Mother's Day....somehow just doesn't seem enough...

Sunday is Mother's Day. On my way home tonight from work I got to thinking about it and I was just pondering the importance of mothers. I am gonna try to put my emotions into words and if it doesn't come out right...just go on to your next blog to read..I am sure they got it right. I want to acknowledge three mom's in my life and a child.

(1) My mom...

Where would I be without her? Well...not trying to state the obvious but I wouldn't be here! But that is besides the point. If there is any good in me...I give the credit to my mom. I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life...but to be honest...if I had listened to her I would have done things differently, but then, that is usually the case with all of us. My mom raised me to not only be a man...but a gentleman. She raised me with respect for authority, with respect for society and with respect for those around me. My mom raised me to think for myself, to have a backbone but also to have the courage to admit when I am wrong and to never be too big to apologize. She raised me to face the consequences of my choices, good or bad, with an uplifted head and straight shoulders (after all...you were man enough to do it be man enough to face the consequences!) Sure I have her temper and her stubbornness...but then...that is not entirely a bad thing. When I describe my mom to people I tell them...it is easy..Half Puerto Rican, half Italian...born and raised in Brooklyn...need I say more?

My mom had faith in me...even when I myself did not, when others in my family did not. When I made every decision in my life wrong...she had faith that I could still make the right one. Through the years she and I have had our differences, our heated arguments and disagreements but in the end, I always knew she was there for me. And for that I say...I love you mom...and it doesn't seem fair that all you get is the one day...after so many you give to all of us...Happy Mother's Day.

(2) Mandy...

Mandy is a fairly recent addition to my life...and the best thing I have ever had happen to me...and this is the first Mother's Day I have known her. In the last few months that I have gotten to know her though she has impressed me. I got to spend the weekend with her last month and watch her with her kids. Her kids are happy and well taken care of. The most common word on their lips is "mommy". I have watched her interact with her kids and watched her interact with my daughter. You can't fake it. Sure she has cranky days...all parents do! But I have gained a new respect for her after watching her with the kids. I know she wants to sleep in on Mother's Day...and I hope you get to, and I hope you have a Happy Mother's Day! (May I suggest the Benadryl? lol jk)

(3) Iris...

Mandy's mom is also a new addition in my life, and one I am thankful for. I was thinking about her and Mandy and Will tonight on my way home. I only got to spend a little bit of time with her on the weekend I was visiting but I can tell you alot about her...just from getting to know Mandy and Will. She is an intelligent woman that encourages a hunger for knowledge...she is an affectionate person with a sharp wit and you better be on your toes if you plan on keeping up!. I sat on the front porch with the three of them and watched them interact and I can see her in her kids...which is how it works right? I look forward to a lifetime of becoming a part of the family...and I want her to know I hold the deepest respect for her. It is funny. The other day I went on one of my crazy rants as I tend to do from time to time on my blog and Iris commented on it and started off with "Calm down Julio" and I just chuckled...I told Mandy afterwards I liked it...it kind of had a "Mom" touch to it. So Iris my hat off to you...you did a great job with those kids...and I hope you have a fantabulous Mother's Day.

(4) Bethanie...

I said I was going to recognize a child, and of course it would be my daughter, Bethanie. Mother's Day is a tough day every year. Last year I remember she came home from school crying. She was in pre K and they had all done a craft for "Mommy" and she had a gift for "Mommy" but no "Mommy" to give it to. I remember crying and holding her and telling her I loved her and just trying to distract her...I mean, seriously...what do you tell her?

Yesterday on Twitter somebody quoted Oprah Winfrey as saying "Biology is the least that makes a mother." And while I hate quoting her, I have to say this is a great quote. The woman that left three years ago, and left her three year old daughter is no mother. The woman that spent three years in and out disappearing for months at a time without so much as an email, and then when she did it was exactly that, just an email, all the while trying to blame everybody else except her own actions....is not a mother. This Sunday, she is staying home with me...she gave Granny a gift, but per Granny's request we kept the subject of mother out of it. But as Mandy and I discuss our future...which we are...I must admit that there was a relief in my heart as I watched them interact. And I get the warm and fuzzies every time we talk about Mandy and her face lights up...just another one of those things I thank Mandy for bringing into our life...

On the way home tonight I heard a song I had not hear in a while. A song by Martina McBride...In My Daughter's Eyes. I know it is written from a mother' view...so I am posting it here...followed by the lyrics...I hope you enjoy it. And happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's that read this...I hope you have a wonderful day...you deserve it and much more.

P.S. It is 1:30 AM and I am a little tired but I wanted to write it while my heart was feeling it...so if it is a bit jumbled...please forgive it.



In My Daughter's Eyes
Martina McBride

In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero I am strong and wise
And I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh, It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hanging on when your heart
Has had enough
It's giving more when you feel
Like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what will be
And though she'll grow
And someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Letter to My Younger Self

I recently read a blog that wrote a letter to their younger self and I have to tell you I could so empathize with the concept. Have you ever seen the movie "Time Cop"? With Jean Claude Van Damme? Was an ok movie for the genre and the era. But in it the police can travel through time and arrest people that were tampering with time. At one point the sleazy senator lectures his younger self. Can you imagine what you would tell yourself if you could go back in time? I am going to ride the time machine (pictured below) and leave a letter to my younger self telling him a few things I have learned since then. Then I am going to give the keys to three of my favorite bloggers...and give them the opportunity to do the same. If they choose to accept they have to take the ride, and write a letter (blog) about what they would tell their younger self..then pass the key on to at least one fellow blogger.



