Optimism

OK...so this may come as a surprise but I am not the world's greatest optimist. Yeah, I know...big surprise. What I call realism or reality most people call pessimism and negativity. I have always been the person to pay more attention to the cloud rather than the silver lining...the silver lining is an illusion of what MIGHT happen while the cloud is very real. I am a glass half empty kind of guy...count on what you have...not on what you might have. Is just how I have always been. I don't try to be down on it, or have a negative attitude about it...it just is what it is.

I am cautious about optimism. Optimism too often can blind you to reality...and the truth is that sometimes reality bites. I tried reading a book a very good friend lent me called The Secret. This book is all about the warm and fuzzies and happy bubblies. Tell the universe what you want and the universe HAS to give it to you. Think only positive thoughts and only positive things will happen. When you send negative thoughts negative things will happen. And apparantly, the universe is really sensitive, because wording is really important. If you say "I don't want to be in the ditch" the universe operates on a reverse psychology basis and says..Oh shit! You want to be in the ditch....here...and oooppss there you are in the ditch.

My only problem with this is that ignorance is NOT bliss. Ignoring the ditch doesn't mean the ditch isn't there...all it means is that you are shocked and unprepared for the ditch and the consequences of falling in the ditch. Reality, while not as pleasant is much more effective, in my book at least.

The only problem with realism and a realistic view of the world and life in general is that sometimes you can get jaded. Sometimes you lose the ability to dream. Sometimes you miss it when a good thing comes your way because you are so focused on "reality" that you are waiting for "the other shoe to drop" and not taking the time to enjoy what you do have.

Optimism has always reeked too much of faith to me. And those that know me know I am not a big fan of the concept of faith. The difference between optimism and faith is that optimism takes the current facts and situation and hopes for the best. Faith does not need facts...it can be based on pure fiction. Well, that is My take on it at least, but I am not here to argue semantics. The point is that I could use a little more optimism in my mindset.

As I am looking at the future I see a future that is bright. I have made some serious mistakes in my life and I have paid the consequences. My children have paid the consequences. I have, hopefully, learned some valuable lessons. As I look at the circumstances I am facing...a woman that loves me and I love...a woman that will be the first responsible partner I have ever had in my life. Children, hers and mine that are now ours, that love me and look to me for guidance. That is a lot of hope, a lot of responsibility and a lot of room for optimism.

Optimism is also a lot about perspective. I put a song here that really is what started this blog post for me yesterday. Have you ever considered that optimism is as much selling ourselves as selling other people? I think it is really a lot of us taking lemons and making lemonades...it is looking at the cards we are dealt and playing anyways...it is about well...like this kid in this song....are you pitching or hitting? (no don't go all perv on me!)



The Greatest

By Kenny Rodgers

Little boy, in a baseball hat stands in the field with his ball and bat.
Says, "I am the greatest player of them all" puts his bat on his shoulder and he tosses up his ball.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
Now the little boy doesn't say a word, picks up his ball, he is undeterred.
Says, "I am the greatest there has ever been" and he grits his teeth and he tries it again.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
He makes no excuses, he shows no fear, he just closes his eyes and listens to the cheers.
Little boy, he adjusts his hat, picks up his ball, stares at his bat
Says,"I am the greatest, the game is on the line" and he gives his all one last time.
And the ball goes up and the moon so bright, swings his bat with all his might
The world's as still, as still can be, the baseball falls and that's strike three.
Now it's suppertime and his momma calls, little boy starts home with his bat and ball.
Says, "I am the greatest, that is a fact, but even I didn't know I could pitch like that!"
Says, "I am the greatest,that is understood, but even I didn't know I could pitch that good!"

In Pictures...

For those that have been through a divorce with children involved, you will understand what I am going to talk about today. Divorce is an ugly thing, not the unpardonable sin that I was raised to believe it is, but still not a pretty thing. The REAL victims of divorce are not the parents but rather the children. I mean...let's face it...you get to be rid of somebody that you hate getting up in the morning and seeing at the kitchen table drinking coffee! The kids though don't see it that way. The kids are going to miss somebody no matter who wins.

