Creepy Friday: Jason...just isn't Jason anymore

So it has been a couple of weeks since I have done a Creepy Friday post. I know...it is Saturday and as usual I am a day late and a dollar short...HOWEVER...I did want to do one this week because seriously...how could I POSSIBLY watch Friday the 13th and NOT do a Creepy Friday post. I mean seriously!

So this last week I watched Friday the 13th, not the old classic one but rather the new one that was released to theatres in 2009. I must admit...I was underwhelmed...big time.

So there are couple of rules that are unique for a Jason movie. These rules can be grouped into two groups.

First, there are rules for anybody playing Jason.

(1) You must be able to silently stomp and walk steady and purposefully. Let's face it: Jason is never in a hurry. He is like a bulldozer. He may not be fast but he is unstoppable. In the new movie, Jason...*gasp*...RUNS...hell at one point he LEAPS....I was like W-H-A-T T-H-E H-E-L-L!

(2) You must be able to swing a machete. Jason does not use other weapons unless he is unwillingly separated from his machete for some reason. Jason has been known to throw his machete like a projectile but only in rare instances and short distances and he IMMEDIATELY retrieves. In this movie he uses other weapons, having his machete at hand. In one seen he kills somebody with with a nail or stake or something on the wall...a Mike Meyers move NOT a Jason move. In another seen he throws a hatchet, having his machete in his hand...simply put...a total no no for Jason.

(3) You must have an intelligence level that makes an amoeba look brilliant. I mean really...Freddy is inventive and witty. Freddy comes up with sadistic witty ways to butcher people. Jason does not improvise, Jason does not plan and Jason does not....ABSOLUTELY NOT...have recognition, intelligence or adaptation. He keeps coming at you even though you are mowing him down. In this movie He recognizes his mother's locket. He adapts. This is not Jason.

(4) Jason does not take prisoners. Jason, simply put, is a kill on sight person. He has no use for prisoners and no reason to keep them and no place to put them. He is too stupid to understand how a lock and chain works. In this movie he takes this girl and holds her prisoner. WTF?

Simply put...this is not the Jason that we know and love.

The second set of rules are for everybody else in the movie that is NOT playing Jason:

(1) Screw well...

It is a well known fact that any Jason movie has sex...and lots of it. I mean the whole story is that while the kids were killing Jason Vorhees the counselors were too busy having sex too be watching the children so Jason's mom killed them all in revenge. Jason has a distinct distaste for the act of copulation...which really explains his bad mood because the dude really needs to get laid. So if you are in a Jason movie you have to be able to screw...

(2) Scream well...

You have to be able to belt it out loud and scary. The people in the new movie really fell short on this one. There just wasn't any good screaming done. I think it is an art that was lost with the old school horror movies.

(3) Die well...

Rest in pieces. That is about the sum of it. Screw, scream and die...

In short the movie was a total disappointment. But hey that was just my take on it.

CREEP meter: 2 of 10

Creepy Friday: Imaginary Friend with Benefits

Ok so it is friday which means Creepy Friday My fellow madmen and women. I did not have much that creeped me out this week, I was pretty busy and the time I usually have to think about and write my blog just wasn't there. As a result I only blogged a couple of days this week. I hope to rectify that this upcoming week but it is what it is. I did see one movie that made it on my creep list and it wasn't really creepy but was definitely a hoot.

Mandy and I have been watching some movies through netflix...is really kinda cool cause even though we are several hours distance we can still do movie night. One of the difficult things in a long distance relationship is finding ways, interesting ways, to spend time. Now as she and I have both said in blogs we always have a great time in conversations and discussions, but we want more than that... So I have a netflix account and alot of the movies can be watched online so we sign in pick a movie and can still talk in yahoo...not as good as being together but it works. So this week we watched a couple of movies one of which was ....

(1) The Entity

Now this movie, given the fact that it was produced back in the 80's and while the acting was great the special effects were somewhat cheesy and did not really come across as believable so it wasn't really creepy...but was funny in many ways. So just to give you a brief idea, if you have never seen it, in the movie the woman is being raped by an invisible entity that makes nightly visits and apparantly redefines the whole "minute man" concept....it was more like 30 second man. He shows up, makes a mess of her room, uses her at his whim and then moves on. Couple of interesting points about this movie....

(a) Apparantly this entity only likes Carla, rejecting even her redhead friend (whom I thought was hotter anyway...besides..you know what they say about redheads!). I hypothesized to Mandy that it was probably because Carla was the only one on the block that shaved her hoochie coochie, which would have been a rare find in the early 80s, but the movie promptly corrected me...in full color if you get my drift.