Letter to my younger self...

Dear young ignorant jackass:

You were always stubborn and too full of yourself to listen to anybody but your own advice...well here I am..listen to me.

You are NOT all that!

You are not the defender of righteousness. You are not the Lone Ranger and the great crusader. You do not have to save the world, neither will you be able to. You don't have the right to judge other people and tell them what to do. You do not have the right to get on the courthouse steps and lead prayer in a meeting calling to ban sale of alchohol on Sunday just because your sanctimonious ass is in church on Sunday does not mean you have any right to force others to act like this is your world and they are required to conform to make it a happy world for you and your relgious views.

You are not as hot as you think you are. As smart as you think you are...and the ladies really are not as crazy about you as you think. You stink..your mom used to tell you all that all the time and you used to get pissed at her. But she was right, your pride stunk and it is going to get you in a lot of trouble. ME in a lot of trouble...so please...take a chill pill. Learn that judging other people only opens you up for mistakes and sooner or later you will have no right to judge anybody...once you have done everything you judge THEM for...only then will you realize that you never DID have the right to judge in the first place.

It is ok to question things...No matter what they tell you!

Don't accept things at face value. No matter how much they scream heresy, no matter how much they threaten you with eternal damnation and eternal torment. Have the courage to ask...don't wait as long as I did. Dare to question. The only way you learn is to question. The only way you grow is to challenge your mind. Accept nothing at face value. You could save yourself a lot of confusion and heartache if you dare to take a chance.

Ease up a little...learn to live

Dude...GET A FUCKING LIFE! You are too hung up on yourself, too hung up on what you have to do, need to do that you have no idea how to do what you want to do. Look outside of yourself. STAY AWAY FROM WORLD OF WARCRAFT! Sure it is lots of fun, but it will suck the life out of you. Learn how to make friends, learn how to keep friends. Learn to talk to your friends. Some of my greatest friendships I lost because I didn't learn how to communicate. After you get married, meet other couples, make friends that can last for a lifetime. When I got older I ended up alone way too damn much and I have nobody else to blame. And online friends don't count..at least not JUST online friends. You need to learn how to look people in the eye, talk to people, treat people. You will become a social hermit if you continue in the path I followed.

Think before jumping dumbass!

You are one impulsive dumbshit! And it would not be so bad if you learned your lesson, but more times than not you jump, while you still have a broke leg from the last time you jumped. There is no point to making mistakes if you are going to make the same fricken mistakes over and over and over. Hey! The definition of insanity is attempting the same thing over and over expecting different results. Wise up. Start thinking on the consequences and the ramifications of your choices. financially you are going to screw up big time if you don't listen to what I am telling you. And relationships?? Dude...you don't even want to go there! Your own family is going to get tired of you, some of them just preferring to leave you the hell alone then to deal with your stupidity...shape up...learn...

Lay off the twinkies Doughboy!

Yeah...you may think your body can handle the abuse but it can't. I am now a diabetic...so cut this shit out...eat a few more salads bazooka butt! And the Coca Colas? Dude seriously...one once in a while is not a big deal...but a 12 pack a day is outrageous...remember the whole diabetes thing in the family? It sucks! BIG TIME! Chill out on the junk food, and stop eating so late. Treat your body right because I need it to work for me down the road. Serious!

Learn to pick your fights...and learn to fight the ones that should be fought.

You know what? You are a knucklehead. You fight the stupid fights and the ones that count you back down from. Grow a pair of balls early in life you chicken shit, if not by the time you do you will have lost too much and have too many regrets. You will lose friendships because you were to chicken shit to talk about the serious things that mattered to them. You will lose relationships because you argue the petty shit and ignore the serious stuff...like it is just going to go away...it doesn't go away...take my word for it!

Stop procrastinating!

Sure you can do it tomorrow..but tomorrow may be too late. Learn to live in today and learn from the past and learn to not count on tomorrow. Learn what is important and get it done. Don't procrastinate. Stop putting off serious shit. If you don't you will lose your kids, you will struggle with school...and so many other things will happen...get a sense of urgency about you...

It is ok to forgive yourself...

This is the biggest one. You will make mistakes. There will come a time that you will have a hard time looking yourself in the mirror. There will be days that you will be absolutely sick of yourself. Days you don't want to get out of bed and face the world. Days you don't want to leave the house and face the world. Days when you will be ashamed to look your own family in the face. There are days coming that everything you believed in will be knocked out from under you, every thing you thought about yourself will be knocked to rubble...and on that day you will wish you are dead and will not even have the courage to do that. Then you will look back in total shame at those days. You will blame yourself for the greatest loss you will ever face. You will blame yourself for the damage you brought to your children's lives by your bad choices and decisions...and you will seek the forgiveness of others...while completely refusing to forgive yourself...learn that lesson now...learn to forgive yourself...learn that lesson...a lesson I never learned...

And seriously...lay off the twinkies...and lay off the buffets...for real...and it wouldn't hurt you to take a few walks...watch a few sunsets...see a few sun rises...spend time with your kids while you have them...you will remember those moments when you don't.

Sincerely,
Julio (from the future)

P.S. No joke..stay away from World of Warcraft!