The situation is even worse when the parents live long distances from each other. My two older children have been raised in Michigan with their mom...while I live in Georgia. This situation has been hard on everybody involved, but particularly the children. I have struggled with the guilt of this for a long time and finally had to accept it for what it is. The hardest part of it, for me, is that I see them 2-3 months out of the year and you really don't realize how much a kid grows in a year till you only see them once a year. Every year it is like I am meeting completely new kids.

Rebekah Jewel is a little lady now. And little is just a manner of speaking! She has grown so much. Is a bookworm, just like I was when I was a kid. She is intelligent and witty. She is beautiful, going to be a real looker when she is all grown up. I am protective of my kids, and I hate I am not there to be the guy on the front porch cleaning out my shotgun scaring off the numb nuts that are wanting the only thing I wanted when I was their age! My little girl has gotten so big...My heart is too full of a myriad of emotions to really express what I feel. She will be thirteen this year. Another birthday I will miss...another Christmas I might miss unless I can find a way to make it happen. So many things. I haven't been there for homework, volleyball games, grades, report cards, detentions.....so many things that make up real life...make a parent a parent.




Benjamin Joel is also growing in leaps and bounds. This kid just amazes me. He is eleven. He is almost a tall as me and is already taller than Papaw (my dad) and Granny (by a long shot!) He has to be 5'9" which just blows my mind! He is a comedian. Everything is a joke, but under it all is a serious kid. While his sister is into reading books...he wants comic books...go figure. BJ used to have problems with wetting the bed....that problem seems to be gone. He had anger issues for a while, that also seems to have gotten better. He plays soccer...something I don't even have pictures of him doing. They are both taking taekwondo. He is big...but clumsy...but you can see he will be a good looking kid with a great personality.




Bethanie Rayne, of course, is not stranger on this blog. She suffers a lot as well through all this. For the last few years every time Becky and BJ leave she spends a week or so wandering around the house looking for them. It is sad really. Thankfully, this year is different. This year some big changes are coming down and she will not be alone.

For now we have the summer. And I have my kids...all of them. I am proud of them. I am afraid for them. I want the best for them and I want them happy. As they get bigger, I understand my own parents more. I understand that their disappointments were not with me, but with the fact that they wanted me happy, wanted to protect me and I was too stubborn and pig headed to make the right decisions to make my life successful and happy. They will always be proud of me as a person, if not my decisions and my actions. I understand now, a little late in the game, that they were right all along on so many things. And most of all, as I watch my kids grow up from a distance, I understand their helpless pain in watching things beyond their control affect the lives of those they love the most and would give their very lives for.



Our Gang

Mother's Day....somehow just doesn't seem enough...

Sunday is Mother's Day. On my way home tonight from work I got to thinking about it and I was just pondering the importance of mothers. I am gonna try to put my emotions into words and if it doesn't come out right...just go on to your next blog to read..I am sure they got it right. I want to acknowledge three mom's in my life and a child.

(1) My mom...

Where would I be without her? Well...not trying to state the obvious but I wouldn't be here! But that is besides the point. If there is any good in me...I give the credit to my mom. I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life...but to be honest...if I had listened to her I would have done things differently, but then, that is usually the case with all of us. My mom raised me to not only be a man...but a gentleman. She raised me with respect for authority, with respect for society and with respect for those around me. My mom raised me to think for myself, to have a backbone but also to have the courage to admit when I am wrong and to never be too big to apologize. She raised me to face the consequences of my choices, good or bad, with an uplifted head and straight shoulders (after all...you were man enough to do it be man enough to face the consequences!) Sure I have her temper and her stubbornness...but then...that is not entirely a bad thing. When I describe my mom to people I tell them...it is easy..Half Puerto Rican, half Italian...born and raised in Brooklyn...need I say more?

My mom had faith in me...even when I myself did not, when others in my family did not. When I made every decision in my life wrong...she had faith that I could still make the right one. Through the years she and I have had our differences, our heated arguments and disagreements but in the end, I always knew she was there for me. And for that I say...I love you mom...and it doesn't seem fair that all you get is the one day...after so many you give to all of us...Happy Mother's Day.

(2) Mandy...

