A little over a year ago I was asked to explain what led me to go from being a Pastor and Theology teacher in a Bible Institute to an atheist. I wrote several posts (about 10-11 to be exact) to share my experiences. This is a compilation of those posts so if they are a little disjointed that is why. I have been thinking a lot about this in the last few days and I thought I would like to re-post this to put it all in one post...
I have never sat down to put in words the path that led me
from a very old fashion, heavily indoctrinated religious background to atheism.
It was not purely an emotional decision or choice. It was a long journey, one
that frankly I am still traveling. It has been a process of several years of
questioning. Any journey of ideals should be one of questioning. Regardless of
your belief system you should never be afraid to question it. If your system of
belief cannot stand up to questions then it is time to find a new system of
beliefs.
I had never really discussed what I am about to discuss. I am very private in my ideas and thoughts about religion. I am not out to convert people to atheism. First, atheism is not a religion so you cannot convert people to it. Second, atheism is about reason and logic...unfortunately you cannot convert people to these ideals, they have to choose them on their own. Third, faith is essential to the make up of many people, to take away their faith is to kick their feet out from under them. I see faith and religion as harmless concepts in and of themselves, as long as you don't use your faith and religion to attack other people or degrade them, which sadly, is too often the case.
So why write this now? My fellow blogger and twitter friend, @lesleehorner appears to have a veritable voracious hunger for knowledge! She has mentioned several times that she would like to hear what would lead a person to go from pastor to atheist. I have had many friends and acquaintances ask me the same question. So I decided to put it down, for the record, sorta speak. So here it goes Leslee. This is not an easy story to tell...nor is it short...so I will break it up in pieces, so please be patient with me. Also to those that would like to know more about me, this is kind of a real inside view of my life and my thoughts and the person I am beyond the facade.
When I started out the new year I made a resolution that I would blog more and take my blog less serious. Well this will help the first part of that New year's resolution, but the second part? Well, not so much. I typically do not post more than one blog a day, however, while doing this series of blogs I may drop some humorous ones along the way so as not to be so serious I bore you to death!
I will add before I go any further that this applies to me. I do not hold anybody to the same standards I hold myself. I also want to make it clear that I love and respect and admire my parents. Do not twist this as an attack on them. One of the things that has angered me more than anything, since I have reached this point in my life, are the people that want to trivialize the very ordered and conscientious thought process that led me to being an atheist by discarding and disregarding it as a mere “rebellion” against my parents and everything that I was raised in. I am 33 years old, have been to hell and back (figuratively speaking) and am way beyond the “rebellious” stage in my life.
For those that may come to my blog and read this: I am not attacking your faith. I respect your right to faith. I even respect the fact that you can go beyond logic and reason, suspend all questions, and accept something with blind faith. There are even times I envy you. I will not disrespect you and I ask you do the same. I am well aware of what your Bible says, “The fool hath said in his heart there is no God.” There I said it for you.
To those I love that may find this blog, or worse, be directed here by some inconsiderate troublemaker trying to turn those I love against me...I am sorry if I offend you...this is my journey...and is in no way intended as an affront to you or what you believe.
Having said that I think the best place to start is at the beginning...
I had never really discussed what I am about to discuss. I am very private in my ideas and thoughts about religion. I am not out to convert people to atheism. First, atheism is not a religion so you cannot convert people to it. Second, atheism is about reason and logic...unfortunately you cannot convert people to these ideals, they have to choose them on their own. Third, faith is essential to the make up of many people, to take away their faith is to kick their feet out from under them. I see faith and religion as harmless concepts in and of themselves, as long as you don't use your faith and religion to attack other people or degrade them, which sadly, is too often the case.
So why write this now? My fellow blogger and twitter friend, @lesleehorner appears to have a veritable voracious hunger for knowledge! She has mentioned several times that she would like to hear what would lead a person to go from pastor to atheist. I have had many friends and acquaintances ask me the same question. So I decided to put it down, for the record, sorta speak. So here it goes Leslee. This is not an easy story to tell...nor is it short...so I will break it up in pieces, so please be patient with me. Also to those that would like to know more about me, this is kind of a real inside view of my life and my thoughts and the person I am beyond the facade.
When I started out the new year I made a resolution that I would blog more and take my blog less serious. Well this will help the first part of that New year's resolution, but the second part? Well, not so much. I typically do not post more than one blog a day, however, while doing this series of blogs I may drop some humorous ones along the way so as not to be so serious I bore you to death!
I will add before I go any further that this applies to me. I do not hold anybody to the same standards I hold myself. I also want to make it clear that I love and respect and admire my parents. Do not twist this as an attack on them. One of the things that has angered me more than anything, since I have reached this point in my life, are the people that want to trivialize the very ordered and conscientious thought process that led me to being an atheist by discarding and disregarding it as a mere “rebellion” against my parents and everything that I was raised in. I am 33 years old, have been to hell and back (figuratively speaking) and am way beyond the “rebellious” stage in my life.
For those that may come to my blog and read this: I am not attacking your faith. I respect your right to faith. I even respect the fact that you can go beyond logic and reason, suspend all questions, and accept something with blind faith. There are even times I envy you. I will not disrespect you and I ask you do the same. I am well aware of what your Bible says, “The fool hath said in his heart there is no God.” There I said it for you.
To those I love that may find this blog, or worse, be directed here by some inconsiderate troublemaker trying to turn those I love against me...I am sorry if I offend you...this is my journey...and is in no way intended as an affront to you or what you believe.
Having said that I think the best place to start is at the beginning...
I was born into a military family. My dad was a sergeant in
the U.S. Army. I was born in Ft. Ord, California. I have no recollection of any
time before my parents were in church, as my dad got “born again” when I was
only five and I lack that phenomenal memory some have of when they were two
crawling on all fours and shitting their diapers! I am told my dad was a drunk,
dope head womanizer before he got “saved”. While stationed in Germany a
missionary came by our house and invited my mom, who went to church and then
got my dad to go to church and the rest is predictably history.
A few months later my dad began preaching. He got orders to a base in the State of Washington. We went to a church there till my dad got done with his tour in the military and we moved to Resaca, Georgia, a small town in NW Georgia where the Faith Baptist Camp is located. A little about FBC. FBC is a campground where they have “camp meeting” 3 times a year. Camp meeting involves a five day meeting where there are services three times a day. An enormous amount of preaching. That is all there is for five full days. If the words “fire and brimstone” mean ANYTHING to you, this is the place for it. If you are a right wing religious fanatic...this is the place for you!
Here is where the majority of my childhood took place. My dad became a missionary and we lived on and off in Puerto Rico for ten years, alternating between the mission field and the campground. My intense indoctrination came from this period of my life. Ten years...8-18. At age 11 I saw a movie entitled “Thief in the Night”. In this movie the “rapture” is depicted followed by the tribulation in which all kinds of horrid things happen to those that did not go in the rapture ending in a horrible death for the ones that choose to follow Christ and reject the Anti-Christ. Basically...a scare tactic. An effective one I might add as I got “saved” that night after watching it. A couple of years later, at age 13, I surrendered to preach and began my training for the ministry.
I was naturally drawn to preaching. Public speaking was a strong suite for me, always has been. I studied hard, memorized a lot and knew all the right answers to the questions. I have a bit of a dominant personality and used to be a real people person so it was a natural fit. I never questioned what I was being taught. I just followed. From a young age I was taught in true military fashion that when told something by your elders your response is, 'Yes Sir” or “Yes Ma'am”.
