Friday, February 12, 2010

My Journey (Part V): The pain of loss...

Have you ever gotten that call? That call that totally changes your life? Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is bad. For me it was horrible. I was in North Carolina, I had spent the morning studying and I decided I needed a break. So I got up and went into town to get something to eat and grab a movie...a matinee. By this time I had become a little bit more liberal than my parents had been, and would occasionally go to watch a movie, careful of course with content. Unbeknownst to me, all morning they spent trying to get in touch with me. I missed all the calls. When I got back to my room I answered the phone and my ex answered with the words...”she's gone, Jackie's gone.”

I do not remember much of that conversation...I do remember I put a hole through the sheet rock wall of my friend's house. My friend Rob, drove me to Georgia. I do not remember anything of that trip. What I remember of the next few days I am not comfortable talking about. I cannot describe the pain of that loss. Jacqueline Faith passed away in September of 2000 with a viral pneumonia, at the age of 2 months old. Words cannot describe that week in my life. I felt guilty. So guilty. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. My upbringing came back to haunt me. I was in a movie theater when she died. Something that a pastor's wife was very quick to point out.

Of all the things that happened that week, I remember sitting in my parent's restroom on the edge of the tub. I looked at my mom and asked, How could God allow this? I remember specifically the question I asked that burned in my mind, and really was the beginning of the end for me, If I can't trust God to take care of my family when I am off doing his work..then who can I trust?

That week I heard all the platitudes that eventually turned me bitter. God knows what He is doing (then why can't he clue me in on it?) She is in a better place (what place could possible be better than her parents arms?) Everything happens for a reason (what possible reason could there be for the death of a two month old baby) Trust me, I heard them all.

We continued with plans to move to North Carolina when in retrospect I should have called everything off and spent the proper time grieving. But I went on with it. We moved to NC and tried to pretend like nothing happened. But it did. And the damage had been done. Bitterness began to settle in. Me and my wife grew apart from each other. This is common I know...but no less significant. For reasons I do not wish to discuss here I did not trust her enough to confide in her. She wanted group therapy and I am a very introvert person and I ended up closing myself off from everybody. The church suffered. The pastor that was supposed to be helping us was a judgmental prick. His wife to this day represents everything I have come to hate about church. Things were said that I am not proud of. The pastor threatened to ruin my dad's ministry if I didn't shut up.

In the end the move to NC was one of the worst decision of my life. I ended up resigning as a missionary citing emotional loss and went back to Georgia with my tail tucked in. I arrived in Georgia and began helping with a Spanish church there. I became assistant pastor and by age 26 I was pastor of the church.

My reset button had kicked in. I was accepting things by faith, and the questions I could not answered I purposely pushed aside. But the seeds of doubt were there. My marriage continued to deteriorate. My wife became hooked on the internet. Finally things began coming up and I discovered she was cheating on me. This was the final straw. We separated. I resigned my church. And it was here I began the true search for the truth. It came in two phases for me...of course...this is another post...


SS said...

Half way through - can't wait for more
i know you are sick but i hope youll keep on writing soon


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