Mandy is a fairly recent addition to my life...and the best thing I have ever had happen to me...and this is the first Mother's Day I have known her. In the last few months that I have gotten to know her though she has impressed me. I got to spend the weekend with her last month and watch her with her kids. Her kids are happy and well taken care of. The most common word on their lips is "mommy". I have watched her interact with her kids and watched her interact with my daughter. You can't fake it. Sure she has cranky days...all parents do! But I have gained a new respect for her after watching her with the kids. I know she wants to sleep in on Mother's Day...and I hope you get to, and I hope you have a Happy Mother's Day! (May I suggest the Benadryl? lol jk)

(3) Iris...

Mandy's mom is also a new addition in my life, and one I am thankful for. I was thinking about her and Mandy and Will tonight on my way home. I only got to spend a little bit of time with her on the weekend I was visiting but I can tell you alot about her...just from getting to know Mandy and Will. She is an intelligent woman that encourages a hunger for knowledge...she is an affectionate person with a sharp wit and you better be on your toes if you plan on keeping up!. I sat on the front porch with the three of them and watched them interact and I can see her in her kids...which is how it works right? I look forward to a lifetime of becoming a part of the family...and I want her to know I hold the deepest respect for her. It is funny. The other day I went on one of my crazy rants as I tend to do from time to time on my blog and Iris commented on it and started off with "Calm down Julio" and I just chuckled...I told Mandy afterwards I liked it...it kind of had a "Mom" touch to it. So Iris my hat off to you...you did a great job with those kids...and I hope you have a fantabulous Mother's Day.

(4) Bethanie...

I said I was going to recognize a child, and of course it would be my daughter, Bethanie. Mother's Day is a tough day every year. Last year I remember she came home from school crying. She was in pre K and they had all done a craft for "Mommy" and she had a gift for "Mommy" but no "Mommy" to give it to. I remember crying and holding her and telling her I loved her and just trying to distract her...I mean, seriously...what do you tell her?

Yesterday on Twitter somebody quoted Oprah Winfrey as saying "Biology is the least that makes a mother." And while I hate quoting her, I have to say this is a great quote. The woman that left three years ago, and left her three year old daughter is no mother. The woman that spent three years in and out disappearing for months at a time without so much as an email, and then when she did it was exactly that, just an email, all the while trying to blame everybody else except her own actions....is not a mother. This Sunday, she is staying home with me...she gave Granny a gift, but per Granny's request we kept the subject of mother out of it. But as Mandy and I discuss our future...which we are...I must admit that there was a relief in my heart as I watched them interact. And I get the warm and fuzzies every time we talk about Mandy and her face lights up...just another one of those things I thank Mandy for bringing into our life...

On the way home tonight I heard a song I had not hear in a while. A song by Martina McBride...In My Daughter's Eyes. I know it is written from a mother' view...so I am posting it here...followed by the lyrics...I hope you enjoy it. And happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's that read this...I hope you have a wonderful day...you deserve it and much more.

P.S. It is 1:30 AM and I am a little tired but I wanted to write it while my heart was feeling it...so if it is a bit jumbled...please forgive it.



In My Daughter's Eyes
Martina McBride

In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero I am strong and wise
And I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh, It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hanging on when your heart
Has had enough
It's giving more when you feel
Like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what will be
And though she'll grow
And someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Letter to My Younger Self

I recently read a blog that wrote a letter to their younger self and I have to tell you I could so empathize with the concept. Have you ever seen the movie "Time Cop"? With Jean Claude Van Damme? Was an ok movie for the genre and the era. But in it the police can travel through time and arrest people that were tampering with time. At one point the sleazy senator lectures his younger self. Can you imagine what you would tell yourself if you could go back in time? I am going to ride the time machine (pictured below) and leave a letter to my younger self telling him a few things I have learned since then. Then I am going to give the keys to three of my favorite bloggers...and give them the opportunity to do the same. If they choose to accept they have to take the ride, and write a letter (blog) about what they would tell their younger self..then pass the key on to at least one fellow blogger.



Letter to my younger self...

Dear young ignorant jackass:

You were always stubborn and too full of yourself to listen to anybody but your own advice...well here I am..listen to me.

You are NOT all that!