During this time in my life there were several people that played a big part in my life. Some I have grown to detest and distance my self from. Others I still respect deeply. Dr. Sammy Allen was my pastor and one of the most honest and gentlest men I have ever known. In all my years in church, he is the one and only person I have EVER met that I have never heard him say a single negative thing about anybody, even those that were attacking him. If you tried to talk to him about somebody he would respond, “well we need to pray for them”. He is the one person I could never question his sincerity. Others I still respect are men like Lance Carpenter and Rufus Edminston. My biggest regret is the hero like worship I had for a man known as Phil Kidd. He personifies the hate that permeates the religious movement in this country. When I first saw him, that very first night he preached at Faith Baptist Camp. I admired him so much. Something that now...years later..I am completely ashamed about.
Most of my ideology at this point of my life was set by my surroundings. It is how it works for all of us. I was very very anti gay. I marched in Ashville, NC in a march against gay rights. I was very anti abortion. I spouted the mindless hate of those I considered my heroes. Slogans like “Stop burning flags and start burning fags”, “Adam and Eve were created, Adam and Steve will be cremated”. Stuff I look back now and wonder how I possibly justified it. I cant even justify it now as I look back on it. Not even “upbringing” and “circumstances” justifies that kind of stupidity. I just blame it on the ignorance of youth and the passions that conservative religion brings out in a person.
We were in PR when I turned 18 in September of 1994 and I left home in November and returned to Faith Baptist Camp to attend Faith Baptist Institute. And I began my official training for the ministry.....but that is part of my next post....
A few months later my dad began preaching. He got orders to a base in the State of Washington. We went to a church there till my dad got done with his tour in the military and we moved to Resaca, Georgia, a small town in NW Georgia where the Faith Baptist Camp is located. A little about FBC. FBC is a campground where they have “camp meeting” 3 times a year. Camp meeting involves a five day meeting where there are services three times a day. An enormous amount of preaching. That is all there is for five full days. If the words “fire and brimstone” mean ANYTHING to you, this is the place for it. If you are a right wing religious fanatic...this is the place for you!
Here is where the majority of my childhood took place. My dad became a missionary and we lived on and off in Puerto Rico for ten years, alternating between the mission field and the campground. My intense indoctrination came from this period of my life. Ten years...8-18. At age 11 I saw a movie entitled “Thief in the Night”. In this movie the “rapture” is depicted followed by the tribulation in which all kinds of horrid things happen to those that did not go in the rapture ending in a horrible death for the ones that choose to follow Christ and reject the Anti-Christ. Basically...a scare tactic. An effective one I might add as I got “saved” that night after watching it. A couple of years later, at age 13, I surrendered to preach and began my training for the ministry.
I was naturally drawn to preaching. Public speaking was a strong suite for me, always has been. I studied hard, memorized a lot and knew all the right answers to the questions. I have a bit of a dominant personality and used to be a real people person so it was a natural fit. I never questioned what I was being taught. I just followed. From a young age I was taught in true military fashion that when told something by your elders your response is, 'Yes Sir” or “Yes Ma'am”.
During this time in my life there were several people that played a big part in my life. Some I have grown to detest and distance my self from. Others I still respect deeply. Dr. Sammy Allen was my pastor and one of the most honest and gentlest men I have ever known. In all my years in church, he is the one and only person I have EVER met that I have never heard him say a single negative thing about anybody, even those that were attacking him. If you tried to talk to him about somebody he would respond, “well we need to pray for them”. He is the one person I could never question his sincerity. Others I still respect are men like Lance Carpenter and Rufus Edminston. My biggest regret is the hero like worship I had for a man known as Phil Kidd. He personifies the hate that permeates the religious movement in this country. When I first saw him, that very first night he preached at Faith Baptist Camp. I admired him so much. Something that now...years later..I am completely ashamed about.
Most of my ideology at this point of my life was set by my surroundings. It is how it works for all of us. I was very very anti gay. I marched in Ashville, NC in a march against gay rights. I was very anti abortion. I spouted the mindless hate of those I considered my heroes. Slogans like “Stop burning flags and start burning fags”, “Adam and Eve were created, Adam and Steve will be cremated”. Stuff I look back now and wonder how I possibly justified it. I cant even justify it now as I look back on it. Not even “upbringing” and “circumstances” justifies that kind of stupidity. I just blame it on the ignorance of youth and the passions that conservative religion brings out in a person.
We were in PR when I turned 18 in September of 1994 and I left home in November and returned to Faith Baptist Camp to attend Faith Baptist Institute. And I began my official training for the ministry.....but that is part of my next post....
Faith is a reset button. I know this sounds like an odd
statement but hear me out. Logic and reason is in all of us. We ALL question
our faith from one time to another. Some of us may even question our faith very
hard. These questions are good and healthy. They push to an edge. A point where
logic and reason almost push us over the line into unbelief. That is where
faith comes in. Faith is that reset button that says, I don't understand and I
can't explain but I accept it by faith.
I started Bible Institute in 1994 and stayed there for a year. It was at this point in life that I actually hit that “rebellious” stage. I had been raised in a very closed and sheltered environment. At age 18 I had spent the night at somebody's house without my parents only one time...and that was because my mom was in the hospital and dad was with her. I didn't have any friends except for my brother. It is why, even to this day, even though he and I are so polar opposites it seems on everything, he is still my very best friend.
I began questioning even at this point in my life, though at that time it was not really questioning my faith as much as just how I am and how I think. I studied everything from the opposing view. I wanted to be able to answer the questions an opponent might ask. For example, if I wanted to refute the subject of speaking in tongues, I would study it by refuting the questions and statements I would be confronted with. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I remember the first time I got into trouble for this approach. I was in a class on the book of Hebrews. And we had reached the verse where it says that we have not a high priest that cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities, but was tempted in all points like as we are, yet without sin. His verse I, of course, of course referring to Jesus and teaches that Jesus understands what we go through because he was tempted in all things like as we are, but he didn't sin. It was at this point that the professor taught us an essential part of christian faith. Jesus could not have sinned. Not that he did not, but rather he could not...a very fine line but significant. The argument is that the god nature in him would not allow him to sin. In short, he was incapable of sin. Well, here is where I got in trouble. I dared ask the question...how could he empathize with us and our temptations if he was incapable of sinning? If you are incapable of sinning then you are incapable of being tempted and if you are incapable of being tempted then you cannot empathize with somebody that can be tempted.
It was here I learned a couple of lessons about fundamentalists. First, when confronted with a sound argument they cannot answer they become very agitated and angry. It is a natural reaction to being cornered. It is called being defensive. The anger and threats that result are not natural. It is here where I first heard words like heresy and the threat of being rejected by God for questioning his word. The second lesson I learned is that, when confronted with an argument they cannot answer the inevitable answer is faith. I believe now in retrospect, that it was that night, after class, when I was called aside by one of the other students in the class and warned to tone it down in class or I would get expelled and that I needed to learn some things do not have an answer and have to be accepted by faith, I believe it was that night that my journey began.
I am reminded of an Old testament story. The story of Gideon. In this story Gideon questions God and God didn't kill him for it. God then sends Gideon to destroy the altar of Baal. When the mend of the city see what he has done they call for his death. Gideon's father then says, if Baal is a god let him defend himself. I have often thought of this. If God is real, then why can't he defend himself. Why do church people have to be so mean and ugly about it?
