Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The meaning of life..for Me....

What is life all about anyway? Yeah I know ... a deep question for a small mind. But seriously...philosphers have asked for centuries what is the meaning of life. And in truth I think the answer is subjective. I do not believe in an all powerful being that gives life and takes it away in some silly arbitrary decision. I do not believe in destiny and fate...I believe life is..and shit happens.

So if the meaning of life is subjective...then each of us find that one thing that is the center of our the magical "thing" that gives life...OUR life meaning. It may be an ideal, a faith, a person, a possession...something that just gives meaning to life for us.

For would have to be My daughter. I have often said that she is the axis on which My world spins. Five years old and full of piss and vinegar, she is a handful...but she is what I wake up for every day. She is the guiding light in my life. Yes I love all my children equally...I do not love one more than the other...but the other two I only get during the summer...and while I love them...I dont have the relationship with them that I wish I had.

My babygirl is different. She has been with me day in and day out. When her mom left it was and has been me and her. I learned to be a parent with her. And I guess that is part of what scares me about the situation that happened in Kansas...I put her in danger, in harm's way. Not necessarily physical much as emotional.

She hungers for a very much. She wants that magical relationship of a mother/daughter...and I put her in a situation where she thought she might have it, but didnt. Thankfully it doesnt seem to have affected her much, for which I am very grateful...but it could have...and it woke me to the reality of how my decisions affect her. Is scary really...part of growing up I guess...

She is such a silly as a tack too! Today she got all smart with granny and boy did she pay for it! lol I remember those days! She played in the tub forever tonight! didnt want to get out and just singing at the top of her lungs...what she was singing I have no clue since apparantly she was making it up as she went. Then she went to bed...and I went in and checked on her and she is so innocent...

"I wish I could save these moments and put them in a jar...I wish I could stop the world from turning keep things just the way they are. I wish I could shelter you from everything no good and sweet and pure...I know I cant...I know I cant...but I wish I could." -Song by Colling Raye-

That is what life, for Me, is all about.



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