You are not the defender of righteousness. You are not the Lone Ranger and the great crusader. You do not have to save the world, neither will you be able to. You don't have the right to judge other people and tell them what to do. You do not have the right to get on the courthouse steps and lead prayer in a meeting calling to ban sale of alchohol on Sunday just because your sanctimonious ass is in church on Sunday does not mean you have any right to force others to act like this is your world and they are required to conform to make it a happy world for you and your relgious views.

You are not as hot as you think you are. As smart as you think you are...and the ladies really are not as crazy about you as you think. You stink..your mom used to tell you all that all the time and you used to get pissed at her. But she was right, your pride stunk and it is going to get you in a lot of trouble. ME in a lot of trouble...so please...take a chill pill. Learn that judging other people only opens you up for mistakes and sooner or later you will have no right to judge anybody...once you have done everything you judge THEM for...only then will you realize that you never DID have the right to judge in the first place.

It is ok to question things...No matter what they tell you!

Don't accept things at face value. No matter how much they scream heresy, no matter how much they threaten you with eternal damnation and eternal torment. Have the courage to ask...don't wait as long as I did. Dare to question. The only way you learn is to question. The only way you grow is to challenge your mind. Accept nothing at face value. You could save yourself a lot of confusion and heartache if you dare to take a chance.

Ease up a little...learn to live

Dude...GET A FUCKING LIFE! You are too hung up on yourself, too hung up on what you have to do, need to do that you have no idea how to do what you want to do. Look outside of yourself. STAY AWAY FROM WORLD OF WARCRAFT! Sure it is lots of fun, but it will suck the life out of you. Learn how to make friends, learn how to keep friends. Learn to talk to your friends. Some of my greatest friendships I lost because I didn't learn how to communicate. After you get married, meet other couples, make friends that can last for a lifetime. When I got older I ended up alone way too damn much and I have nobody else to blame. And online friends don't count..at least not JUST online friends. You need to learn how to look people in the eye, talk to people, treat people. You will become a social hermit if you continue in the path I followed.

Think before jumping dumbass!

You are one impulsive dumbshit! And it would not be so bad if you learned your lesson, but more times than not you jump, while you still have a broke leg from the last time you jumped. There is no point to making mistakes if you are going to make the same fricken mistakes over and over and over. Hey! The definition of insanity is attempting the same thing over and over expecting different results. Wise up. Start thinking on the consequences and the ramifications of your choices. financially you are going to screw up big time if you don't listen to what I am telling you. And relationships?? Dude...you don't even want to go there! Your own family is going to get tired of you, some of them just preferring to leave you the hell alone then to deal with your stupidity...shape up...learn...

Lay off the twinkies Doughboy!

Yeah...you may think your body can handle the abuse but it can't. I am now a diabetic...so cut this shit out...eat a few more salads bazooka butt! And the Coca Colas? Dude seriously...one once in a while is not a big deal...but a 12 pack a day is outrageous...remember the whole diabetes thing in the family? It sucks! BIG TIME! Chill out on the junk food, and stop eating so late. Treat your body right because I need it to work for me down the road. Serious!

Learn to pick your fights...and learn to fight the ones that should be fought.

You know what? You are a knucklehead. You fight the stupid fights and the ones that count you back down from. Grow a pair of balls early in life you chicken shit, if not by the time you do you will have lost too much and have too many regrets. You will lose friendships because you were to chicken shit to talk about the serious things that mattered to them. You will lose relationships because you argue the petty shit and ignore the serious stuff...like it is just going to go away...it doesn't go away...take my word for it!

Stop procrastinating!

Sure you can do it tomorrow..but tomorrow may be too late. Learn to live in today and learn from the past and learn to not count on tomorrow. Learn what is important and get it done. Don't procrastinate. Stop putting off serious shit. If you don't you will lose your kids, you will struggle with school...and so many other things will happen...get a sense of urgency about you...

It is ok to forgive yourself...

This is the biggest one. You will make mistakes. There will come a time that you will have a hard time looking yourself in the mirror. There will be days that you will be absolutely sick of yourself. Days you don't want to get out of bed and face the world. Days you don't want to leave the house and face the world. Days when you will be ashamed to look your own family in the face. There are days coming that everything you believed in will be knocked out from under you, every thing you thought about yourself will be knocked to rubble...and on that day you will wish you are dead and will not even have the courage to do that. Then you will look back in total shame at those days. You will blame yourself for the greatest loss you will ever face. You will blame yourself for the damage you brought to your children's lives by your bad choices and decisions...and you will seek the forgiveness of others...while completely refusing to forgive yourself...learn that lesson now...learn to forgive yourself...learn that lesson...a lesson I never learned...