OK....there you have it...I have it on good sources that my younger self didn't listen...but then hey...it is how I was...

Now for the fun part...I am giving a copy of this key to three fellow bloggers...they have to write a letter to their younger self and then pass their key on to at least one fellow blogger.

Gamecock Mama
Gifts of Thought
Waiting for the Click

This ain't no thinking thing...or is it?

I am an analytical person. It is a good thing most of the time but sometimes it can be a real pain in the ass. I have been accused many times (more times than I care to recall) of "thinking too much." One time somebody I love and respect very much asked me if I even have the ability to be passionate about anything with all the time I spend analyzing things. Those that follow my blog know that I do have the ability to be passionate (and even senseless) at times, so I know I DO have the ability to be passionate. But I will also admit that I used to not show that passion, and the accusation that I was unable to pushed me to be more open on my blog about how I feel about things.

My experiences in "love" have not been good. I have spent much time analyzing the concept of love. My recent involvement with the most wonderful woman I have had the opportunity to know has brought this subject to the fore front of my mind more than ever. Mandy and I have discussed this subject at length and there are times I can almost hear a chuckle in her voice at moments that I tend to over analyze things. Thankfully she is patient with me at moments like that and doesn't turn up the volume on the TV!

In our culture we are raised with these ideas about love. Love is forever. Love is about finding "the one." Love is blind. Love at first sight. And the list goes on and on. These phrases all SOUND good. These statements all gives us the "warm fuzzies." That is...untill they bite us in the ass. I am not sure that this blog will make a lot of sense but I want to share some thoughts and conclusions I have come to about love....

(A) Love is less about finding "the one" and more about finding the right type of "one".
Now, I am not going to get into poly relationships because those relationships are NOT for everybody, as a matter of fact, having tried them in the past, I can definitely state that they are NOT for me. And since this is my own personal thoughts and feelings about love I will not be discussing poly relationships because frankly I am a one woman man, and want my woman to be a one man woman, and want my woman to want me to be a one woman man. I will come back to this concept at some point in this rambling blog so sit tight.

I remember growing up and hearing the story about the paper heart that was torn in two and the parts were separated, scattered across the world and would never be complete until they found each other. The idea of course is that there is one person out there made for another person and they would never be complete until they found each other. Now this sounds romantic and all well and good till you begin considering that I may be born and raised in the backwoods of NW Georgia and my "one" may be a poor little chinese girl in some remote rice field in northern China whom there is no chance in hell I will EVER meet. At this point I am seriously screwed! So this concept just does not work for me...not at this stage in my life and given the experiences I have had.

As I have thought on it and analyzed it I have come to the conclusion that it is not a matter of "the one" as much as the right type of person. It is about chemistry. Now this may sound obvious but hear me out. The right kind of people just "mix" well so two unlikely candidates when thrown together may actually turn out to have the right chemsitry and they are just right together. Now the problem is, I am not the same person I was eighteen years ago when I met my first wife and we "fell" in love. I have changed, grown, for better or for worse, and am just not the same person I was then.

This is a significant point because the other day my buddy John and I were discussing how many people in my age group are getting divorced. It really seems like every time I turn around I am hearing of somebody else, right around my age that is getting a divorce. Much is being made of the rise in divorce rate and a lot of things are being blamed for it. But in all honesty I wonder if the nature of chemistry coupled with the changing rules of society are all that is needed to explain the rise in divorce. Allow me to explain.

A couple meets at age 18, they "fall" in love and are determined they have found their happily ever after. The chemistry is just right and the world is as it should be. They get married and couldn't be happier. Time goes by and the two people begin to grow up and mature. Now one of two things are going to happen. They are going to either grow up together or apart. Now by this I simply mean that if they grow up "together" on the same page or in the same direction then the chemistry remains mainly the same. They grow old and are happy and life goes on. By growing apart I mean that they change, they mature in different directions with different interests and outlooks in life.

Now you may disagree with this but I will take my own first marriage. When we met we were both in love and we were both in church. We were extreme right wing and were raising our kids that way. Life happened. I am now an athiest and a liberal. She is still very much in church and is still very much extreme right. Among all the other things that happened we simply grew in different directions. Now the major difference today versus fifty years ago is that fifty years ago divorce was frowned on as a mortal sin. Divorce was essentially something that would ruin your good name, ruin your reputation and would put you in a position where you basically had to move away to get away from the shame of it. Because of this social environment, couples that grew apart lived in the same house as strangers. They each did their responsiblity but essentially lived in different rooms or went about their days without hardly talking to each other in a loveless marriage because that is what society required of them. Times have changed. So when those couples that grow and mature apart, rather than together, lose the chemistry, rather than doing like previous generations they divorce go their separate ways and find somebody that they have that chemistry with.