As I mentioned, I grew up in a very sheltered environment. I had never worked a job, even part time. Had no concept of money. I was not allowed to listen to contemporary christian music, much less non christian. We had no TV and never ever went to the movies. When I left home, though I had the best of intentions, it wasn't long before I got a lot of temptation I had never faced. It was here I hit that rebellious stage I mentioned in part 1. I began listening to country music (gasp), going to the movies...started making friends that were not in church. Went to a couple of bars, smoked....typical little rebellious things youth do.
My pastor asked me to go with him to a meeting he was preaching in Michigan, so I did...and it was there I met my first wife....but that would be part of the next post....
I started Bible Institute in 1994 and stayed there for a year. It was at this point in life that I actually hit that “rebellious” stage. I had been raised in a very closed and sheltered environment. At age 18 I had spent the night at somebody's house without my parents only one time...and that was because my mom was in the hospital and dad was with her. I didn't have any friends except for my brother. It is why, even to this day, even though he and I are so polar opposites it seems on everything, he is still my very best friend.
I began questioning even at this point in my life, though at that time it was not really questioning my faith as much as just how I am and how I think. I studied everything from the opposing view. I wanted to be able to answer the questions an opponent might ask. For example, if I wanted to refute the subject of speaking in tongues, I would study it by refuting the questions and statements I would be confronted with. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I remember the first time I got into trouble for this approach. I was in a class on the book of Hebrews. And we had reached the verse where it says that we have not a high priest that cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities, but was tempted in all points like as we are, yet without sin. His verse I, of course, of course referring to Jesus and teaches that Jesus understands what we go through because he was tempted in all things like as we are, but he didn't sin. It was at this point that the professor taught us an essential part of christian faith. Jesus could not have sinned. Not that he did not, but rather he could not...a very fine line but significant. The argument is that the god nature in him would not allow him to sin. In short, he was incapable of sin. Well, here is where I got in trouble. I dared ask the question...how could he empathize with us and our temptations if he was incapable of sinning? If you are incapable of sinning then you are incapable of being tempted and if you are incapable of being tempted then you cannot empathize with somebody that can be tempted.
It was here I learned a couple of lessons about fundamentalists. First, when confronted with a sound argument they cannot answer they become very agitated and angry. It is a natural reaction to being cornered. It is called being defensive. The anger and threats that result are not natural. It is here where I first heard words like heresy and the threat of being rejected by God for questioning his word. The second lesson I learned is that, when confronted with an argument they cannot answer the inevitable answer is faith. I believe now in retrospect, that it was that night, after class, when I was called aside by one of the other students in the class and warned to tone it down in class or I would get expelled and that I needed to learn some things do not have an answer and have to be accepted by faith, I believe it was that night that my journey began.
I am reminded of an Old testament story. The story of Gideon. In this story Gideon questions God and God didn't kill him for it. God then sends Gideon to destroy the altar of Baal. When the mend of the city see what he has done they call for his death. Gideon's father then says, if Baal is a god let him defend himself. I have often thought of this. If God is real, then why can't he defend himself. Why do church people have to be so mean and ugly about it?
As I mentioned, I grew up in a very sheltered environment. I had never worked a job, even part time. Had no concept of money. I was not allowed to listen to contemporary christian music, much less non christian. We had no TV and never ever went to the movies. When I left home, though I had the best of intentions, it wasn't long before I got a lot of temptation I had never faced. It was here I hit that rebellious stage I mentioned in part 1. I began listening to country music (gasp), going to the movies...started making friends that were not in church. Went to a couple of bars, smoked....typical little rebellious things youth do.
My pastor asked me to go with him to a meeting he was preaching in Michigan, so I did...and it was there I met my first wife....but that would be part of the next post....
So my Pastor invited me to go with him to Michigan to a
meeting he was preaching in Lansing. I went to help drive, get stuff for him,
basically help him out. He never traveled alone so nobody could say he was
doing something he should not be doing. While there I met my first wife. Now understand.
I am Hispanic growing up in the south. Every girl I had tried dating would
tease me and lead me along and then pop the, well daddy wouldn't let us
date...story. So here was a girl that looked beyond my Hispanic name and saw
me...I was immediately in love.
In true keeping with the impetuousness of youth I moved to Michigan a week later, asked her dad if I could court her a week later and was married six months later. What can I say? I was hooked...completely. We got married and settled down to, what I hoped, a long life together. I won't go into a lot of details about my marriage, this series is not about dwelling on the bitterness of my marriage and how it ended...all though that is down the road a piece anyway.
About four to five months after we got married we moved to Georgia, back in the town where I grew up, in the same church, in the same crowd. My “search” was on stand still as we worked on building a life and I wasn't really questioning anything. I was indeed living by faith at this point in my life. We moved to Tilton, Georgia and joined the Tilton Baptist Church. My daughter, Rebekah Jewel, was born about 10 months after we were married and about 10 months later my son was born.
I became an active member at Tilton Baptist Church. I was helping direct the music, playing guitar and preaching whenever the pastor needed me to. I look back and the doubts were gone during this time. I was probably more happy in my life during this time than any other time before or after. But then if ignorance is bliss...well you figure it out.
I surrendered to be a missionary to the Hispanic people in the USA. I was going to do what my dad did, start churches and turn them over to pastors. I began what is known in independent Baptist churches as deputation. Basically I spent a lot of time on the phone, planning and scheduling meetings at churches to go tell them what we are going to be doing. The idea is that, as opposed to the Southern Baptists and most other denominations that support their missionaries full time, the independent Baptists piecemeal a living together by different churches sending a little bit of money. So these churches support their missionaries with 20.00, 25.00, 50.00, etc. and it all adds up to whatever the missionary needs to survive so he can work full time starting these churches. Deputation typically will take 2-3 years since obviously it takes a lot of 25.00s to add up to an income.
During this time I began planning to move to North Carolina to start a Spanish church in the Charlotte area. My wife was expecting our third child and I was anxious to get started doing the “Lord's work”. Now keep in mind I was still at this point in my life where I was not questioning. I was preaching and teaching. I was actually teaching in a Spanish Bible Institute. Teaching advanced subjects like theology, homiletic s and hermeneutics. I was training young men and women for the ministry. I was preaching meetings around the southeast of the US. I had been to Monterrey Mexico to preach a youth rally and been to New York City to preach a youth meeting. Most would have said I had a very promising ministry ahead.
Our third child was born....and little did I know that my life was about to change....
In true keeping with the impetuousness of youth I moved to Michigan a week later, asked her dad if I could court her a week later and was married six months later. What can I say? I was hooked...completely. We got married and settled down to, what I hoped, a long life together. I won't go into a lot of details about my marriage, this series is not about dwelling on the bitterness of my marriage and how it ended...all though that is down the road a piece anyway.
About four to five months after we got married we moved to Georgia, back in the town where I grew up, in the same church, in the same crowd. My “search” was on stand still as we worked on building a life and I wasn't really questioning anything. I was indeed living by faith at this point in my life. We moved to Tilton, Georgia and joined the Tilton Baptist Church. My daughter, Rebekah Jewel, was born about 10 months after we were married and about 10 months later my son was born.
I became an active member at Tilton Baptist Church. I was helping direct the music, playing guitar and preaching whenever the pastor needed me to. I look back and the doubts were gone during this time. I was probably more happy in my life during this time than any other time before or after. But then if ignorance is bliss...well you figure it out.