And seriously...lay off the twinkies...and lay off the buffets...for real...and it wouldn't hurt you to take a few walks...watch a few sunsets...see a few sun rises...spend time with your kids while you have them...you will remember those moments when you don't.

Sincerely,
Julio (from the future)

P.S. No joke..stay away from World of Warcraft!

OK....there you have it...I have it on good sources that my younger self didn't listen...but then hey...it is how I was...

Now for the fun part...I am giving a copy of this key to three fellow bloggers...they have to write a letter to their younger self and then pass their key on to at least one fellow blogger.

Gamecock Mama
Gifts of Thought
Waiting for the Click

Creepy Friday: Some kids will scare the SHIT out of you!

So welcome to this week's edition of Creepy Friday. This week's theme seems to be kids. It appears that NOTHING could be quite as creepy as kids at times. And let's face it, we are creeped out when kids do things because, well, they are kids! They are supposed to be cute and cuddly and all sweet and innocent, so when one does something...well...fucked up..we are all like...whoah dude that is fucked up! Yeah I know, kinda repetitive but you get the point! So without further ado...here are some kids that creeped me out this week...

1. The Haunting in Connecticut

Now in my search for creep I have continued watching movies purported to have some creep in them since I am still looking for that elusive feeling of "creep". This week I had two entries and I must admit they were pretty impressive. Ironically...they both centered around a kid! The first one was The Haunting in Connecticut a thriller/horror movie that was set in this little town in Connecticut (Thank you Professor Obvious!) and this little house that was haunted (yeah I know...I am excelling at the obvious today). But beyond the title you have a boy who is dying of cancer and his family moves in to this house to be closer to the hospital. The rent is cheap and the house is big and when asked what was the catch the landlord from hell gives the ubiquitious reply...well..the house has a history. Ok...word of advice...any house the landlord starts describing as "has a history" do not move in...history is NOT a good thing! So they move in and the kid starts seeing shit and is being all hush hush about it because the therapy he is having might cause hallucinations which would mean he wouldn't get it..so he wants the treatment and stays all hush hush till he is possessed by some wierd little kid named Jonas and apparantly some really really bad things happened in the house a long time ago and Jonas wants to set things right and decides to use the dying boy to get shit done. So after a lot (and I do mean a lot) of bodies are discovered little Jonas is at peace all though..is it me or does Jonas look like a young Tom Ridley? (from Harry Potter for you religious freaks that stay away from the magical world of the young wizard) Plus the sick kid gets cured of cancer when Jonas leaves him which is kind of cool, and only fair after the whole possession thing and well...is there any way St. Jude's can bottle THAT cure up? Sure it is a bit rough...but heck...if it works.... Also...I watched this movie at home alone, in the dark about 2am..and I swear I was hearing shit in the house afterwards..just saying...

CREEP Meter: 8

2. Orphan

If you have never seen this movie, you really have GOT to see it. There is something that is beautiful about a child's innocence that captivates us and truly anchors the world for us. So few things will knock us off our comfort zone than a child that goes beyond all the accepted and normal behavior of a child and does some really screwed up things. I won't ruin this one for you...lets just say you start off trying to figure out if this kid is just the perfect kid and you hate her on that whole "jock hates nerd" level...or if you want to run like hell. By halfway through the movie you are convinced on the running part...it is just a matter of how far and how fast...

CREEP Meter: 15 (yes...on a 1-10 this was a 15 in my book!)

3. Creepy little white girl

So my girlfriend put me on to this one and it is actually quite hilarious. George Lopez on his show always had (has? is his show still on tv? I never watch tv anymore so I have no clue.) this "creepy little white girl" that was the bearer of bad news.


So me and my girlfriend were talking about this and she mentioned on how he could get away with saying "creepy little white girl". If he had said "creepy little black girl" he may have had some problems. But like I told her..did you ever see Children of the Corn? or Village of the Damned? There are no creepy little black kids or hispanic kids or chinese kids...so there you go! Is not racism...blame Hollywood!