Now you may disagree with this, but it really brings things in perspective to me. You may ask why this was such a big deal to me. Because I want this to be something that lasts forever, I want that this relationship be something special that lasts forever. I need to know what I am dealing with. I need to know the parameters I am working within. I need to know that if I am looking for "the one" that she is "the one". If I am looking for the right type of one...looking for that special chemistry then I am not looking for something "magical" (though no doubt in its own way it is just not a "mythical" type of "magical") but rather looking at something that can be examined and can be understood...yes I know...here I go with the quantifiable bull crap again! So I won't go into details at this time of WHY I am really liking the chemistry in this relationship, because well, it is too early in it for me to go there, but suffice it to say I am really happy with the way it is going...just in general here are a few things I have watched when it comes to "chemistry":

(1) Intellect. You think differently at middle age then you did at 18. I mean let's face it, when I was 18 I was young, dumb and full of cum. I thought with the wrong head 95% of the time, and that is putting it mildly. I drove like an idiot with no concern for those around me. I spent money as fast as I got it. A car was only a good car if it was a cool car. Motorcycles were a good idea. I really could go on and on. Now somethings never change and I admit that. Sure, I still think with the wrong head sometimes, just the percentage has changed somewhat I would like to think. A car with good gas mileage and room for the family is a good good car and I traded my balls (in driving) for kids. The way we think changes.

When I was younger life consisted of movies, work and TV. Back then in those days I was very much in church. I didn't look for or want intelligent conversation. Politics was not something I was interested in and my views were spoonfed to me by my church, other preachers and (gag) Rush Limbaugh. I did not even really attempt to think for myself. With time that changed. I began to question everything...and I still do. I want to understand not only the end results but how you got to them and I want to verify that each step was handled reliably and responsibly. The point is at this juncture in my life I want a woman that I can talk to and discuss issues. Current issues. I want to be able to discuss theology, religion, politics, social decay, cultural differences, moral views and the list goes on and on. I dream of being with that person that we may disagree but we are going to discuss it and it may get heated but we like it that way!

I have dated women that when I would try to broach these subjects, subjects that are important to me, their reply would be, "well, I really don't want to get into that." Sure we disagreed, and I knew we disagreed, but I hungered for that kind of chemistry. A woman that knows her mind and isn't afraid to speak it but is also willing to hear my mind at the same time...that is priceless. It is part of getting to REALLY know somebody you love. And I have to say...I have totally enjoyed the conversations (and some HAVE been of a mildly aggressive nature) with Mandy...and who knows...maybe there are many more in store.

(2) Emotional. This is something that is much harder to "quantify". And there is much I have yet to learn about this. I do not feel that I am quite at liberty to speak for both of us, and emotional stuff is something both parties have to speak for themselves in. But I will say this, already there are days she knows what I am feeling five hours away...through just a simple text...and sometimes without even a text or a phone call...and visa versa...

(3) Physical. I mention physical last for a reason. First that contact has been limited, and by nature of the distance will be for some time. Second, for the first time in my life, the physical IS important but is not the msot important thing in a relationship. When I say I was drawn to her for mind and intellect I mean that. We met blogging. Sure there was a physical attraction from the moment we began talking and it was just pictures, but there was much, much more. I don't downplay the need for physical chemistry in a relationship. At some point every factor of the chemistry will take the lead in importance. Sometimes it will be all about the physical and at others all about the emotions and at others all about the intellect. Every part is integral...

(B). What love is to me.
Me and my second wife, yes sadly I did say my second wife, used to argue a lot about what love is. I really have some pretty opinionated ideas about what love is...this is not the sum of all it is, but the things I am about to mention, I feel, are integral to it.

1. Love is chemistry..I already discussed this so I won't go into it again.

2. Love is choice. Now mind you, I am not saying that we choose who we love, no it is not that simple. Nor am I saying that we choose to continue loving somebody because if that were the case there would never be divorce. What I am referring to is that real love is not something we "fall" into, as though we tripped on our shoelaces. Once the chemistry is there we are adults and we are responsible to decide...is this something I want to pursue, and if so am I willing to take the consequences. Now the reason this is important is too often people want to play the victim act, as though they did not have any part in it and the other person just used them. No my friend, I am 33 years old and am a grown man. If my relationships did not work it is not all their fault, it is my fault too. My choices affected it and it was MY choice to pursue those relationships in the first place.

3. Love is an action. This is HUGE and was the main point my ex and I used to argue about. Love is more than just an emotion. It is more than something you feel. It is something you show. The old saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words." My dad used to always say, "You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving." Love requires action. With great love comes great responsiblity. My ex used to always say that I expected her to work to prove her love...geez...is that a hard concept to understand? If a husband does not provide for his family, does not protect them, does not provide the emotional and physical support needed...does he love them? If a wife does not take care of her family does she have the right to say she loves them?

4. Love is an emotion. Yes...there is an emotional basis to love. It is this emotion that we feel. It is a powerful emotion. It is also an emotion that can be killed. Many of us have been there.

(C.) Myths about love.

1. Love is blind. Love is not blind. Infatuation is blind. Lust is blind. Love is not. You love in spite of flaws. You do not ignore them. You know those flaws are there, you accept that they make up part of the person you love and you love them regardless.

2. Love is eternal. Love is not always eternal. I have heard the death knell of love. I have seen love burn as high as the sky...and I have seen that flame flicker and die. Love can last a life time, and you hope it does. But love takes work for it to last. Love is not eternal in and of itself. Love has to be developed, love has to be maintained and love has to be appreciated when it does last. If you take it for granted it will die.

3. Love is not a "thinking thing." Trace Adkins (one of my favorite country music singers) once did a song saying that love, "ain't no thinking thing, right brain left brain it goes a little deeper than that. It's a chemical, physical, emotional devotion passion that we can't hold back. There's nothing that we need to analyze, there ain't no rhyme or reason why. This ain't, this ain't no thinking thing." It sounds really good on paper, it sounds real good to a fast beat and it sounds real good to a heart that has not been broken into a thousand pieces. But the older I get, the more I realize My heart, if left to its own devices will seriously fuck me up. I have learned to use my head as well.