I surrendered to be a missionary to the Hispanic people in the USA. I was going to do what my dad did, start churches and turn them over to pastors. I began what is known in independent Baptist churches as deputation. Basically I spent a lot of time on the phone, planning and scheduling meetings at churches to go tell them what we are going to be doing. The idea is that, as opposed to the Southern Baptists and most other denominations that support their missionaries full time, the independent Baptists piecemeal a living together by different churches sending a little bit of money. So these churches support their missionaries with 20.00, 25.00, 50.00, etc. and it all adds up to whatever the missionary needs to survive so he can work full time starting these churches. Deputation typically will take 2-3 years since obviously it takes a lot of 25.00s to add up to an income.
During this time I began planning to move to North Carolina to start a Spanish church in the Charlotte area. My wife was expecting our third child and I was anxious to get started doing the “Lord's work”. Now keep in mind I was still at this point in my life where I was not questioning. I was preaching and teaching. I was actually teaching in a Spanish Bible Institute. Teaching advanced subjects like theology, homiletic s and hermeneutics. I was training young men and women for the ministry. I was preaching meetings around the southeast of the US. I had been to Monterrey Mexico to preach a youth rally and been to New York City to preach a youth meeting. Most would have said I had a very promising ministry ahead.
Our third child was born....and little did I know that my life was about to change....
Have you ever gotten that call? That call that totally
changes your life? Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is bad. For me it was
horrible. I was in North Carolina, I had spent the morning studying and I decided
I needed a break. So I got up and went into town to get something to eat and
grab a movie...a matinee. By this time I had become a little bit more liberal
than my parents had been, and would occasionally go to watch a movie, careful
of course with content. Unbeknownst to me, all morning they spent trying to get
in touch with me. I missed all the calls. When I got back to my room I answered
the phone and my ex answered with the words...”she's gone, Jackie's gone.”
I do not remember much of that conversation...I do remember I put a hole through the sheet rock wall of my friend's house. My friend Rob, drove me to Georgia. I do not remember anything of that trip. What I remember of the next few days I am not comfortable talking about. I cannot describe the pain of that loss. Jacqueline Faith passed away in September of 2000 with a viral pneumonia, at the age of 2 months old. Words cannot describe that week in my life. I felt guilty. So guilty. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. My upbringing came back to haunt me. I was in a movie theater when she died. Something that a pastor's wife was very quick to point out.
Of all the things that happened that week, I remember sitting in my parent's restroom on the edge of the tub. I looked at my mom and asked, How could God allow this? I remember specifically the question I asked that burned in my mind, and really was the beginning of the end for me, If I can't trust God to take care of my family when I am off doing his work..then who can I trust?
That week I heard all the platitudes that eventually turned me bitter. God knows what He is doing (then why can't he clue me in on it?) She is in a better place (what place could possible be better than her parents arms?) Everything happens for a reason (what possible reason could there be for the death of a two month old baby) Trust me, I heard them all.
We continued with plans to move to North Carolina when in retrospect I should have called everything off and spent the proper time grieving. But I went on with it. We moved to NC and tried to pretend like nothing happened. But it did. And the damage had been done. Bitterness began to settle in. Me and my wife grew apart from each other. This is common I know...but no less significant. For reasons I do not wish to discuss here I did not trust her enough to confide in her. She wanted group therapy and I am a very introvert person and I ended up closing myself off from everybody. The church suffered. The pastor that was supposed to be helping us was a judgmental prick. His wife to this day represents everything I have come to hate about church. Things were said that I am not proud of. The pastor threatened to ruin my dad's ministry if I didn't shut up.
In the end the move to NC was one of the worst decision of my life. I ended up resigning as a missionary citing emotional loss and went back to Georgia with my tail tucked in. I arrived in Georgia and began helping with a Spanish church there. I became assistant pastor and by age 26 I was pastor of the church.
My reset button had kicked in. I was accepting things by faith, and the questions I could not answered I purposely pushed aside. But the seeds of doubt were there. My marriage continued to deteriorate. My wife became hooked on the internet. Finally things began coming up and I discovered she was cheating on me. This was the final straw. We separated. I resigned my church. And it was here I began the true search for the truth. It came in two phases for me...of course...this is another post...
I do not remember much of that conversation...I do remember I put a hole through the sheet rock wall of my friend's house. My friend Rob, drove me to Georgia. I do not remember anything of that trip. What I remember of the next few days I am not comfortable talking about. I cannot describe the pain of that loss. Jacqueline Faith passed away in September of 2000 with a viral pneumonia, at the age of 2 months old. Words cannot describe that week in my life. I felt guilty. So guilty. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. My upbringing came back to haunt me. I was in a movie theater when she died. Something that a pastor's wife was very quick to point out.
Of all the things that happened that week, I remember sitting in my parent's restroom on the edge of the tub. I looked at my mom and asked, How could God allow this? I remember specifically the question I asked that burned in my mind, and really was the beginning of the end for me, If I can't trust God to take care of my family when I am off doing his work..then who can I trust?
That week I heard all the platitudes that eventually turned me bitter. God knows what He is doing (then why can't he clue me in on it?) She is in a better place (what place could possible be better than her parents arms?) Everything happens for a reason (what possible reason could there be for the death of a two month old baby) Trust me, I heard them all.
We continued with plans to move to North Carolina when in retrospect I should have called everything off and spent the proper time grieving. But I went on with it. We moved to NC and tried to pretend like nothing happened. But it did. And the damage had been done. Bitterness began to settle in. Me and my wife grew apart from each other. This is common I know...but no less significant. For reasons I do not wish to discuss here I did not trust her enough to confide in her. She wanted group therapy and I am a very introvert person and I ended up closing myself off from everybody. The church suffered. The pastor that was supposed to be helping us was a judgmental prick. His wife to this day represents everything I have come to hate about church. Things were said that I am not proud of. The pastor threatened to ruin my dad's ministry if I didn't shut up.
In the end the move to NC was one of the worst decision of my life. I ended up resigning as a missionary citing emotional loss and went back to Georgia with my tail tucked in. I arrived in Georgia and began helping with a Spanish church there. I became assistant pastor and by age 26 I was pastor of the church.
My reset button had kicked in. I was accepting things by faith, and the questions I could not answered I purposely pushed aside. But the seeds of doubt were there. My marriage continued to deteriorate. My wife became hooked on the internet. Finally things began coming up and I discovered she was cheating on me. This was the final straw. We separated. I resigned my church. And it was here I began the true search for the truth. It came in two phases for me...of course...this is another post...
It was at this point in my life I began doing some really
stupid things I am truly ashamed of. Things I would have never done otherwise.
I let all the anger and hurt explode. I became a total idiot for a few years. I
walked out of my church on a Wednesday night after resigning my pulpit. I tried
resigning my membership of the church, but did you know that church is one of
those things you don't resign your membership? You either are kicked out or
move it to another church of like faith. You don't resign. So I (like the idiot
I was quickly becoming) decided, fine...bet I can get you to kick me out!
I began by moving about a thirty minute drive to Lafayette. Now you just don't understand Lafayette. That little one bedroom house was the only place I have ever lived that when the night came, there was no street lights, there was nothing but the stars and the moon. It was pitch black at night. I moved away from everybody. I was like a hurt tiger. I had just asked my wife for a divorce after finding from different people about times they had seen her with different men. I knew for a fact she had cheated on me. And also knew she had crossed some line that should never be crossed. I demanded a divorce from her. I was broken...or so I thought. I just wanted to be alone and be left alone.