CREEP Meter: 1 (ok so not creepy but funny as shit and appropriate to this week's theme of creepy kids! And look at that picture...see? Creepy little white kids!)

4. Where are you Dad? (the Tiger Woods Ad)

So I am about as tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and his every move and how bad he screwed up as the next guy...blah blah blah. But seriously? His dead dad chewing him out? WoW! Ok...so there is a little creep there. And yes..I know Tiger is not a kid..but he kinda looks like well...a creepy little black kid here..don't you think? And I can so totally imagine hearing my dead dad chewing me out for screwing around. (Thankfully my dad is not dead but if he was he would still find a way to chew me out, and even alive he would find a way to chew me out like a voice from heaven kinda wierd shit...cause he can be kinda freaky like that.)



CREEP Meter: 5

5. Daddy..kiss my (doll's) ass!

So Monday I am sitting down in my lazy boy and my 5 (soon to be 6) year old comes up to me and starts all kissy kissy with me. We are pecking back and forth playfully when she tells me, "Daddy, close your eyes". So trusting my adorable, innocent little baby girl I do. While my eyes are closed she pulls down the pants on her doll, bends it over and puts its ass right in my face and says, "Kiss me Daddy!" No joke...see? Kids ARE creepy!



I know you can't see it..but seriously...she can be a creepy little kid! I swear it! Dont let the little innocent smile decieve you!

CREEP Meter: 5ish

Definition of the CREEP Meter:

There is no definition except 1-10...1 being...hell are you kidding me this shit is boring and 10 being...please excuse me while I change my underpants!

How do you explain it to a five year old?

Today's blog is personal. I know I usually talk politics, humor and a random variety of different subjects. I don't often talk about my personal life outside of the occasional mention. Today was not a good start to the week. I will admit, I am depressed, emotional, stressed...over all not in a good state of mind. A little background...

About seven to eight years ago my first marriage was in the pits, we were separated and getting divorced. I made a lot of decisions that were not exactly the best. At the top of that list was the decision to meet a girl coming to the States on a visit. The idea I had at the time was to meet her and fuck her. Part as a revenge fuck to get back at my wife and part because I had been raised that if you commit adultery you can't ever preach or pastor again and I was, in a way, tendering my resignation to God. I know, sounds stupid, but when you are angry and hurt you do a lot of stupid things.

The result of that week's romp under the sheets was the most amazing miracle to ever enter my life. My daughter Bethanie has been the catalyst in my life that made me grow up, and I would never trade her for absolutely anything in my life. I have often said she is the axis on which my world spins. Of all the mistakes I have made in my life, and so many times I have felt like I have just simply failed at life, she makes my life worthwhile.

It is no surprise that a relationship that started so wrong did not end right. A lot of things happened that should not have happened. There was infidelity, irresponsibility and a total lack of interest and true love on both our parts. I am not going to use my bully pulpit to point out her flaws...because I made more than my share of mistakes that helped tear down that marriage. I remember on the day we went to the Justice of the Peace to get married, I told her then, in very clear terms, I didn't love her. That never changed. I married her for the baby, looking back now it was not the wisest decision I ever made, but it is what it is.

About three years ago, she and I were living in separate rooms and barely talking to each other. We were both very unhappy. She decided she wanted to go back to Australia. She had several reasons, some I can't fault her for. She was having some medical problems that as it turns out seem to have been mostly stress related and our farce of a marriage could not have been helping things. She had left three children over there and was missing them as well. I try to write this without sounding judgmental, but I admit I am fairly close to the situation and angry...so bear with me.

So she decided she wanted to go back to Australia. I told her I would not help her and if she wanted to she would have to find a way to pay for it. I also told her that if she left, she left alone. I refused to sign anything for passport, visa or anything for international travel. If she left, she left alone and my daughter stayed her. You may disagree with that decision, and that is your prerogative. I had a choice to make and I made it. I chose to dedicate my life to my daughter and to take on the responsibility of raising her. It has not been easy, but it has been very rewarding.