In conclusion I am sure at this point this just looks like a lot of rambling. I am not sure it makes sense to you. But what I do know is that after careful consideration of these facts I find myself more and more intrigued on where this whole thing with Mandy will go...for sure it promises to NOT be a boring ride and I look forward to the Wonderful Journey...

The C-word scuffle...

So as it must happen in every relationship, my girlfriend and I had our very first...heated disagreement resulting in a somewhat agressive discussion. Yeah, in layman's terms we had our first fight. Now this is to be expected and is to be considered normal. Especially for two intelligent and passionate people. Now some of you may doubt my intelligence considering I am blogging on this subject, however:

(1) She knows I am writing this...we even discussed the contents...and no she did not write it...and we actually had a good laugh about it...afterwards...

(2) This is my view of the discussion and I totally and freely admit it! But I am not really arguing it...more recounting it...

So it started out about her blog. Now keep in mind we met through our blogs. Sure we actually started talking in Twitter, but our initial introductions to each other was through our blogs. Mandy has a great blog that I highly recommend. She does a better job balancing the serious with the funny and whimsical then I ever could. I would get bored with my own blog sometimes if I weren't so passionate about the subjects I write. But I acknowledge it is a lot of rhetoric, opinions, politics, religion and well just plain out serious stuff with the occasional humurous blog. But Mandy balances it out nicely.

Now she and I have had a lot of heated discussions since we met. What do you expect? I am a liberal leaning Democrat and she is a right leaning Independant. I am an atheist and she is a Methodist. We have discussed every subject imaginable: politics, religion, social science, culture, movies, music...and the list goes on and on. That is what I admire the most about her. She is intelligent and does not mind putting the (theoretical or metaphorical) gloves on and hopping in to a serious discussion. It is so different from any other person I have dated. They usually would avoid the subjects I am so passionate about, simply because they disagree with me. She disagrees and hops right in to the discussion. I love and admire that. We can disagree...hell..it is more fun if we DO disagree! but in the end we respect each other...and look forward to the next opportunity to discuss it again.

Point is...I really do admire and respect her for intellignece and wit...yeah...and sarcasm...did I mention the sarcasm? Ok...that is for another post! We are both stubborn...which is why any discussion we have has two consistent attributes; first, it WILL get heated at some point and, second, it will last forever, sometimes for days. Now the last one is kind of funny since the "to be continued..." moments can occur at any moment and in the middle of ANY discussion. She challenges me, and I love that.

Now before anyone gets too curious, Mandy and I have met, we feel this relationship really has some star potential to it, but we are both adults and are in no rush, in a manner of speaking. We both have situations to deal with in our lives now, and will take the time to be sure this lasts for a lifetime. So we are in the beginnings of what is already...a wonderful journey.

Now...back to this little scuffle of ours. She was saying something very serious, and of the three to four paragraphs she said, one sentence in particular caught my attention and I made the mistake of using the c-word. No...NOT THAT C-WORD...I said the apparantly VERY offensive word...."cute". Yes, ladies and gentlemen...I called her cute. Now I was unaware that the wrong usage of this word will earn you a week's pass (if you are lucky) to sensitivity training...but apparantly that is the case. As it turns out, there are appropriate uses for the word "cute". It can be interpreted as condescending or patronizing (I knew I was in trouble when she next asked me if I was going to "pat her on the head"!) Now on some level I already knew this. I mean, seriously, last thing I would want to do is drop my pants in the presence of my girlfriend and her snicker and say..."how cute"...yeah..terrible timing for that word.

But as is the case with us guys, we sometimes miss the point and say the wrong thing and then we are playing catch up...oh come on..you know what the hell I am talking about. Oh...and a word of advice? Telling her she is overreacting is not a good strategy...take my word for it. Now I argued that since I didn't mean it that way (which I really didn't) then I cannot be judged for saying something and it being taken that way. Furthermore, I argued, I cannot control how she interprets something.

Well, as you might imagine those arguments went over like a lead ballon. So she turned to her friends in Twitter and asked them, and then reported to me that the vote was overwhelming...it is considered condescending to say "cute" when your significant other is talking about something serious. (I later found out that this overwhelming vote was 2-0...'nuff said lol)

The point is that I am in a new kind of relationship...I am with somebody I admire, respect and care deeply for, that is extremely intelligent and reads between the lines and my choice of words is becoming more and more important. And while I would never condescend to her because I know there is no room for patronizing a woman I admire so much, I can understand the confusion. So Baby I owe you that apology still...grins...I may actually give it one day! bwahahahahaha Although I do have to say...I have thus far discovered that "prolly" (the texting abbreviation of "probably") is a bad habit (which I knew..but had not quite put it on the level of..oh...say...heroin), "brat" will bring down fire from heaven, and well..."cute" is the coming of the apocalypse!

One of the happiest moments of my life
I do not know where it leads from here but I game to find out
Wonderful Journey

How do you explain it to a five year old?

Today's blog is personal. I know I usually talk politics, humor and a random variety of different subjects. I don't often talk about my personal life outside of the occasional mention. Today was not a good start to the week. I will admit, I am depressed, emotional, stressed...over all not in a good state of mind. A little background...