(b) Over all the movie was...interesting...as she continues getting "visitiations" from this entity through out the movie, and if you like it rough...well...this entity apparantly does too. So the whole throwing up against the wall and pumping her hard...well...yeah had a little rough tinge to it...

(c) The funniest part to me is that at the end of the movie they tell you in that funny little writing that comes up after a movie is done that the entity continued giving her his special little visits...with years the frequency was less and less...happens to the best of us huh? lol

(D) Who needs a vibe when you have your own imaginary friend to help you out on those lonely nights..all though..as you find in the movie it IS difficult to maintain a significant relationship when your jealous imaginary friend beats the shit out of your boyfriend...of course...it could make a threesome somewhat..interesting...

CREEP Meter: 3

So it is a short Creepy Friday...why don't you share something that creeped you out this week...

Creepy Friday: Some kids will scare the SHIT out of you!

So welcome to this week's edition of Creepy Friday. This week's theme seems to be kids. It appears that NOTHING could be quite as creepy as kids at times. And let's face it, we are creeped out when kids do things because, well, they are kids! They are supposed to be cute and cuddly and all sweet and innocent, so when one does something...well...fucked up..we are all like...whoah dude that is fucked up! Yeah I know, kinda repetitive but you get the point! So without further ado...here are some kids that creeped me out this week...

1. The Haunting in Connecticut

Now in my search for creep I have continued watching movies purported to have some creep in them since I am still looking for that elusive feeling of "creep". This week I had two entries and I must admit they were pretty impressive. Ironically...they both centered around a kid! The first one was The Haunting in Connecticut a thriller/horror movie that was set in this little town in Connecticut (Thank you Professor Obvious!) and this little house that was haunted (yeah I know...I am excelling at the obvious today). But beyond the title you have a boy who is dying of cancer and his family moves in to this house to be closer to the hospital. The rent is cheap and the house is big and when asked what was the catch the landlord from hell gives the ubiquitious reply...well..the house has a history. Ok...word of advice...any house the landlord starts describing as "has a history" do not move in...history is NOT a good thing! So they move in and the kid starts seeing shit and is being all hush hush about it because the therapy he is having might cause hallucinations which would mean he wouldn't get it..so he wants the treatment and stays all hush hush till he is possessed by some wierd little kid named Jonas and apparantly some really really bad things happened in the house a long time ago and Jonas wants to set things right and decides to use the dying boy to get shit done. So after a lot (and I do mean a lot) of bodies are discovered little Jonas is at peace all though..is it me or does Jonas look like a young Tom Ridley? (from Harry Potter for you religious freaks that stay away from the magical world of the young wizard) Plus the sick kid gets cured of cancer when Jonas leaves him which is kind of cool, and only fair after the whole possession thing and well...is there any way St. Jude's can bottle THAT cure up? Sure it is a bit rough...but heck...if it works.... Also...I watched this movie at home alone, in the dark about 2am..and I swear I was hearing shit in the house afterwards..just saying...

CREEP Meter: 8

2. Orphan

If you have never seen this movie, you really have GOT to see it. There is something that is beautiful about a child's innocence that captivates us and truly anchors the world for us. So few things will knock us off our comfort zone than a child that goes beyond all the accepted and normal behavior of a child and does some really screwed up things. I won't ruin this one for you...lets just say you start off trying to figure out if this kid is just the perfect kid and you hate her on that whole "jock hates nerd" level...or if you want to run like hell. By halfway through the movie you are convinced on the running part...it is just a matter of how far and how fast...

CREEP Meter: 15 (yes...on a 1-10 this was a 15 in my book!)

3. Creepy little white girl

So my girlfriend put me on to this one and it is actually quite hilarious. George Lopez on his show always had (has? is his show still on tv? I never watch tv anymore so I have no clue.) this "creepy little white girl" that was the bearer of bad news.


So me and my girlfriend were talking about this and she mentioned on how he could get away with saying "creepy little white girl". If he had said "creepy little black girl" he may have had some problems. But like I told her..did you ever see Children of the Corn? or Village of the Damned? There are no creepy little black kids or hispanic kids or chinese kids...so there you go! Is not racism...blame Hollywood!



CREEP Meter: 1 (ok so not creepy but funny as shit and appropriate to this week's theme of creepy kids! And look at that picture...see? Creepy little white kids!)

