

"Daddy Dora thinks you are mean and that it is imposssssible-ble for her to get a glass of water and you should get off your butt and get it for me."

I look at my daring darling daughter...

"Tell Dora I am gonna beat your butt if she keeps talking to me that way"

"Dora says Al rescate!"

BEGEEZUSFINGKRISTOS!!!!!

Where does time go? How time does fly. She has gotten so big. And gone through so much. It is bad enough the poor thing is stuck with a cranky ol' bachelor dad. But she does it with so much grace and such a great attitude!

I had to sit down with her this morning and explain to her that she is Daddy's girl and Daddy's princess...but to stop going around telling everybody she is a princess because she is beginning to get a little obnoxious about it! Yes...you must bow down and worship the princess! ROFL.

So the exciting thing is that four months ago we were having problems with her and her developing her vocabulary. Now today she was trying the word "impossible" out for size which elevated her from princess to...Drama Queen! Long live the Queen! lol it was cute to listen to her tell me how IMPOSSIBLE it was to fix her bed!

I look at this little princess...and I think so often...she deserves so much more. I don't know if she needs me more or I need her more! She is truly the axis on which my world spins. In a world where for me there is no god...she is a goddess...she is my center and my balance.




Here is My Angel Bethanie and her offendsive smart mouth partner in crime Dora the Explorer!

Princess and the Frog...and not talking about the movie...well not only...

So I had a hot date tonight. I asked my five year old daughter Bethanie if she would be so kind as to join me on a date, to which she kindly (and excitedly) agreed. So about 2pm I got her in the tub and then got her dressed. Her granny did her hair in lovely braided pig tails and she began the process of harassing me into getting ready! Woman to the core, she nagged and harrassed my lazy ass repeatedly. "Daddy...are we going?","Daddy, you going to get a bath?" "Daddy..." What is it with women? They don't even have to finish that sentence? All they have to do is start it...in THAT tone of voice...it works at any age in any Relationship...insert whichever you like...Daddy, Honey, Sweetheart, Julio, Son...it works with any of them. The voice inflection finishes it for them...and us guys TOTALLY get it! It says..Daddy, Honey, Sweetheart, Julio, Son....YOU are a dumbshit and a lazy ass procrastinator...now get off of that thing and get to cracking! See? We get it!

So after I haul my ass out of the shower and get dressed we are finally ready to go...way to early as it turns out but that will come into play later. So we gathered in the living room and got granny to shoot a pic for us...



So we then bundled up and piled into the car and head off to town. We got to Ryan's and went in to eat and spent a little time talking about school and how she is learning to read. As always, there is a great selection of food on the bar, but My little angel has to have pizza and hotdogs, because there is no other food group on the planet...ONLY pizza with a side of hotdogs. Afterwards I am sealing my doom by giving her ice cream...which obviously makes her happy...



So after dinner it is about 5:45 and the movie starts at 7:15..and I forsee a problem gathering. No problem we can walk the mall while we wait for start time. Well guess what? They moved the theatre out of the mall into its own building! (goes to show how long it has been since I went to the movies). So we go into the theatre, and buy two tickets for the Princess and the Frog. And now we have an HOUR till show time...this was NOT thought out well! So now I have an hour in a pretty empty theatre with a five year old hopped up on suger! OOOOOHHHH BOY! So we visit some with the locals!

Here she decided to laugh it up with the Mad Hatter and settle in for a cup of tea! We took several versions of this till we were happy...All though Johnny Depp was a bit snooty to us, but you know...he has terrible taste in women...I mean he was ok with that little Queen of Hearts (or was it diamonds?) sitting at his table without fussing...

So she got bored with that pretty quick and she was running accross the theatre yelling "Come on Daddy, Hurry up!" as she gets to the standard arcade games in every movie theatre, she starts yelling what I am sure I am going to be hearing for a long time, "Daddy, money, give me money...pleeeeeaaaasssseeeee." So I give her a dollar to put in the prize arcade game you are never supposed to win because those claws are rigged to drop everything it grabs. Finally she runs over to the racing game and all of a sudden my little girl is a NASCAR driver...



So it is finally 7pm and we buy our popcorn and drinks and hotton candy (no that was not an accidental misspell...it is what she dubbed it!)And we go into the theatre and get a seat up front (why is it kids always want the seats up front? the crick in my neck will NEVER go away! I will forever be forced to look into the sunlight!) And we wait for the movie to start...which My five year old believes she can rush by yelling at the light at the top of the wall behind us! The movie comes on and it is a beautiful movie, the best Disney has done in a very long time...I havent even started the movie and My beautiful five year old is cuddled up to me ready for the show and I am there crying in the dark....this is what it is all about.