About seven to eight years ago my first marriage was in the pits, we were separated and getting divorced. I made a lot of decisions that were not exactly the best. At the top of that list was the decision to meet a girl coming to the States on a visit. The idea I had at the time was to meet her and fuck her. Part as a revenge fuck to get back at my wife and part because I had been raised that if you commit adultery you can't ever preach or pastor again and I was, in a way, tendering my resignation to God. I know, sounds stupid, but when you are angry and hurt you do a lot of stupid things.

The result of that week's romp under the sheets was the most amazing miracle to ever enter my life. My daughter Bethanie has been the catalyst in my life that made me grow up, and I would never trade her for absolutely anything in my life. I have often said she is the axis on which my world spins. Of all the mistakes I have made in my life, and so many times I have felt like I have just simply failed at life, she makes my life worthwhile.

It is no surprise that a relationship that started so wrong did not end right. A lot of things happened that should not have happened. There was infidelity, irresponsibility and a total lack of interest and true love on both our parts. I am not going to use my bully pulpit to point out her flaws...because I made more than my share of mistakes that helped tear down that marriage. I remember on the day we went to the Justice of the Peace to get married, I told her then, in very clear terms, I didn't love her. That never changed. I married her for the baby, looking back now it was not the wisest decision I ever made, but it is what it is.

About three years ago, she and I were living in separate rooms and barely talking to each other. We were both very unhappy. She decided she wanted to go back to Australia. She had several reasons, some I can't fault her for. She was having some medical problems that as it turns out seem to have been mostly stress related and our farce of a marriage could not have been helping things. She had left three children over there and was missing them as well. I try to write this without sounding judgmental, but I admit I am fairly close to the situation and angry...so bear with me.

So she decided she wanted to go back to Australia. I told her I would not help her and if she wanted to she would have to find a way to pay for it. I also told her that if she left, she left alone. I refused to sign anything for passport, visa or anything for international travel. If she left, she left alone and my daughter stayed her. You may disagree with that decision, and that is your prerogative. I had a choice to make and I made it. I chose to dedicate my life to my daughter and to take on the responsibility of raising her. It has not been easy, but it has been very rewarding.

Bethanie turned three in April and her mom left in June. Her trip was paid for by her family in Australia. I have often wondered what possibly COULD have been the right decision for her and I don't envy the choices she was forced to make. She had three children in Australia and one here. How do you possibly choose? That doesn't mean I go easy on her. She had a choice to make...and she made it. Choices carry consequences. My life is riddled with bad choices that had severe consequences. You learn, as an adult, to stand and face those consequences. Her subsequent behavior is where I began getting upset with her.

After she left, I got a telephone (VOIP)through Lingo with free calls to Australia. The idea was she would email me and I would call her. For the first month or two the calls came every week. I felt her emailing me would at least be some sort of point of responsibility. It is not my responsibility to force a relationship. If she wanted it, the LEAST she could do was email me. I was even paying for the phone, for crying out loud! As time passed the emails became less frequent, and as a result the phone calls did. I eventually canceled the phone since the only reason I had it was to talk to her and since she had stopped emailing me I didn't see the point of keeping it.

At this point it came down to one line emails every few months. Just a quick "How is Bethanie?" I attempted to share as much as I could till I got a scathing email about my pushing the whole "Daddy's girl" thing? What do you expect? Little girls typically are "Daddy's girls" and more so when Daddy is all they have. From that point on I began responding with just the basics, why elaborate? The emails were coming once every two to three months. At one point I went six months without hearing from her. I thought something had happened to her...I will plead the fifth on my personal emotional response to that thought.

The effect of this on Bethanie was devastating. When the phone calls began to become infrequent I would have problems with her crying in the middle of the night. I would have her waking up with nightmares. Calling out for her mom in the middle of the night. She refused to sleep in her own bed and pretty much claimed my (then) king size bed as her own and I was allowed a small slice of the edge...and she usually slept right up almost on top of me, craving that physical contact. If I had to go to work she would cry, refusing to let me go out of her sight. When I was home she had to be right by me. Obviously she was having some abandonment issues. And it seemed just as I was getting better, her mom would call, and it would start all over again. When she went to school, all the little kids had a mommy, and she wanted to know where hers was. We would be in Wal-Mart and she would just point at random women and call them mommy. As much as little girls are Daddy's girls, they need a mommy too. My mom began helping me with her and she has come to see Granny as her mommy figure.

I tried pointing this out to her mom and of course, as has always been the case with her, it was MY fault, not hers. Because, of course, it is MY responsibility to be sure she has a relationship with her own offspring. She once rebuked me for "talking bad" about her to Bethanie...but the fact is...I have NEVER talked bad about her to Bethanie. The truth is...I never talk to her about her mom at all. It was a subject we just stopped talking about about six to eight months after she left. This morning I took an old family picture and pointed at every individual and she named them: Daddy, BJ, Becky, Herself... But when I pointed at her mom she answered, I don't know. She really doesn't know. Which is sad.

