Saturday, January 16, 2010

Boldly going...where few men dare to go...

So here is a question guys...When is the last time you bought a gift for a woman? Ok now I am not JUST talking about a wife or girlfriend...I mean ANY woman..co- worker, friend, friend with benefits (yeah, yeah you don't have one I know...just pretend you do! lol) It doesn't matter who the woman is, if estrogen in way shape or form comes into the equation you are taking your life in your hands! Now granted, whenever a woman is involved whom you have had the pleasure of at any time, past, present or future, of spending anytime of considerable pleasure between their creamy thighs...the risk level goes up exponentially! Oh stop cringing it happens we are adults and by now have figured the best location for certain pleasures so stop acting all offended! LOL Let's face it...when you have "done the deed" you better get certain things right...if you have any intentions of doing the deed again...but then I digress!

So I stopped at Wal-Mart, the place of eternal damnation, to buy a gift for a friend whom I have known for some time, and happens to be one of the very few real life friend I have left. And as I stood in wal mart I began contemplating this whole dangerous endeavor of buying a woman a gift. There are some rules that must not be violated...

(1) Timing is important. Now keep in mind that this was supposed to be a Christmas exchange gift. I have known MJ for a few years now and she is a great person, has two great kids one of which is serving in the military..the other is in college, two very well mannered kids that she has done a great job raising. MJ had bought my Christmas exchange gift and told me to let her know when I had mine o we can exchange them. Yeah...boy did I blow this rule huh? Middle of January? Oh boy. So the timing is very important. You know like when we forget birthdays, valentines days, anniversaries...and boy does the anniversary one get us really bad. Because women not only celebrate the ANNUAL anniversary...it is REALLY bad at the beginning of a relationship...ever had this conversation?

"Baby?" she says in that cutsie voice that makes your heart flip and your dick hard.

"Yes Love?" You say trying to be sweet and romantic and gather up brownie points for that blow job later.

"Do you know what today is?" She says with that Cheshire grin that tells you you are fucked...and not in a good way! Your heart sinks, your palms get sweaty and you try remember, and at this point all hope of the blow job are gone and you jut HOPE you get to sit next to the table at least on the floor!

"Umm...ummm..our anniversary?" First you stuttered totally giving away that you have no clue, then you ended your answer in a question mark tone of voice further confirming her suspicions,(way to go dumb shit) but since you know how women are your guess was a good one. You HOPE she lets you off the hook...but sadly it i not done yet. She COULD just squeal and say "OMG you remembered!" but we all know THAT is not going to happen! Instead she says..."Yes it is...which one?" And you know you are in the shitter! You finally lean in and kiss her and say. "I am not sure but it has been great!" Hoping you survive the withering glance you are about to get! And then she says, "It is our third month and three week anniversary! How could you forget???" LOL How could I forget????? You are lucky I remember the 15th of March of every year! lol

(2) WHAT you get is EQUALLY important. Now my friend Leslee over at Waiting for the Click one of the blogs I follow is a pretty understanding gal when it comes to us men and the gifts we buy, but lets face it...there are some pretty firm rules about what you don't buy as gifts. (a) Never buy lingerie...that is a gift that is more for you and shows what you have in mind you filthy male pig! (b) Never buy household items...you know..blenders, vacuum cleaners, can openers, etc. this is usually accompanied by some remark about you being a sexist pig and "do you think that that is all I am good for????" (c) Never buy clothes. Now women like clothes, lingerie and household stuff...but those are necessities that you are supposed to buy anyway dammit!

Now when it comes to buying clothes, this is one you can get away with mot of the times. It is the path to getting it that becomes tricky! So I am standing in wal mart and looking at these Georgia Bulldogs, University of Georgia t-shirts and I know she would love them because she is a big Dawgs fan. Then comes to picking out one...and the tricky question of size. See this is a very delicate issue to deal with. If you go too small it is a problem, if you go too large it is a problem as well. Note the following conversations:

Example 1: You buy it too small...

"Did you get this for me or your girlfriend?" "You don't like how I am? Are you hinting that I need to lose weight? You don't like my boobs so big?" Yeah it gets pretty bad from there...

Example 2: You buy it too big...

"Did you buy this for ME and the REST OF THIS FUCKING TOWN???" "Do you seriously think I am THAT fat?!?" "You aren't so slim jim yourself there buddy!" Yeah...this is not good either...

Damned if we do...damned if we don't!

So I decided to take the chance and call...yeah so...I am at wal mart was looking at some t shirts and thought I would get ya one...what size should I get? So this plan has some pitfalls to it as well...IF you are in an intimate relationship, fucker you are supposed to KNOW this shit! Me I can't make sense of women's clothing...all I know is if it has more letter digits deeper into the alphabet that means thing are getting bigger...that is all I know...Fortunately MJ is not offended and tells me, but the pitfall are still too dangerous...so I opt for something safe...a purse...and hope to gawd she doesn't have it all ready! LOL

In conclusion allow me to add that the true proof that MJ i a great person and awesome friend is that she has a GREAT sense of humor....and even more so...tolerates MY weird ass sense of humor! I salute you MJ My friend! (and I really do have that gift this time I swear it!)

1 comments:

Mandy said...

ROFLMAO...too funny...jewelry is always a good way to go...doesn't even have to be expensive, of course I am rare, I don't care if it's expensive, came from the pawn shop or is CZ...just don't tell me and let me believe what I want to!

Of course Spa gift certificates are my favorite thing to get! Just in case we ever become really good "real life" friends...lol! :)

 

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