The movie goes on and the story is great, it is about wishing for your dreams..and then working for them. And I think to myself, this is the message I want to get to my kids. You can do anything you dare and you can be anything you are willing to work for. Halfway through the movie she says, "Daddy may I sit in your lap?" I pull her into my lap and we watch this movie together and by this point my heart is overflowing and I have forgotten about the movie and am just wrapped up in a special moment of Daddy and daughter time. She laughs, and laughs from her gut! She gasps when the bad guy turns the princess back into a frog and claps when they turn into human after the Prince kisses his new (frog) Princess Bride. My little girl is in a fantasy world of her own...and I am lost in it with her...beating the shit out of the frog that tries to kiss her...of course she wins..and gets to kiss the frog...



We pile back into the car..it is cold and we head home...on the way home she tells me, "Daddy I love you"....and the world just can't get any better...We get home and she brags to Granny and Papaw what a great time she had and then gets ready for bed. I tuck her in with a good night hug and kiss...I let her fall asleep and then sneak back in the room for one last shot of my babygirl...

And now as I sit back at my desk tonight and write these thoughts down...I find myself looking out the window at Evangeline...and I find myself wishing...wishing that this beautiful light in my life will turn out right, despite the fact that the poor thing is stuck with a crusty old bachelor Dad...that despite the many shortcomings I have, that I can give her what she needs and raise her to be that hard working princess...that over achiever...and that when she looks back, she will remember these moments for the rest of her life.

I look at that star...and also wish that Evangeline will also help my older two understand..that I miss these moments with them...that I wish they were here for me to take my son to go watch some guy flick...my daughter to go watch some irritatingly teeny bopper sappy chick flick...and that I could tuck them in at night and watch them sleep....all of these thoughts go through my mind as I sit here tonight and all I can say is...

Please Evangeline!

To spank or not to spank....That is the Question

I am part of a group in yahoo comprised of single parents and the question of spanking came up and there was a bit of a heated discussion to be had by all involved. The following was my input...and I felt it appropriate to put here on my blog...

I have always found this argument to be (a) amusing (b) too damn late...why didn't people argue this crap when I was growing up and it could have done me some good! I am like Christian Comedian Mark Lowery...People say that spanking will squelch your child's personality? Well momma squelched my personality all over the damn house!!!

Seriously though. I do use spanking. I will admit I am a bit of a softy with my kids and they get away with murder with me. My older two I only have during the summer...and I don't want their memories of the summers to be of spankings and other "negatives". My youngest, well...ok I admit it...I am my youngest child's sucker...and if you tell her I said that I will deny it all!!! I do, however, believe that spanking is an appropriate form of discipline. There are a couple of points to be made...(sooner or later you guys will tell me to shut up with my long ass posts! lol)

(1) I find it amusing when I hear good christian people talk about the evils of spanking when I had plenty of scripture displayed in color on my ass growing up! "Spare the rod, spoil the child" that one in particular spent a lot of time emblazoned in neon colors of black, blue and red....purple...lol...shall I continue? I believe the Bible has many good words of wisdom to take from it, and I believe that this is some pretty appropriate advice.

(2) Before Dr. Spock and his kind came around to tell us about the wonders of "time out" spanking was the expected course of action and society seemed to be a much better place to live in. Children knew how to treat their parents, and knew how to respect society and its rules. Somewhere along the way we managed to find "better" a way of raising our children...but society has taken a steep decline in the process.

(3) Children must learn consequences. It is why spanking worked. Let's face it, punishment and pulling priviledges only work so much. The children know eventually they will get their cell, tv, xbox, etc. back. It is a waiting game. And time out? I laugh when I think what would have happened if my parents had used time out on me and my brother....that would have been time for me to sit down...think about what I had done...and figure out how to get away with it next time! I am not saying these things do not work at all, I use them with my daughter as much as possible. But sometimes it is necessary to get their immediate attention. And few things have that immediate impact as effective as spanking.

Too often children's first true encounter with consequences is when they are 18 and slammed face first on the hood of a police car with a criminal record that will last them a lifetime. The true lesson of life, and the most important, is that life has consequences...good and bad. For every action there is a reaction of equal or greater consequence. Too often children fail to learn this lesson till it is too late, and it is not the student's fault that they fail to learn it...it is us the teachers that are to blame.

Now, don't mistake what I am saying to mean that a spanking is always appropriate. Too much spanking will make spanking meaningless. Excess of anything removes its value, to both you and your child. There are certain rules I follow when it comes to spanking:

(1) Self discipline. You cannot discipline another if you cannot discipline yourself. I refuse to spank when I am angry. It is my personal rule. Furthermore, to ensure I do not overdo it I give the same amount of swats every time. Structure is the key to discipline...particularly self discipline.

(2) Love follows discipline. I don't hug up immediately...that defeats the purpose. But I will make sure I sit down afterwards and talk about why she got spanked, hug her and tell her I love her.

