Random thoughts...

It has been a while since I blogged and frankly I am not even sure I know how to do it anymore. This post will be a little different than anything I have ever posted. It is 5:30 in the morning and as I sit here, at work, quiet, with a lot of thoughts running through my mind, I feel compelled to write. Most of those thought are centered around a little girl and a little routine that has come to mean so much through the last few years...

Daddy to little Girl: Who has my heart?
Little Girl to Daddy: I do...
Daddy to little Girl: and where is it?
(Little girl taps chest over her heart): Here!

Little Girl to Daddy: Who has MY heart?
Daddy to little Girl: I do...
Little Girl to Daddy: and where is it?
(Daddy taps his chest over his heart): Here!

Daddy and little girl touch the tips of their index fingers and say in unison:
Forever and always.

Seems like a silly routine but it is one that she and I did for three years, every night before she went to bed. After moving to our new life into a house full of little girls and boys it seemed like those routines changed and we didn't do it every night anymore, but still every now and then Bethanie and I will find ourselves in a little moment, just Daddy and Daughter, and we do it again.

Those that know Me and my family know that Mandy and I have been dealing with changes in Bethanie over the last year. Symptoms that showed in her speech and in her behavior. It has been hard to watch her struggle and my heart has ached for my little girl many times. I have watched her as she struggles to grow up, watched her as she struggles with an inability to express herself and an unfortunate inability to make friends and I have hurt for her, and have, along with her mother, shed many tears for her.

This last week Bethanie was officially diagnosed with mild to moderate autism. The diagnosis in itself was no surprise, Mandy and I had done our research and studied and objectively watched Bethanie (as objectively as a parent can at least) and had come to the conclusion long before we ever made it to the psychologist. She has a tough road ahead but thankfully she is in much better shape then a vast majority of kids with this diagnosis. She is high functioning, extremely smart and always inquisitive, if not always very cooperative. She has some good skills as an artist and a fascination with patterns that made the psychologist mention that she has potential in some good fields such as architecture or graphic designs. The point is that this is not a dead end for her by any means, it will just take a little harder work from her.

Mandy and I have battled through a variety of emotions this week. Frustration whenever a fight breaks out with Bethanie, sadness when she tries to get something out and just can't seem to get her mouth to say what her brain is telling it and anger...anger at a system that makes what is already a difficult situation that much more difficult. I discovered this week that due to the fact that my employer's insurance is self funded they are not bound by South Carolina regulations that require other insurance companies to cover autism. When I called to talk to them about it they were very dismissive about what they term a "behavioral disorder", as though a good spanking and a long time out will cure this.

Now we begin the long process of attempting to find assistance to help pay for the therapy, the medicine and the treatment that is necessary to help her cope with this and overcome it. We are ready for this fight, because she is worth it. She is a cute little brown eyed girl with a wild head of hair that she still hasn't figured out how to brush but damn she sure tries! Are there times I am over protecting? Yes...like the little girl across the street that is no longer welcome at our house after she snidely asked Bethanie's sister if she was "retarded"...yeah I get a little protective and ugly about it...but she is my baby...and she is my wounded lamb...so cut me a little slack...I am entitled to it.

Today, while at the doctor's office he put his stethoscope to her chest and told her he could hear her heart. She just shook her head and smiled and said...no that is Daddy's heart...then points to me and says, and Daddy has my heart. Only Mandy and me understood it; in the simplistic and literal manner of an autistic child she had gone beyond the little play, the little scene and had come to the literal conclusion that I held her heart in my chest and she holds my heart in hers...it was a sweet moment that made me tear up...forever and always, baby girl, forever and always....

Just Another Day in Paradise...

What a weekend it has already been.  Friday I had a job interview that went really good (good enough they just called me for a second interview tomorrow-Tuesday)  We went to Abby's award banquet for her swim team where she won the "Most Dedicated Swimmer" award for her age group.  She is pretty damn good, a regular little fish.  Then there was Saturday where we went to Mom's house and had a fun day in the pool and just hanging out and some pretty damn awesome Chilli/Slaw Dogs.  Mom made a chilli that was to die for.  

Sunday Abby and I went to her City Swim meet.  I was touched that she wanted me to go with her.  She did great...1st place in each of the heats she swam.  On the way home she told me she wanted to call me Dad....hey...it meant a lot to me...HUGE moment.  

There is so much more to say about this weekend....and many more to come...so Mandy and I decided to start a blog to kind of track our journey as a family....wanna see it?  

 http://sosfamilysos.blogspot.com/ 

When you go..do me a favor....tell Mandy we all would like to see more of HER on it!  Thanks!

In Pictures...

For those that have been through a divorce with children involved, you will understand what I am going to talk about today. Divorce is an ugly thing, not the unpardonable sin that I was raised to believe it is, but still not a pretty thing. The REAL victims of divorce are not the parents but rather the children. I mean...let's face it...you get to be rid of somebody that you hate getting up in the morning and seeing at the kitchen table drinking coffee! The kids though don't see it that way. The kids are going to miss somebody no matter who wins.

The situation is even worse when the parents live long distances from each other. My two older children have been raised in Michigan with their mom...while I live in Georgia. This situation has been hard on everybody involved, but particularly the children. I have struggled with the guilt of this for a long time and finally had to accept it for what it is. The hardest part of it, for me, is that I see them 2-3 months out of the year and you really don't realize how much a kid grows in a year till you only see them once a year. Every year it is like I am meeting completely new kids.

Rebekah Jewel is a little lady now. And little is just a manner of speaking! She has grown so much. Is a bookworm, just like I was when I was a kid. She is intelligent and witty. She is beautiful, going to be a real looker when she is all grown up. I am protective of my kids, and I hate I am not there to be the guy on the front porch cleaning out my shotgun scaring off the numb nuts that are wanting the only thing I wanted when I was their age! My little girl has gotten so big...My heart is too full of a myriad of emotions to really express what I feel. She will be thirteen this year. Another birthday I will miss...another Christmas I might miss unless I can find a way to make it happen. So many things. I haven't been there for homework, volleyball games, grades, report cards, detentions.....so many things that make up real life...make a parent a parent.




Benjamin Joel is also growing in leaps and bounds. This kid just amazes me. He is eleven. He is almost a tall as me and is already taller than Papaw (my dad) and Granny (by a long shot!) He has to be 5'9" which just blows my mind! He is a comedian. Everything is a joke, but under it all is a serious kid. While his sister is into reading books...he wants comic books...go figure. BJ used to have problems with wetting the bed....that problem seems to be gone. He had anger issues for a while, that also seems to have gotten better. He plays soccer...something I don't even have pictures of him doing. They are both taking taekwondo. He is big...but clumsy...but you can see he will be a good looking kid with a great personality.




Bethanie Rayne, of course, is not stranger on this blog. She suffers a lot as well through all this. For the last few years every time Becky and BJ leave she spends a week or so wandering around the house looking for them. It is sad really. Thankfully, this year is different. This year some big changes are coming down and she will not be alone.

For now we have the summer. And I have my kids...all of them. I am proud of them. I am afraid for them. I want the best for them and I want them happy. As they get bigger, I understand my own parents more. I understand that their disappointments were not with me, but with the fact that they wanted me happy, wanted to protect me and I was too stubborn and pig headed to make the right decisions to make my life successful and happy. They will always be proud of me as a person, if not my decisions and my actions. I understand now, a little late in the game, that they were right all along on so many things. And most of all, as I watch my kids grow up from a distance, I understand their helpless pain in watching things beyond their control affect the lives of those they love the most and would give their very lives for.



Our Gang