Now keep in mind, in three years she has not taken any active interest in Bethanie. Has not sent one dime of support. Has not bought one gift. One time I mentioned to her that the State of Georgia was looking for information on her for child support and her response was (and I am copying and pasting her reply), "even if your american law says l have to pay australian law doesnt recognise it." (typos included)

So about two months ago she said she would like to start talking to Bethanie again. At this point it has been three years and Bethanie doesn't even know who she is. I understand I have no legal standing to keep her from talking to Bethanie, so I lad down some ground rules. She had to be consistent and she had to call during certain hours because of school and bedtime. And she would have to call on her dime. No more of me facilitating her abandonment. She responded that she would follow them and needed me to give her a number and address. I was in no hurry to respond and got another email this morning yelling at me for not replying, accusing me of lying to her to try to run her off and as usual blaming me for her failures. I was angry, hurt and very emotional...which is why I am writing this I guess.

Why did I take so long in responding to her? Simply put, how do I explain this to a five year old? How do I do so with out talking bad about a woman that hasn't give two shits for three years? How do I handle the confusion, the pain and the anger that could result? And what do I do if the nightmares, the crying in the middle of the night and the bad dreams start all over again? Am I over thinking this?

I am angry. I am emotional. I don't want to expose my daughter to more pain and confusion. I can't even begin to describe the emotional turmoil I am in today. My buddy John had to talk me down from my original response to her...it was NOT pretty. I know this is about Bethanie and not about me...but the Papa Bear in me is concerned about Bethanie...so yes my emotions are mine, but it is about My daughter, about this precious treasure that is not merely a part of my life...she IS my life.

So forgive me for a blog totally unrelated to anything important to the world around us...but for what it is worth...it is about the most important thing in my world...

And thanks for putting up with my rambling....And any helpful advice would be appreciated.

Mr. Mom...takes on Dora the Smart Mouth Explorer

So I was trying to figure out what to write. Had a couple of days where I have been a little down and a little stressed over some problems. Trying to find solutions that still seem to be out of reach. I had determined at the beginning of the year that I was going to take my blog less serious and was not going to write depressed! lol

I also decided to quite whining about my problems on my blog since really....nobody really wants to know about them and it just makes for depressing reading...and I am off my medication...well kinda...I still eat lots of candy and drink a ton of gatorade lol. And coffee...lots of coffee.

So I was wanting to write something on my blog. And Mandy My twitter friend and blog pal tried to be my muse by telling me about some new recruit for the Gamecocks football...but seriously...why would I want to write about a losing college when the UGA rocks so hawt! Go Dawgs.

So I decided to fall back on what truly is my muse. Bethanie. You know it is really kinda crazy in a way. Her mom and I were never meant to be together. Two people of opposite personalitis, intellect, interests and ideology could not be found. It is amazing we lasted as long as we did. I really don't like the woman. But no need to go there, this is not about her...it is about My babygirl.

Her vocabulary is growing so fast. And she is such a smart ass lil brat! She has this HUGE Dora the Explorer plush toy. And she has started telling me things she SHOULDN'T say..but it isn't HER saying it...it is DORA saying it.

"Daddy Dora says you should get me a glass of water."

"Really now? Well maybe Dora should go get your glass of water."

~more whispering between Bethanie and Dora resulting in Bethanie looking at me with that serious face only a five year old can do~

"Daddy Dora thinks you are mean and that it is imposssssible-ble for her to get a glass of water and you should get off your butt and get it for me."

I look at my daring darling daughter...

"Tell Dora I am gonna beat your butt if she keeps talking to me that way"

"Dora says Al rescate!"

BEGEEZUSFINGKRISTOS!!!!!

Where does time go? How time does fly. She has gotten so big. And gone through so much. It is bad enough the poor thing is stuck with a cranky ol' bachelor dad. But she does it with so much grace and such a great attitude!

I had to sit down with her this morning and explain to her that she is Daddy's girl and Daddy's princess...but to stop going around telling everybody she is a princess because she is beginning to get a little obnoxious about it! Yes...you must bow down and worship the princess! ROFL.

So the exciting thing is that four months ago we were having problems with her and her developing her vocabulary. Now today she was trying the word "impossible" out for size which elevated her from princess to...Drama Queen! Long live the Queen! lol it was cute to listen to her tell me how IMPOSSIBLE it was to fix her bed!

I look at this little princess...and I think so often...she deserves so much more. I don't know if she needs me more or I need her more! She is truly the axis on which my world spins. In a world where for me there is no god...she is a goddess...she is my center and my balance.




Here is My Angel Bethanie and her offendsive smart mouth partner in crime Dora the Explorer!

Boldly going...where few men dare to go...

So here is a question guys...When is the last time you bought a gift for a woman? Ok now I am not JUST talking about a wife or girlfriend...I mean ANY woman..co- worker, friend, friend with benefits (yeah, yeah you don't have one I know...just pretend you do! lol) It doesn't matter who the woman is, if estrogen in way shape or form comes into the equation you are taking your life in your hands! Now granted, whenever a woman is involved whom you have had the pleasure of at any time, past, present or future, of spending anytime of considerable pleasure between their creamy thighs...the risk level goes up exponentially! Oh stop cringing it happens we are adults and by now have figured the best location for certain pleasures so stop acting all offended! LOL Let's face it...when you have "done the deed" you better get certain things right...if you have any intentions of doing the deed again...but then I digress!

So I stopped at Wal-Mart, the place of eternal damnation, to buy a gift for a friend whom I have known for some time, and happens to be one of the very few real life friend I have left. And as I stood in wal mart I began contemplating this whole dangerous endeavor of buying a woman a gift. There are some rules that must not be violated...