I started drinking, not heavy, just enough to be breaking the church covenant. Then, enter left stage, my second wife. I met her on yahoo...nice huh? She was coming to the states for a visit and I was one of several stops she had planned...geez why wasn't I paying attention? She came and from day one the intention was to piss my ex off. In retrospect I can admit that it was also part of my mission to get myself kicked out of church.
I look back and think how utterly stupid I was. I was upset when everybody pushed me away, but in many ways it was me pushing them away. I was doing everything I could to get myself kicked out of church, then got upset when they did. But then, who is rational during anger that deep. I remember standing out on the porch of that remote little one bedroom house and screaming at the heaven's shaking my fist, shooting a bird at God and venting all the hate, hurt and bitterness.
Was the beginning of this journey out of anger? Yes. Did I reject god out of anger? At first yes. My second marriage ended no better than it started. We were complete opposites in everything and completely incompatible. We got married because she got pregnant almost immediately. I have often felt she was just looking for somebody to sucker in and eventually get her papers. Well she got lucky at the very first shot, unfortunately for her she got stuck with a poor shmuck. I didn't have the money to get her her papers. About 3-4 weeks after she arrived she was pregnant.
Once it was decided she was staying for the pregnancy we eventually got married, for the baby. On our way to the Justice of the Peace I told her flat out I didn't love her but was doing this because I would not leave her with the burden of my child by herself. I have always felt that it is a sorry dog that will stay for the fun and run when the consequences come up. Well, as you might imagine things did not go well. By mutual decision we decided to have an open relationship. What this meant was that we could see who we wanted to and sleep with whomever we wanted to as long as the other party knew about it. Are you surprised this did not work out? In all fairness to her, I was being a total shmuck and douche bag. I never ever hit her. EVER. I believe a man that beats a woman is lower than whale shit. But I didn't treat her right, we both failed to treat each other right and the marriage was doomed from the start.
It was around this time I had a life changing discovery..and it began phase two...
I began by moving about a thirty minute drive to Lafayette. Now you just don't understand Lafayette. That little one bedroom house was the only place I have ever lived that when the night came, there was no street lights, there was nothing but the stars and the moon. It was pitch black at night. I moved away from everybody. I was like a hurt tiger. I had just asked my wife for a divorce after finding from different people about times they had seen her with different men. I knew for a fact she had cheated on me. And also knew she had crossed some line that should never be crossed. I demanded a divorce from her. I was broken...or so I thought. I just wanted to be alone and be left alone.
I started drinking, not heavy, just enough to be breaking the church covenant. Then, enter left stage, my second wife. I met her on yahoo...nice huh? She was coming to the states for a visit and I was one of several stops she had planned...geez why wasn't I paying attention? She came and from day one the intention was to piss my ex off. In retrospect I can admit that it was also part of my mission to get myself kicked out of church.
I look back and think how utterly stupid I was. I was upset when everybody pushed me away, but in many ways it was me pushing them away. I was doing everything I could to get myself kicked out of church, then got upset when they did. But then, who is rational during anger that deep. I remember standing out on the porch of that remote little one bedroom house and screaming at the heaven's shaking my fist, shooting a bird at God and venting all the hate, hurt and bitterness.
Was the beginning of this journey out of anger? Yes. Did I reject god out of anger? At first yes. My second marriage ended no better than it started. We were complete opposites in everything and completely incompatible. We got married because she got pregnant almost immediately. I have often felt she was just looking for somebody to sucker in and eventually get her papers. Well she got lucky at the very first shot, unfortunately for her she got stuck with a poor shmuck. I didn't have the money to get her her papers. About 3-4 weeks after she arrived she was pregnant.
Once it was decided she was staying for the pregnancy we eventually got married, for the baby. On our way to the Justice of the Peace I told her flat out I didn't love her but was doing this because I would not leave her with the burden of my child by herself. I have always felt that it is a sorry dog that will stay for the fun and run when the consequences come up. Well, as you might imagine things did not go well. By mutual decision we decided to have an open relationship. What this meant was that we could see who we wanted to and sleep with whomever we wanted to as long as the other party knew about it. Are you surprised this did not work out? In all fairness to her, I was being a total shmuck and douche bag. I never ever hit her. EVER. I believe a man that beats a woman is lower than whale shit. But I didn't treat her right, we both failed to treat each other right and the marriage was doomed from the start.
It was around this time I had a life changing discovery..and it began phase two...
It was at this point in my life I began doing some really
stupid things I am truly ashamed of. Things I would have never done otherwise.
I let all the anger and hurt explode. I became a total idiot for a few years. I
walked out of my church on a Wednesday night after resigning my pulpit. I tried
resigning my membership of the church, but did you know that church is one of
those things you don't resign your membership? You either are kicked out or
move it to another church of like faith. You don't resign. So I (like the idiot
I was quickly becoming) decided, fine...bet I can get you to kick me out!
I began by moving about a thirty minute drive to Lafayette. Now you just don't understand Lafayette. That little one bedroom house was the only place I have ever lived that when the night came, there was no street lights, there was nothing but the stars and the moon. It was pitch black at night. I moved away from everybody. I was like a hurt tiger. I had just asked my wife for a divorce after finding from different people about times they had seen her with different men. I knew for a fact she had cheated on me. And also knew she had crossed some line that should never be crossed. I demanded a divorce from her. I was broken...or so I thought. I just wanted to be alone and be left alone.
I started drinking, not heavy, just enough to be breaking the church covenant. Then, enter left stage, my second wife. I met her on yahoo...nice huh? She was coming to the states for a visit and I was one of several stops she had planned...geez why wasn't I paying attention? She came and from day one the intention was to piss my ex off. In retrospect I can admit that it was also part of my mission to get myself kicked out of church.
I look back and think how utterly stupid I was. I was upset when everybody pushed me away, but in many ways it was me pushing them away. I was doing everything I could to get myself kicked out of church, then got upset when they did. But then, who is rational during anger that deep. I remember standing out on the porch of that remote little one bedroom house and screaming at the heaven's shaking my fist, shooting a bird at God and venting all the hate, hurt and bitterness.
Was the beginning of this journey out of anger? Yes. Did I reject god out of anger? At first yes. My second marriage ended no better than it started. We were complete opposites in everything and completely incompatible. We got married because she got pregnant almost immediately. I have often felt she was just looking for somebody to sucker in and eventually get her papers. Well she got lucky at the very first shot, unfortunately for her she got stuck with a poor shmuck. I didn't have the money to get her her papers. About 3-4 weeks after she arrived she was pregnant.
Once it was decided she was staying for the pregnancy we eventually got married, for the baby. On our way to the Justice of the Peace I told her flat out I didn't love her but was doing this because I would not leave her with the burden of my child by herself. I have always felt that it is a sorry dog that will stay for the fun and run when the consequences come up. Well, as you might imagine things did not go well. By mutual decision we decided to have an open relationship. What this meant was that we could see who we wanted to and sleep with whomever we wanted to as long as the other party knew about it. Are you surprised this did not work out? In all fairness to her, I was being a total shmuck and douche bag. I never ever hit her. EVER. I believe a man that beats a woman is lower than whale shit. But I didn't treat her right, we both failed to treat each other right and the marriage was doomed from the start.
It was around this time I had a life changing discovery..and it began phase two...