(3) Do not let your personal experience with spanking cloud or influence your practice. Too many times the people I hear that disapprove of spanking refer to their own childhood. Just because something was not done right, does not mean that it is wrong. If you let the negativity inflluence you then you will (a) under discipline making your discipline a joke rather than an effective means of discipline. (b) over discipline making your discipline become either abuse or routine.

Effective discipline of any kind requires imagination. Let's face it...children have to use their imagination to get into some of the messes they get into (I sure as hell did!) and trying to get out of them. Raising a child effectively also takes some imagination. Discipline is no different. Sometimes we have to use our imagination to find ways to get through to them. Don't rely just on time outs, groundings or even spankings when disciplining your child. Use variety...it is the spice of life.

This may have come out all wrong, and I am sure some disagree with me on this. It is ok....I respect that.

I miss you a little....

There is a demon of sorts in each of us. It is something we dont know how to deal with and for lack of a better plan we just lock it in a closet in the back of our heart. Every now and then that demon gets out...and we have to fight it...and because we don't know how to exorcise that demon all we can do is battle it back into that closet and lock it up till next time. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing, it is what it is though.

For me that demon is a loss that occurred nine year ago. A loss I rarely discuss...once again...it's that demon, better left in the closet. That loss was my daughter, Jacqueline Faith. She was a beautiful little thing with a wild head of hair. Long fingers...I always thought she would have been a piano player. She was taken too soon. She was two months old and died of viral pneumonia.

I have often tried to determine if it was the fact that I wasn't here when she died, or the fact that she died that has hit me the most. I know death happens...there is no stopping it or explaining it. You just deal with it. But to not have been there when she died, not been able to say goodbye, I feel like I failed her...like by not being there I let her down.

It was this loss, coupled by the fact that I was in NC trying to start a church instead of by her side where I belonged...it started a bitterness against faith and religion. It gave me the excuse to start questioning things. Once I started questioning things, my logical nature took over and I came to the realization that emotional response to a tragedy is not a reason to question ideals. I carefully examined what I had always believed, not from bitterness but from a logical standpoint. But all that is another story for another time.

So anyway...what brings all this up? What brought the demon out of the closet? I had been training for this new job for three weeks. I did two weeks in the adult ER at the hospital then a week of clasroom training. This week I was sent to the area I would be working at, the children's clinic and the children's ER. And it was monday night, stnding in the ER that the dots connected....Jackie died here. I don't know why I hadnt made the connection. I had been training to work there for three weeks but didnt make the connection till I was standing there. It hit me like a mack truck and I have been struggling with it now for a couple of days.

So this morning I thought on a song that always made me think of her...it is on this blog today...and I sit here like an idiot, crying like an idiot...the demon for now running rampant...

Jackie...baby doll...daddy is sorry he wasn't there...but I want you to know I love you and I miss you...a little too much, a little too often, a little more every day....

The meaning of life..for Me....

What is life all about anyway? Yeah I know ... a deep question for a small mind. But seriously...philosphers have asked for centuries what is the meaning of life. And in truth I think the answer is subjective. I do not believe in an all powerful being that gives life and takes it away in some silly arbitrary decision. I do not believe in destiny and fate...I believe life is..and shit happens.

So if the meaning of life is subjective...then each of us find that one thing that is the center of our being...is the magical "thing" that gives life...OUR life meaning. It may be an ideal, a faith, a person, a possession...something that just gives meaning to life for us.

For me...it would have to be My daughter. I have often said that she is the axis on which My world spins. Five years old and full of piss and vinegar, she is a handful...but she is what I wake up for every day. She is the guiding light in my life. Yes I love all my children equally...I do not love one more than the other...but the other two I only get during the summer...and while I love them...I dont have the relationship with them that I wish I had.

My babygirl is different. She has been with me day in and day out. When her mom left it was and has been me and her. I learned to be a parent with her. And I guess that is part of what scares me about the situation that happened in Kansas...I put her in danger, in harm's way. Not necessarily physical harm...as much as emotional.

She hungers for a mommy..so very much. She wants that magical relationship of a mother/daughter...and I put her in a situation where she thought she might have it, but didnt. Thankfully it doesnt seem to have affected her much, for which I am very grateful...but it could have...and it woke me to the reality of how my decisions affect her. Is scary really...part of growing up I guess...

She is such a silly girl...sharp as a tack too! Today she got all smart with granny and boy did she pay for it! lol I remember those days! She played in the tub forever tonight! didnt want to get out and just singing at the top of her lungs...what she was singing I have no clue since apparantly she was making it up as she went. Then she went to bed...and I went in and checked on her and she is so beautiful....so innocent...

"I wish I could save these moments and put them in a jar...I wish I could stop the world from turning keep things just the way they are. I wish I could shelter you from everything no good and sweet and pure...I know I cant...I know I cant...but I wish I could." -Song by Colling Raye-

That is what life, for Me, is all about.