4. Where are you Dad? (the Tiger Woods Ad)

So I am about as tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and his every move and how bad he screwed up as the next guy...blah blah blah. But seriously? His dead dad chewing him out? WoW! Ok...so there is a little creep there. And yes..I know Tiger is not a kid..but he kinda looks like well...a creepy little black kid here..don't you think? And I can so totally imagine hearing my dead dad chewing me out for screwing around. (Thankfully my dad is not dead but if he was he would still find a way to chew me out, and even alive he would find a way to chew me out like a voice from heaven kinda wierd shit...cause he can be kinda freaky like that.)



CREEP Meter: 5

5. Daddy..kiss my (doll's) ass!

So Monday I am sitting down in my lazy boy and my 5 (soon to be 6) year old comes up to me and starts all kissy kissy with me. We are pecking back and forth playfully when she tells me, "Daddy, close your eyes". So trusting my adorable, innocent little baby girl I do. While my eyes are closed she pulls down the pants on her doll, bends it over and puts its ass right in my face and says, "Kiss me Daddy!" No joke...see? Kids ARE creepy!



I know you can't see it..but seriously...she can be a creepy little kid! I swear it! Dont let the little innocent smile decieve you!

CREEP Meter: 5ish

Definition of the CREEP Meter:

There is no definition except 1-10...1 being...hell are you kidding me this shit is boring and 10 being...please excuse me while I change my underpants!

Creepy Friday: Is it me or is time flying?

So it hit me today...wow...April already? Are you fricken kidding me? The first quarter is up already! Damn time flies...or am I flying? They keep telling me the older I get the faster times flies...if that is the case then I totally get why my grandparents look totally disoriented every time I see them! So it is creepy Friday...take a look at what creeped me out this week...

(1) Session 9

So in my pursuit of Creep, this week my latest movie was Session 9. Now I have got to tell you, while I wasn't exactly running across the front yard in the dark full of terror, this actually ranked high in my book on the creep factor. It is a psychological movie and I won't spoil it for you but I really liked this one and will actually give it a high mark on my creep meter. If you are easily creeped out don't watch this one at night alone...and if you do....take pictures. I will say this much...how did this guy get away with this shit with all those guys from Law & Order in there...damn cops...never one around when you need one!

CREEP Meter: 8

(2) The Expendables

Have you seen this trailer? Now THIS is hilarious...one last hoorah for the classics! SO in ONE movie we have Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Steve "Stone Cold" Austin, Randy Couture and Terry Crews. As if THAT were not enough they also tried to get Jean-Claude van Damme,Steven Seagal and Wesley Snipes! So what we have is an unending supply of testosterone not to mention geritol and ben gay....at least we have the peace of mind that our movie legends are safe...Medicare should cover any accidents nicely!

CREEP Meter: 8

(3) "Can I rub your head?"

OK. So I work at a children's hospital. I see all kinds of kids come in and out...some rude, some polite, some well or ill behaved...face it...kids are as different as adults are. So this week I had this kid come in, mind you, I don't think he was all together there, but then neither was his mom. I could hear him in the waiting room and I cringed at this registration. So the kid comes in and he has one of those can cooler sleeves (you know the foam ones you put your can of beer in to keep it cool?) on his hand and says, Hey there! Look! I am missing a hand!...I thought...oh geez..this should be good. So as I am doing registration, this kid (10-12 age group so as not to betray any "HIPAA" info)decides he likes me and wants to hug up all over me. Now I gotta tell you; I am a very touchy feeling person with people I love. With strangers? I am big on my personal space. Don't touch me and keep your safe distance. So this kid decides he just LOVES me...is all huggy and shit. I keep looking at his mom like...hello????? No help there. And then this kid REALLY creeps me out...he says...Can I rub your head?....wtf???? Now keep in mind I shave my head so rubbing my head is actually possible...but still...????? Are you fricken serious? So he doesn't wait for an answer and starts rubbing my head....shudders...seriously...I was freaking out...and mom? Yeah...still no help there...I was thrilled to get them out of there for sure...rub da Buddah! INDEED!

CREEP Meter: 9 (seriously....I was creeped out...no touchy!)

(4) My 5 year old "mother"

Those of you that know me, know that I am a single dad of a beautiful little girl that is My life. She really is everything I live for. She is funny, sassy and quite the handful. Well it seems of late that she has decided that due to the lack of a "significant other" in my life it is HER job and designation in life to be MY mother and look out for Daddy. Not too long ago I was sick and My mom made the mistake of telling Bethanie that Daddy was sick and she had to take care of me. OMFG! Just a hint? NEVER do that to a five year old. My sweet little girl turned into this terrifying bossy little shit! She would come into the computer room and tell me, "Daddy you need to get off the computer and come in the room and rest so I can watch you." I shit you not! So Wednesday night I was hyped up on coffee and couldnt sleep. So I went to bed around 3:30am and I creep into the room quietly and notice she is awake, so I lean over her and ask, "Babygirl you ok?" To which she responds with a slightly rebuking sigh, "yes Daddy I am ok but you need to sleep." wtf?