I began by moving about a thirty minute drive to Lafayette. Now you just don't understand Lafayette. That little one bedroom house was the only place I have ever lived that when the night came, there was no street lights, there was nothing but the stars and the moon. It was pitch black at night. I moved away from everybody. I was like a hurt tiger. I had just asked my wife for a divorce after finding from different people about times they had seen her with different men. I knew for a fact she had cheated on me. And also knew she had crossed some line that should never be crossed. I demanded a divorce from her. I was broken...or so I thought. I just wanted to be alone and be left alone.
I started drinking, not heavy, just enough to be breaking the church covenant. Then, enter left stage, my second wife. I met her on yahoo...nice huh? She was coming to the states for a visit and I was one of several stops she had planned...geez why wasn't I paying attention? She came and from day one the intention was to piss my ex off. In retrospect I can admit that it was also part of my mission to get myself kicked out of church.
I look back and think how utterly stupid I was. I was upset when everybody pushed me away, but in many ways it was me pushing them away. I was doing everything I could to get myself kicked out of church, then got upset when they did. But then, who is rational during anger that deep. I remember standing out on the porch of that remote little one bedroom house and screaming at the heaven's shaking my fist, shooting a bird at God and venting all the hate, hurt and bitterness.
Was the beginning of this journey out of anger? Yes. Did I reject god out of anger? At first yes. My second marriage ended no better than it started. We were complete opposites in everything and completely incompatible. We got married because she got pregnant almost immediately. I have often felt she was just looking for somebody to sucker in and eventually get her papers. Well she got lucky at the very first shot, unfortunately for her she got stuck with a poor shmuck. I didn't have the money to get her her papers. About 3-4 weeks after she arrived she was pregnant.
Once it was decided she was staying for the pregnancy we eventually got married, for the baby. On our way to the Justice of the Peace I told her flat out I didn't love her but was doing this because I would not leave her with the burden of my child by herself. I have always felt that it is a sorry dog that will stay for the fun and run when the consequences come up. Well, as you might imagine things did not go well. By mutual decision we decided to have an open relationship. What this meant was that we could see who we wanted to and sleep with whomever we wanted to as long as the other party knew about it. Are you surprised this did not work out? In all fairness to her, I was being a total shmuck and douche bag. I never ever hit her. EVER. I believe a man that beats a woman is lower than whale shit. But I didn't treat her right, we both failed to treat each other right and the marriage was doomed from the start.
It was around this time I had a life changing discovery..and it began phase two...
Having dealt with the concept of faith, I realized I had to
deal with the other concepts I had held as fact. At the top of this list was
the infallibility of the Bible. I had been taught all my life that the Bible
was infallible and that it was the foundation of true faith. After all, “faith
cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God.” I had been taught the answer
to all of life's problems were in the Bible and that it was the inspired and
infallible word of God. I considered a few things about the Bible as I
determined its validity.
I considered its accuracy: I began doing some serious research and found that it was not infallible. There is no historical proof for the story Moses. The “kingdom” of David is non existent in history and by even many Jewish scholars appears to be nothing more than tribal leaders, a story embellished by History. The Bible is its own proof. We would scoff at any other book that was in and of itself its best and only defense. All other books that have been written to defend it, use the Bible to defend itself. Sure there are many truths and there are many moral and social views that can be learned from it, but when it is all said and done it is NOT infallible.
I considered it consistency: It is a study in ideological contradictions. We are to make god our example and strive to be like him. He tells us not to seek vengeance yet tells us that vengeance is his. We are told we have free will and the freedom to choose, yet if we do accept him as our “savior” we are doomed to hell. It is the equivalent of a gang charging for insurance from themselves. We are told the first commandment is to love him, to fail to love him is to receive eternal damnation. This is the equivalent of a boyfriend beating his girlfriend because she refuses to love him. We are told on one passage in James chapter 1 that every good thing comes from God. We see Job, tested by the devil as God stands by and allows it. We are taught God didn't do these horrible things to Job, He allowed it. This is no different than the person that stands by and allows his family to be killed, he is an accomplice and is equally as guilty by any law we know and respect.
I considered its motive: Two things struck me about the Bible. First, the fact that it is a Hebrew book, written by Hebrew men telling us that the Hebrew god would judge us if we didn't take care of the Hebrew people. Now I found this to be an amazing feat! We defend Israel's every action. The beginning of this alliance with Israel was because our leaders believed we had a responsibility to protect “God's Chosen People”. Take for instance the latest unpleasantness in the Gaza Strip. Israel was every bit as guilty as the Palestinian's yet we stood unquestionably beside Israel. We have placed ourselves right in the middle of a fight between Israel and the Muslim's all so we can gain favor with their God. I find this to be one of the most amazing blackmail jobs in the history of the world! Second, the most anti feminist book in the world is the Bible. You have a book written by men, consistently placing the original sin on woman, telling women they are the weaker vessel and going so far as in the New Testament stating that women should be silent in the congregation and if they have a question to ask their husband. It is the single most male chauvinist book in the world....yet it gets a free pass.
There was more that played into my final choice to reject the Bible as infallible. More than will fit on this blog. Suffice it to say that after many hours and days spent reasoning through the information available, I determined that it was not worthy of my unquestioning faith and devotion. Having removed the foundation of every other belief I held dear it was only a matter of time before the existence of God came up....as it did...
I considered its accuracy: I began doing some serious research and found that it was not infallible. There is no historical proof for the story Moses. The “kingdom” of David is non existent in history and by even many Jewish scholars appears to be nothing more than tribal leaders, a story embellished by History. The Bible is its own proof. We would scoff at any other book that was in and of itself its best and only defense. All other books that have been written to defend it, use the Bible to defend itself. Sure there are many truths and there are many moral and social views that can be learned from it, but when it is all said and done it is NOT infallible.
I considered it consistency: It is a study in ideological contradictions. We are to make god our example and strive to be like him. He tells us not to seek vengeance yet tells us that vengeance is his. We are told we have free will and the freedom to choose, yet if we do accept him as our “savior” we are doomed to hell. It is the equivalent of a gang charging for insurance from themselves. We are told the first commandment is to love him, to fail to love him is to receive eternal damnation. This is the equivalent of a boyfriend beating his girlfriend because she refuses to love him. We are told on one passage in James chapter 1 that every good thing comes from God. We see Job, tested by the devil as God stands by and allows it. We are taught God didn't do these horrible things to Job, He allowed it. This is no different than the person that stands by and allows his family to be killed, he is an accomplice and is equally as guilty by any law we know and respect.
I considered its motive: Two things struck me about the Bible. First, the fact that it is a Hebrew book, written by Hebrew men telling us that the Hebrew god would judge us if we didn't take care of the Hebrew people. Now I found this to be an amazing feat! We defend Israel's every action. The beginning of this alliance with Israel was because our leaders believed we had a responsibility to protect “God's Chosen People”. Take for instance the latest unpleasantness in the Gaza Strip. Israel was every bit as guilty as the Palestinian's yet we stood unquestionably beside Israel. We have placed ourselves right in the middle of a fight between Israel and the Muslim's all so we can gain favor with their God. I find this to be one of the most amazing blackmail jobs in the history of the world! Second, the most anti feminist book in the world is the Bible. You have a book written by men, consistently placing the original sin on woman, telling women they are the weaker vessel and going so far as in the New Testament stating that women should be silent in the congregation and if they have a question to ask their husband. It is the single most male chauvinist book in the world....yet it gets a free pass.
There was more that played into my final choice to reject the Bible as infallible. More than will fit on this blog. Suffice it to say that after many hours and days spent reasoning through the information available, I determined that it was not worthy of my unquestioning faith and devotion. Having removed the foundation of every other belief I held dear it was only a matter of time before the existence of God came up....as it did...
