Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I miss you a little....

There is a demon of sorts in each of us. It is something we dont know how to deal with and for lack of a better plan we just lock it in a closet in the back of our heart. Every now and then that demon gets out...and we have to fight it...and because we don't know how to exorcise that demon all we can do is battle it back into that closet and lock it up till next time. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing, it is what it is though.

For me that demon is a loss that occurred nine year ago. A loss I rarely discuss...once's that demon, better left in the closet. That loss was my daughter, Jacqueline Faith. She was a beautiful little thing with a wild head of hair. Long fingers...I always thought she would have been a piano player. She was taken too soon. She was two months old and died of viral pneumonia.

I have often tried to determine if it was the fact that I wasn't here when she died, or the fact that she died that has hit me the most. I know death happens...there is no stopping it or explaining it. You just deal with it. But to not have been there when she died, not been able to say goodbye, I feel like I failed by not being there I let her down.

It was this loss, coupled by the fact that I was in NC trying to start a church instead of by her side where I started a bitterness against faith and religion. It gave me the excuse to start questioning things. Once I started questioning things, my logical nature took over and I came to the realization that emotional response to a tragedy is not a reason to question ideals. I carefully examined what I had always believed, not from bitterness but from a logical standpoint. But all that is another story for another time.

So anyway...what brings all this up? What brought the demon out of the closet? I had been training for this new job for three weeks. I did two weeks in the adult ER at the hospital then a week of clasroom training. This week I was sent to the area I would be working at, the children's clinic and the children's ER. And it was monday night, stnding in the ER that the dots connected....Jackie died here. I don't know why I hadnt made the connection. I had been training to work there for three weeks but didnt make the connection till I was standing there. It hit me like a mack truck and I have been struggling with it now for a couple of days.

So this morning I thought on a song that always made me think of is on this blog today...and I sit here like an idiot, crying like an idiot...the demon for now running rampant... doll...daddy is sorry he wasn't there...but I want you to know I love you and I miss you...a little too much, a little too often, a little more every day....


Christina said...

And the moment of clarity...a new page is turned, clean and clear and ready to be written on. I hope she inspires you always. ~C~


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