CREEP Meter: 10 (decidedly a 10...she will be 6 years old this month and I shiver to think how much worse this can get!)

So what creeped you out this week...care to share?


Definition of the CREEP Meter:

There is no definition except 1-10...1 being...hell are you kidding me this shit is boring and 10 being...please excuse me while I change my underpants!

Creepy Friday!

So I am starting a tradition this week...Creepy Friday. I have seen Not Me Monday! Friday Secrets, Things I've Learned This Week!, Idiot of the Week, The Sunday Pull and of course the infamous "Shit I was doing this week when I wasn't here" And I decided I wanted a cop out day too! (Yeah I know it is a joke ladies and gentlemen don't get all on the defense!)

So what I will do with Creepy Friday is just randomly talk about events, people, movies and things my kids did that I just find mildly to extremely creepy...and have a creep meter...feel free to comment on them please as it will make this a whole lot more fun.

So for my first edition of creepy Friday..

1. The Fourth Kind.

So I finally watched this movie. It was actually pretty good. I would say it was more intriguing than it was creepy. I will have to do some research on the validity of some of its claims. What I did find creepy was Milla Jovovich had an almost topless scene that I didn't care didn't actually end up showing anything...because..let's face it...she has nothing to show in a topless scene! Hell, my man boobs are bigger than hers! (which is in and of itself a creepy mental image I assure you!) All in all I was personally impressed with the movie and as I mentioned, intrigued.

Now to take the creep level up just a little...I finished this movie around 2:30am and went to bed and had a dream that I was abducted by aliens and they changed out my stomach and put clamps on it and I was in horrible pain (in my dream of course) and woke up when I only had a couple of hours left to live! Except..maybe it wasn't a dream...and they took me and did do all kinds o wierd shit to me and I don't remember it, but yet somehow in my subconcious I do...oh..and I did NOT see an owl..or maybe...hell I don't know. Any way the boobless wonder in a very intriguing movie gets to be on my CREEP list just because I had a wierd dream that may or may not have been brought on by those chicken fingers from the cafeteria last night...you know how it is...never trust hospital food!

CREEP Meter: 5

2. Shirley Phelps Roper

I came across this video on vjack's blog Athiest Revolution and when I began thinking about creepy shit I saw this week, this came to mind:



Wow! There are just no words to describe how creeped out that bitch makes me feel! It is like Bela Lagosi...shit..forget that the creepmeister had nothing on this nut job! And to think there are so many that actually agree with her! That my friend is creepy!

CREEP Meter: 10 (definiately a 10!)

3. Sarah Palin and John McCain...together again!

Now this should be creepy! Way too reminicient of 2008 and the hate campaign that palin the Bulldog waged against anybody that was not lined up with her evangelical message, pretty much telling us we were not quite as American as her and her supporters. Despite the fact that ultimately she dragged the McCain Campaign into a political nose dive, McCain somehow thinks this is going to change? I guess it is true what they say...you just can't teach an old dog new tricks...

Eh...not TOO terribly creepy...but an honorable mention...I think McCain is just too old news to really do anything to creep me out anymore.

CREEP Meter: 3

4. I want my own Canadian too!
(and to my Canadian friends...it is a joke don't get pissed at me!)

While this is soooo not creepy...it is funny as shit...and a fat guy laughing so hard he falls off his chair IS creepy! So thank you Leslee for giving me this link...I also went to youtube to get a version with better sound quality. Posted below is a letter written to Dr. Laura...whose hateful self righteousness is only matched by the types of Hannity and Limbaugh...actually I think she falls a little short but I digress...This letter was sent to her in regards to her comments that homosexuality is an abomination according to the Bible. It is an obvious take off of the video but both are different enough that it was worth putting both...Enjoy!
(This is the link that was given to me)

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

And here is a great version of the youtube video:



OK...so it is not creepy...but hell I wanted to share it anyway...

CREEP Meter: 0 (So it gets a 0 on the CREEP Meter...unless you take the fat guy falling out of his chair causing a massive earthquake causing the devastation only the Mayans could predict...except it is a couple of years early!)


Definition of the CREEP Meter:

There is no definition except 1-10...1 being...hell are you kidding me this shit is boring and 10 being...please excuse me while I change my underpants!

That'll be all folks!

(BTW...please comment if you can....all comments are appreciated!)