Saturday, February 13, 2010

My Journey (Part VI): Anger...

It was at this point in my life I began doing some really stupid things I am truly ashamed of. Things I would have never done otherwise. I let all the anger and hurt explode. I became a total idiot for a few years. I walked out of my church on a Wednesday night after resigning my pulpit. I tried resigning my membership of the church, but did you know that church is one of those things you don't resign your membership? You either are kicked out or move it to another church of like faith. You don't resign. So I (like the idiot I was quickly becoming) decided, I can get you to kick me out!

I began by moving about a thirty minute drive to Lafayette. Now you just don't understand Lafayette. That little one bedroom house was the only place I have ever lived that when the night came, there was no street lights, there was nothing but the stars and the moon. It was pitch black at night. I moved away from everybody. I was like a hurt tiger. I had just asked my wife for a divorce after finding from different people about times they had seen her with different men. I knew for a fact she had cheated on me. And also knew she had crossed some line that should never be crossed. I demanded a divorce from her. I was broken...or so I thought. I just wanted to be alone and be left alone.

I started drinking, not heavy, just enough to be breaking the church covenant. Then, enter left stage, my second wife. I met her on yahoo...nice huh? She was coming to the states for a visit and I was one of several stops she had planned...geez why wasn't I paying attention? She came and from day one the intention was to piss my ex off. In retrospect I can admit that it was also part of my mission to get myself kicked out of church.

I look back and think how utterly stupid I was. I was upset when everybody pushed me away, but in many ways it was me pushing them away. I was doing everything I could to get myself kicked out of church, then got upset when they did. But then, who is rational during anger that deep. I remember standing out on the porch of that remote little one bedroom house and screaming at the heaven's shaking my fist, shooting a bird at God and venting all the hate, hurt and bitterness.

Was the beginning of this journey out of anger? Yes. Did I reject god out of anger? At first yes. My second marriage ended no better than it started. We were complete opposites in everything and completely incompatible. We got married because she got pregnant almost immediately. I have often felt she was just looking for somebody to sucker in and eventually get her papers. Well she got lucky at the very first shot, unfortunately for her she got stuck with a poor shmuck. I didn't have the money to get her her papers. About 3-4 weeks after she arrived she was pregnant.

Once it was decided she was staying for the pregnancy we eventually got married, for the baby. On our way to the Justice of the Peace I told her flat out I didn't love her but was doing this because I would not leave her with the burden of my child by herself. I have always felt that it is a sorry dog that will stay for the fun and run when the consequences come up. Well, as you might imagine things did not go well. By mutual decision we decided to have an open relationship. What this meant was that we could see who we wanted to and sleep with whomever we wanted to as long as the other party knew about it. Are you surprised this did not work out? In all fairness to her, I was being a total shmuck and douche bag. I never ever hit her. EVER. I believe a man that beats a woman is lower than whale shit. But I didn't treat her right, we both failed to treat each other right and the marriage was doomed from the start.

It was around this time I had a life changing discovery..and it began phase two...



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