I guess it was inevitable for this question to come up.
Looking back through the years I think on some level subconsciously I always
questioned this and through all my doubts I was always just asking the wrong
question. But the reality is it was necessary to first deal with the subjects
of faith and the Bible. Anything less and it would have been a mere rejection
based on emotions and on being “mad” at God. More an act of rebellion that a
rational choice resulting from an extensive and thorough search for knowledge
and reason.
How do I see the concept of God? I do not believe that god created man in his image. I see, rather, that man has created god in his image. Each society through the history of the world has worshiped a god of some sort. This god has fit within the parameters of their social and cultural existence.
Does the fact that every culture HAS a god prove the existence of a god? Absolutely not. What it does prove is the need in the human psych to have somebody in control. Somebody that provides balance and justice. The pattern has been repeated time and time again throughout the history of man. Society requires order. This order is brought about with a two fold form of human control: government and religion. You establish rules. You establish an arbitrator for those rules. This arbitrator must be somebody with sufficient power to enforce these rules.
A perfect example is the Ten Commandments. You start of f with establishing the arbitrator and enforcer. I am the Lord thy God. Next you establish the appropriate reverence and respect for that arbitrator. Remember the sabbath and do not take his name in vain. Then you establish acceptable rules of behavior. Obey your parents. Don't lie. Don't covet. Don't mess with your neighbor's woman (ironically mentioned twice since the book IS written by men and us men are kind of particular about other men messing with out woman!)
Over and over throughout the history of the world this pattern has been followed in both monotheistic and polytheistic societies. The point comes down to this. There is no conclusive evidence to the existence of a god. The existence for one god in one society results in the rejection of the god of other societies. For example if you believe in the God of Judeo-Christianity then as a result you reject the gods of Hinduism. And this rejection is not a mild rejection. In other words it is not a, well you are wrong, oh well. It is a strong rejection, i.e. you are wrong and you will burn forever in hell for it. Indeed, Old Testament Judaic law called for the death of any that worshiped a different god.
In my opinion, a solid reasoning and simple process of deduction as well as an open minded observation of the world and its cultures would lead to the fact that the concept of god is more a concept in the human mind that an actual person that is in control of the world.
How do I see the concept of God? I do not believe that god created man in his image. I see, rather, that man has created god in his image. Each society through the history of the world has worshiped a god of some sort. This god has fit within the parameters of their social and cultural existence.
Does the fact that every culture HAS a god prove the existence of a god? Absolutely not. What it does prove is the need in the human psych to have somebody in control. Somebody that provides balance and justice. The pattern has been repeated time and time again throughout the history of man. Society requires order. This order is brought about with a two fold form of human control: government and religion. You establish rules. You establish an arbitrator for those rules. This arbitrator must be somebody with sufficient power to enforce these rules.
A perfect example is the Ten Commandments. You start of f with establishing the arbitrator and enforcer. I am the Lord thy God. Next you establish the appropriate reverence and respect for that arbitrator. Remember the sabbath and do not take his name in vain. Then you establish acceptable rules of behavior. Obey your parents. Don't lie. Don't covet. Don't mess with your neighbor's woman (ironically mentioned twice since the book IS written by men and us men are kind of particular about other men messing with out woman!)
Over and over throughout the history of the world this pattern has been followed in both monotheistic and polytheistic societies. The point comes down to this. There is no conclusive evidence to the existence of a god. The existence for one god in one society results in the rejection of the god of other societies. For example if you believe in the God of Judeo-Christianity then as a result you reject the gods of Hinduism. And this rejection is not a mild rejection. In other words it is not a, well you are wrong, oh well. It is a strong rejection, i.e. you are wrong and you will burn forever in hell for it. Indeed, Old Testament Judaic law called for the death of any that worshiped a different god.
In my opinion, a solid reasoning and simple process of deduction as well as an open minded observation of the world and its cultures would lead to the fact that the concept of god is more a concept in the human mind that an actual person that is in control of the world.
This was possibly the hardest part of all this. Where do you
go when you eliminate all your options? Where do you turn when you have
analyzed yourself out of your previous mental safe havens? I was both confused
and a little lost. If there is no god then who do you lean on? I didn't have a
woman in my life I could trust and depend on, my family kept pointing me to god
and well my friends were pretty much history.
I am far from having all the answers. I think that is the actual point. It is a journey...one that never really ends. I think if I cease learning I cease living. It is the ability to learn and to adapt that makes us creatures of intelligence. When we become so stubborn and set in our ways that we are unable to even tolerate something that is of a differing opinion we lose our edge and we cease living and begin existing.
What I DO know:
I have established the following parameters.
I do not accept anything just because somebody says it. I demand evidence. Not feelings, tangible evidence. I often hear the argument, “well you breath air and cannot see it.” This seems like a good argument except there is a confirmed molecular structure for air...it has been seen and has been verified. The analogy does not fit. There is no incontrovertible evidence that there is a god. Paul states in Romans that nature teaches there is a god. Thomas Payne even stated in his book on reason that he believes in God and does so based on nature. I would argue that this is faulty logic and that even Payne did not go far enough. IF nature teaches us anything it teaches that there is a cycle. Due to this fact I would be more inclined to eastern religions that teach karma and teach reincarnation than I would of faith in a creator. The point comes down to I do not accept anything with out factual evidence.
I determine what is important. For instance...I have been asked, then how do you explain the existence of the world, the complexities of the human body and the creation of the universe. The answer? What does it matter? Was there anybody there keeping record f it at the beginning. Does anybody even know when the beginning occurred? And how long did time elapse from the point of “the beginning” to when recorded history was begun? These are questions nobody can answer and when it comes right down to it they are irrelevant. Now Christians at this point are gagging over their arguments on this one....but seriously. When I was a preacher one of the silliest questions I got was....where did Cain get his wife? My answer? Wherever he wanted to. Who cares. It is irrelevant. It is OK for Christians to relegate things to irrelevance, things they cannot answer, but not OK for somebody else to do the same thing? I have decided that I will first determine the importance of something before I waste a lot of time and energy on it. Does it affect my future? Does it affect the core of my beliefs and in what way and to what extent?
What I DON'T know.
I DON'T know what tomorrow brings. I DON'T know where to turn sometimes. I will admit there are times I am envious of those that can survive on trite phrases such as, “living by faith” and “God will provide” and “everything has a purpose”. These phrases that roll off people's lips, seemingly so easy, and help them sleep at night. Cliches that help them accept the unacceptable, help them rest when they see no other path to take...what isn't there to envy?
I have felt like the guy from the movies about the Matrix. Remember the traitor? The one that said ignorance is bliss. He said he wanted to be inserted back into the Matrix. He felt that not knowing was better than knowing and going through the pain of reality. I can relate...but like Neo...I can't go back. I have tried. I have tried to stand like the cowardly lion and repeat, “I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do I do I doooo believe in spooks.” But when it is said and done, though there are days I wish I had taken the blue pill...the story had ended and life had gone on...I can't. I hunger for knowledge, and I strive for logic and reason.
How far do I go in this whole atheist thing? Well I don't try to change people and make them an atheist. I don't go around arguing religion with everybody. I actually believe that religion, in and of itself, is a necessary evil that plays a crucial function in society. There is a reason that every society known to man has two distinct forms of control. One is government and the other is religion. Where one fails or one drops off the other picks up. Religion enforces the most basic social laws with severe consequences. While there can be good without religion, humans as a whole are weak, vulnerable and by nature herded. While an atheist could argue that a world without religion would be a perfect world, a world without religion would be a world of anarchy and chaos.