Bethanie turned three in April and her mom left in June. Her trip was paid for by her family in Australia. I have often wondered what possibly COULD have been the right decision for her and I don't envy the choices she was forced to make. She had three children in Australia and one here. How do you possibly choose? That doesn't mean I go easy on her. She had a choice to make...and she made it. Choices carry consequences. My life is riddled with bad choices that had severe consequences. You learn, as an adult, to stand and face those consequences. Her subsequent behavior is where I began getting upset with her.

After she left, I got a telephone (VOIP)through Lingo with free calls to Australia. The idea was she would email me and I would call her. For the first month or two the calls came every week. I felt her emailing me would at least be some sort of point of responsibility. It is not my responsibility to force a relationship. If she wanted it, the LEAST she could do was email me. I was even paying for the phone, for crying out loud! As time passed the emails became less frequent, and as a result the phone calls did. I eventually canceled the phone since the only reason I had it was to talk to her and since she had stopped emailing me I didn't see the point of keeping it.

At this point it came down to one line emails every few months. Just a quick "How is Bethanie?" I attempted to share as much as I could till I got a scathing email about my pushing the whole "Daddy's girl" thing? What do you expect? Little girls typically are "Daddy's girls" and more so when Daddy is all they have. From that point on I began responding with just the basics, why elaborate? The emails were coming once every two to three months. At one point I went six months without hearing from her. I thought something had happened to her...I will plead the fifth on my personal emotional response to that thought.

The effect of this on Bethanie was devastating. When the phone calls began to become infrequent I would have problems with her crying in the middle of the night. I would have her waking up with nightmares. Calling out for her mom in the middle of the night. She refused to sleep in her own bed and pretty much claimed my (then) king size bed as her own and I was allowed a small slice of the edge...and she usually slept right up almost on top of me, craving that physical contact. If I had to go to work she would cry, refusing to let me go out of her sight. When I was home she had to be right by me. Obviously she was having some abandonment issues. And it seemed just as I was getting better, her mom would call, and it would start all over again. When she went to school, all the little kids had a mommy, and she wanted to know where hers was. We would be in Wal-Mart and she would just point at random women and call them mommy. As much as little girls are Daddy's girls, they need a mommy too. My mom began helping me with her and she has come to see Granny as her mommy figure.

I tried pointing this out to her mom and of course, as has always been the case with her, it was MY fault, not hers. Because, of course, it is MY responsibility to be sure she has a relationship with her own offspring. She once rebuked me for "talking bad" about her to Bethanie...but the fact is...I have NEVER talked bad about her to Bethanie. The truth is...I never talk to her about her mom at all. It was a subject we just stopped talking about about six to eight months after she left. This morning I took an old family picture and pointed at every individual and she named them: Daddy, BJ, Becky, Herself... But when I pointed at her mom she answered, I don't know. She really doesn't know. Which is sad.

Now keep in mind, in three years she has not taken any active interest in Bethanie. Has not sent one dime of support. Has not bought one gift. One time I mentioned to her that the State of Georgia was looking for information on her for child support and her response was (and I am copying and pasting her reply), "even if your american law says l have to pay australian law doesnt recognise it." (typos included)

So about two months ago she said she would like to start talking to Bethanie again. At this point it has been three years and Bethanie doesn't even know who she is. I understand I have no legal standing to keep her from talking to Bethanie, so I lad down some ground rules. She had to be consistent and she had to call during certain hours because of school and bedtime. And she would have to call on her dime. No more of me facilitating her abandonment. She responded that she would follow them and needed me to give her a number and address. I was in no hurry to respond and got another email this morning yelling at me for not replying, accusing me of lying to her to try to run her off and as usual blaming me for her failures. I was angry, hurt and very emotional...which is why I am writing this I guess.

Why did I take so long in responding to her? Simply put, how do I explain this to a five year old? How do I do so with out talking bad about a woman that hasn't give two shits for three years? How do I handle the confusion, the pain and the anger that could result? And what do I do if the nightmares, the crying in the middle of the night and the bad dreams start all over again? Am I over thinking this?

I am angry. I am emotional. I don't want to expose my daughter to more pain and confusion. I can't even begin to describe the emotional turmoil I am in today. My buddy John had to talk me down from my original response to her...it was NOT pretty. I know this is about Bethanie and not about me...but the Papa Bear in me is concerned about Bethanie...so yes my emotions are mine, but it is about My daughter, about this precious treasure that is not merely a part of my life...she IS my life.