(1) Timing is important. Now keep in mind that this was supposed to be a Christmas exchange gift. I have known MJ for a few years now and she is a great person, has two great kids one of which is serving in the military..the other is in college, two very well mannered kids that she has done a great job raising. MJ had bought my Christmas exchange gift and told me to let her know when I had mine o we can exchange them. Yeah...boy did I blow this rule huh? Middle of January? Oh boy. So the timing is very important. You know like when we forget birthdays, valentines days, anniversaries...and boy does the anniversary one get us really bad. Because women not only celebrate the ANNUAL anniversary...it is REALLY bad at the beginning of a relationship...ever had this conversation?

"Baby?" she says in that cutsie voice that makes your heart flip and your dick hard.

"Yes Love?" You say trying to be sweet and romantic and gather up brownie points for that blow job later.

"Do you know what today is?" She says with that Cheshire grin that tells you you are fucked...and not in a good way! Your heart sinks, your palms get sweaty and you try remember, and at this point all hope of the blow job are gone and you jut HOPE you get to sit next to the table at least on the floor!

"Umm...ummm..our anniversary?" First you stuttered totally giving away that you have no clue, then you ended your answer in a question mark tone of voice further confirming her suspicions,(way to go dumb shit) but since you know how women are your guess was a good one. You HOPE she lets you off the hook...but sadly it i not done yet. She COULD just squeal and say "OMG you remembered!" but we all know THAT is not going to happen! Instead she says..."Yes it is...which one?" And you know you are in the shitter! You finally lean in and kiss her and say. "I am not sure but it has been great!" Hoping you survive the withering glance you are about to get! And then she says, "It is our third month and three week anniversary! How could you forget???" LOL How could I forget????? You are lucky I remember the 15th of March of every year! lol

(2) WHAT you get is EQUALLY important. Now my friend Leslee over at Waiting for the Click one of the blogs I follow is a pretty understanding gal when it comes to us men and the gifts we buy, but lets face it...there are some pretty firm rules about what you don't buy as gifts. (a) Never buy lingerie...that is a gift that is more for you and shows what you have in mind you filthy male pig! (b) Never buy household items...you know..blenders, vacuum cleaners, can openers, etc. this is usually accompanied by some remark about you being a sexist pig and "do you think that that is all I am good for????" (c) Never buy clothes. Now women like clothes, lingerie and household stuff...but those are necessities that you are supposed to buy anyway dammit!

Now when it comes to buying clothes, this is one you can get away with mot of the times. It is the path to getting it that becomes tricky! So I am standing in wal mart and looking at these Georgia Bulldogs, University of Georgia t-shirts and I know she would love them because she is a big Dawgs fan. Then comes to picking out one...and the tricky question of size. See this is a very delicate issue to deal with. If you go too small it is a problem, if you go too large it is a problem as well. Note the following conversations:

Example 1: You buy it too small...

"Did you get this for me or your girlfriend?" "You don't like how I am? Are you hinting that I need to lose weight? You don't like my boobs so big?" Yeah it gets pretty bad from there...

Example 2: You buy it too big...

"Did you buy this for ME and the REST OF THIS FUCKING TOWN???" "Do you seriously think I am THAT fat?!?" "You aren't so slim jim yourself there buddy!" Yeah...this is not good either...

Damned if we do...damned if we don't!

So I decided to take the chance and call...yeah so...I am at wal mart was looking at some t shirts and thought I would get ya one...what size should I get? So this plan has some pitfalls to it as well...IF you are in an intimate relationship, fucker you are supposed to KNOW this shit! Me I can't make sense of women's clothing...all I know is if it has more letter digits deeper into the alphabet that means thing are getting bigger...that is all I know...Fortunately MJ is not offended and tells me, but the pitfall are still too dangerous...so I opt for something safe...a purse...and hope to gawd she doesn't have it all ready! LOL

In conclusion allow me to add that the true proof that MJ i a great person and awesome friend is that she has a GREAT sense of humor....and even more so...tolerates MY weird ass sense of humor! I salute you MJ My friend! (and I really do have that gift this time I swear it!)

Turn your head and cough....

So today I went to do the physical for My new job and OMFG! I have NEVER had that intense of a physical for a job! The whole works...blood work, urine test, sugar test and even the whole "turn your head and cough" routine! Hell it been a while since a woman touched me THERE...too bad it didn't do shit for Me! lol

I have a job! what can I say....that says it all! It is really amazing the difference it makes to have a job. I spent a year looking for work and it made me desperate. When President Obama was running for presidency he often mentioned the simple "dignity" of having a job. I never really understood that till I was desperate for one.

I made some really bad decisions out of desperation and moved away to where I could find work...I was thrilled to have a good job but life made it necessary to move back...when I moved back I was afraid I was in for another long job hunt...I doubted myself and doubted my ability to find work...well I have a new found faith in myself...amazing what just finding a job will do for a man.

So now I sit at home...me and My family...My daughter...the most precious gift I could ask for....ready to start work next week...a little sore from the poking and prodding...but a happy man...I guess it is true..once a man hits bottom...the only way you can go is up...

Just another Day in Paradise...

So here will be more ramblings and gibberish...just an occasional view at My day...feel free to comment...feel free to just shake your head and throw rotten eggs at Me...