Friday, April 9, 2010

Creepy Friday: Some kids will scare the SHIT out of you!

So welcome to this week's edition of Creepy Friday. This week's theme seems to be kids. It appears that NOTHING could be quite as creepy as kids at times. And let's face it, we are creeped out when kids do things because, well, they are kids! They are supposed to be cute and cuddly and all sweet and innocent, so when one does something...well...fucked up..we are all like...whoah dude that is fucked up! Yeah I know, kinda repetitive but you get the point! So without further are some kids that creeped me out this week...

1. The Haunting in Connecticut

Now in my search for creep I have continued watching movies purported to have some creep in them since I am still looking for that elusive feeling of "creep". This week I had two entries and I must admit they were pretty impressive. Ironically...they both centered around a kid! The first one was The Haunting in Connecticut a thriller/horror movie that was set in this little town in Connecticut (Thank you Professor Obvious!) and this little house that was haunted (yeah I know...I am excelling at the obvious today). But beyond the title you have a boy who is dying of cancer and his family moves in to this house to be closer to the hospital. The rent is cheap and the house is big and when asked what was the catch the landlord from hell gives the ubiquitious reply...well..the house has a history. Ok...word of advice...any house the landlord starts describing as "has a history" do not move in...history is NOT a good thing! So they move in and the kid starts seeing shit and is being all hush hush about it because the therapy he is having might cause hallucinations which would mean he wouldn't get he wants the treatment and stays all hush hush till he is possessed by some wierd little kid named Jonas and apparantly some really really bad things happened in the house a long time ago and Jonas wants to set things right and decides to use the dying boy to get shit done. So after a lot (and I do mean a lot) of bodies are discovered little Jonas is at peace all it me or does Jonas look like a young Tom Ridley? (from Harry Potter for you religious freaks that stay away from the magical world of the young wizard) Plus the sick kid gets cured of cancer when Jonas leaves him which is kind of cool, and only fair after the whole possession thing and there any way St. Jude's can bottle THAT cure up? Sure it is a bit rough...but heck...if it works.... Also...I watched this movie at home alone, in the dark about 2am..and I swear I was hearing shit in the house afterwards..just saying...

CREEP Meter: 8

2. Orphan

If you have never seen this movie, you really have GOT to see it. There is something that is beautiful about a child's innocence that captivates us and truly anchors the world for us. So few things will knock us off our comfort zone than a child that goes beyond all the accepted and normal behavior of a child and does some really screwed up things. I won't ruin this one for you...lets just say you start off trying to figure out if this kid is just the perfect kid and you hate her on that whole "jock hates nerd" level...or if you want to run like hell. By halfway through the movie you are convinced on the running is just a matter of how far and how fast...

CREEP Meter: 15 (yes...on a 1-10 this was a 15 in my book!)

3. Creepy little white girl

So my girlfriend put me on to this one and it is actually quite hilarious. George Lopez on his show always had (has? is his show still on tv? I never watch tv anymore so I have no clue.) this "creepy little white girl" that was the bearer of bad news.

So me and my girlfriend were talking about this and she mentioned on how he could get away with saying "creepy little white girl". If he had said "creepy little black girl" he may have had some problems. But like I told her..did you ever see Children of the Corn? or Village of the Damned? There are no creepy little black kids or hispanic kids or chinese there you go! Is not racism...blame Hollywood!

CREEP Meter: 1 (ok so not creepy but funny as shit and appropriate to this week's theme of creepy kids! And look at that picture...see? Creepy little white kids!)

4. Where are you Dad? (the Tiger Woods Ad)

So I am about as tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and his every move and how bad he screwed up as the next guy...blah blah blah. But seriously? His dead dad chewing him out? WoW! there is a little creep there. And yes..I know Tiger is not a kid..but he kinda looks like well...a creepy little black kid here..don't you think? And I can so totally imagine hearing my dead dad chewing me out for screwing around. (Thankfully my dad is not dead but if he was he would still find a way to chew me out, and even alive he would find a way to chew me out like a voice from heaven kinda wierd shit...cause he can be kinda freaky like that.)

CREEP Meter: 5

5. Daddy..kiss my (doll's) ass!

So Monday I am sitting down in my lazy boy and my 5 (soon to be 6) year old comes up to me and starts all kissy kissy with me. We are pecking back and forth playfully when she tells me, "Daddy, close your eyes". So trusting my adorable, innocent little baby girl I do. While my eyes are closed she pulls down the pants on her doll, bends it over and puts its ass right in my face and says, "Kiss me Daddy!" No joke...see? Kids ARE creepy!

I know you can't see it..but seriously...she can be a creepy little kid! I swear it! Dont let the little innocent smile decieve you!

CREEP Meter: 5ish

Definition of the CREEP Meter:

There is no definition except 1-10...1 being...hell are you kidding me this shit is boring and 10 being...please excuse me while I change my underpants!


Will Shealy said...

Creepy Little White Girl was only funny when she was singing - it would be better if the jokes were funny.

Children of the Corn - good sh*t. Haunting in Connecticut scene with the slaps kinda got me a little.


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