So forgive me for a blog totally unrelated to anything important to the world around us...but for what it is worth...it is about the most important thing in my world...

And thanks for putting up with my rambling....And any helpful advice would be appreciated.

Creepy Friday: Is it me or is time flying?

So it hit me today...wow...April already? Are you fricken kidding me? The first quarter is up already! Damn time flies...or am I flying? They keep telling me the older I get the faster times flies...if that is the case then I totally get why my grandparents look totally disoriented every time I see them! So it is creepy Friday...take a look at what creeped me out this week...

(1) Session 9

So in my pursuit of Creep, this week my latest movie was Session 9. Now I have got to tell you, while I wasn't exactly running across the front yard in the dark full of terror, this actually ranked high in my book on the creep factor. It is a psychological movie and I won't spoil it for you but I really liked this one and will actually give it a high mark on my creep meter. If you are easily creeped out don't watch this one at night alone...and if you do....take pictures. I will say this much...how did this guy get away with this shit with all those guys from Law & Order in there...damn cops...never one around when you need one!

CREEP Meter: 8

(2) The Expendables

Have you seen this trailer? Now THIS is hilarious...one last hoorah for the classics! SO in ONE movie we have Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Steve "Stone Cold" Austin, Randy Couture and Terry Crews. As if THAT were not enough they also tried to get Jean-Claude van Damme,Steven Seagal and Wesley Snipes! So what we have is an unending supply of testosterone not to mention geritol and ben gay....at least we have the peace of mind that our movie legends are safe...Medicare should cover any accidents nicely!

CREEP Meter: 8

(3) "Can I rub your head?"

OK. So I work at a children's hospital. I see all kinds of kids come in and out...some rude, some polite, some well or ill behaved...face it...kids are as different as adults are. So this week I had this kid come in, mind you, I don't think he was all together there, but then neither was his mom. I could hear him in the waiting room and I cringed at this registration. So the kid comes in and he has one of those can cooler sleeves (you know the foam ones you put your can of beer in to keep it cool?) on his hand and says, Hey there! Look! I am missing a hand!...I thought...oh geez..this should be good. So as I am doing registration, this kid (10-12 age group so as not to betray any "HIPAA" info)decides he likes me and wants to hug up all over me. Now I gotta tell you; I am a very touchy feeling person with people I love. With strangers? I am big on my personal space. Don't touch me and keep your safe distance. So this kid decides he just LOVES me...is all huggy and shit. I keep looking at his mom like...hello????? No help there. And then this kid REALLY creeps me out...he says...Can I rub your head?....wtf???? Now keep in mind I shave my head so rubbing my head is actually possible...but still...????? Are you fricken serious? So he doesn't wait for an answer and starts rubbing my head....shudders...seriously...I was freaking out...and mom? Yeah...still no help there...I was thrilled to get them out of there for sure...rub da Buddah! INDEED!

CREEP Meter: 9 (seriously....I was creeped out...no touchy!)

(4) My 5 year old "mother"

Those of you that know me, know that I am a single dad of a beautiful little girl that is My life. She really is everything I live for. She is funny, sassy and quite the handful. Well it seems of late that she has decided that due to the lack of a "significant other" in my life it is HER job and designation in life to be MY mother and look out for Daddy. Not too long ago I was sick and My mom made the mistake of telling Bethanie that Daddy was sick and she had to take care of me. OMFG! Just a hint? NEVER do that to a five year old. My sweet little girl turned into this terrifying bossy little shit! She would come into the computer room and tell me, "Daddy you need to get off the computer and come in the room and rest so I can watch you." I shit you not! So Wednesday night I was hyped up on coffee and couldnt sleep. So I went to bed around 3:30am and I creep into the room quietly and notice she is awake, so I lean over her and ask, "Babygirl you ok?" To which she responds with a slightly rebuking sigh, "yes Daddy I am ok but you need to sleep." wtf?

CREEP Meter: 10 (decidedly a 10...she will be 6 years old this month and I shiver to think how much worse this can get!)

So what creeped you out this week...care to share?


Definition of the CREEP Meter:

There is no definition except 1-10...1 being...hell are you kidding me this shit is boring and 10 being...please excuse me while I change my underpants!