Now a world with religion has its own share of atrocities so don't go patting yourself on the back too much. 9/11 was a religious statement. The Holocaust was fed by religion. The Inquisition was empowered by religion. The Crusades were driven by religion. Jones town was the result of religion. So before you pat yourself on the back about the power of religion, look a little deeper at the abuse of that power.
I do not “convert” people to atheism because, simply put, atheism is not a religion. Atheism is the rejection of religion. It is the complete acceptance of logic and reason.
So in answer to the question...where am I today? I refuse to be as close minded of an Atheist as I was a Baptist Minister. I explore and study. Currently, thanks to my friend Barb, I am studying the subject of karma and meta physics. And that is what it means, at least for me, to be an atheist. I am searching for knowledge. I am clearly set on some things, I have to be, or every religious nut job out there would be trying to sway me to see things their way. But I am open to logic and reason, I am open to knowledge. My Journey....has become a quest.
A quest to understand myself.
A quest to understand the world around me.
A quest for knowledge.
I am far from having all the answers. I think that is the actual point. It is a journey...one that never really ends. I think if I cease learning I cease living. It is the ability to learn and to adapt that makes us creatures of intelligence. When we become so stubborn and set in our ways that we are unable to even tolerate something that is of a differing opinion we lose our edge and we cease living and begin existing.
What I DO know:
I have established the following parameters.
I do not accept anything just because somebody says it. I demand evidence. Not feelings, tangible evidence. I often hear the argument, “well you breath air and cannot see it.” This seems like a good argument except there is a confirmed molecular structure for air...it has been seen and has been verified. The analogy does not fit. There is no incontrovertible evidence that there is a god. Paul states in Romans that nature teaches there is a god. Thomas Payne even stated in his book on reason that he believes in God and does so based on nature. I would argue that this is faulty logic and that even Payne did not go far enough. IF nature teaches us anything it teaches that there is a cycle. Due to this fact I would be more inclined to eastern religions that teach karma and teach reincarnation than I would of faith in a creator. The point comes down to I do not accept anything with out factual evidence.
I determine what is important. For instance...I have been asked, then how do you explain the existence of the world, the complexities of the human body and the creation of the universe. The answer? What does it matter? Was there anybody there keeping record f it at the beginning. Does anybody even know when the beginning occurred? And how long did time elapse from the point of “the beginning” to when recorded history was begun? These are questions nobody can answer and when it comes right down to it they are irrelevant. Now Christians at this point are gagging over their arguments on this one....but seriously. When I was a preacher one of the silliest questions I got was....where did Cain get his wife? My answer? Wherever he wanted to. Who cares. It is irrelevant. It is OK for Christians to relegate things to irrelevance, things they cannot answer, but not OK for somebody else to do the same thing? I have decided that I will first determine the importance of something before I waste a lot of time and energy on it. Does it affect my future? Does it affect the core of my beliefs and in what way and to what extent?
What I DON'T know.
I DON'T know what tomorrow brings. I DON'T know where to turn sometimes. I will admit there are times I am envious of those that can survive on trite phrases such as, “living by faith” and “God will provide” and “everything has a purpose”. These phrases that roll off people's lips, seemingly so easy, and help them sleep at night. Cliches that help them accept the unacceptable, help them rest when they see no other path to take...what isn't there to envy?
I have felt like the guy from the movies about the Matrix. Remember the traitor? The one that said ignorance is bliss. He said he wanted to be inserted back into the Matrix. He felt that not knowing was better than knowing and going through the pain of reality. I can relate...but like Neo...I can't go back. I have tried. I have tried to stand like the cowardly lion and repeat, “I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do I do I doooo believe in spooks.” But when it is said and done, though there are days I wish I had taken the blue pill...the story had ended and life had gone on...I can't. I hunger for knowledge, and I strive for logic and reason.
How far do I go in this whole atheist thing? Well I don't try to change people and make them an atheist. I don't go around arguing religion with everybody. I actually believe that religion, in and of itself, is a necessary evil that plays a crucial function in society. There is a reason that every society known to man has two distinct forms of control. One is government and the other is religion. Where one fails or one drops off the other picks up. Religion enforces the most basic social laws with severe consequences. While there can be good without religion, humans as a whole are weak, vulnerable and by nature herded. While an atheist could argue that a world without religion would be a perfect world, a world without religion would be a world of anarchy and chaos.
Now a world with religion has its own share of atrocities so don't go patting yourself on the back too much. 9/11 was a religious statement. The Holocaust was fed by religion. The Inquisition was empowered by religion. The Crusades were driven by religion. Jones town was the result of religion. So before you pat yourself on the back about the power of religion, look a little deeper at the abuse of that power.
I do not “convert” people to atheism because, simply put, atheism is not a religion. Atheism is the rejection of religion. It is the complete acceptance of logic and reason.
So in answer to the question...where am I today? I refuse to be as close minded of an Atheist as I was a Baptist Minister. I explore and study. Currently, thanks to my friend Barb, I am studying the subject of karma and meta physics. And that is what it means, at least for me, to be an atheist. I am searching for knowledge. I am clearly set on some things, I have to be, or every religious nut job out there would be trying to sway me to see things their way. But I am open to logic and reason, I am open to knowledge. My Journey....has become a quest.
A quest to understand myself.
A quest to understand the world around me.
A quest for knowledge.
So there you have it. That is the answer, though verbose it
may be, to the question of how a pastor becomes an atheist. It was not an easy
path. Nor was it an easy journey. It is a path I am still traveling. I am open
minded to other ideas. I am not even closed to arguments about theology and the
existence of God. Some people I know prefer to think of me as an agnostic. I
see myself as a student of logic and reason. As a result I see myself as an
atheist.
I still study religion. As I have already mentioned, a friend of mine, Barb, brought up the subject of karma. I am still studying it and may even blog about what I find, once I have had time to think through it and analyze my findings.
I am often asked what made me become an atheist. I tell people I went through a painful experience...I grew a brain of my own. I do not try to convince you or anybody else to become an atheist. I only challenge you and anybody that reads this. Question everything. Think for yourself. See where it leads you.
My journey is far from over. There is so much to learn and so much to better. I can only hope I keep an open mind and a willing heart to learn.
If you don't come away with anything else. I have tried to bare my heart in this, so others can see where I have been and where it has led me. I want to emphasize one thing. I did not become an atheist because I was angry. Sure, that is what started it. But if you marginalize this whole thing down to that you are taking the easy road, simplifying it so you can defend your faith and hold onto it. Sure I was angry, that anger is what started the questioning process. I am no longer angry at god...because I sincerely believe that there is no such thing as a god. I reached that conclusion through logic and reason not emotions. Indeed, the indoctrination and brainwashing that occurred from childhood punishes me emotionally. My head, my logic and my reason dictate there is no god, but the heart that has been emotionally dependent for so many years is not so easily convinced, and betrays me. So it is not my emotions that led me to this conclusion...it was much more.
I guess as I close this all I can ask is that you come away with the understanding...this was my journey. We all have our own journey to make, as my twitter friend @smileytexasmom put it so eloquently one time. This is where my journey led me. Yours may lead you elsewhere. I will respect you and your journey...I only ask that you respect mine...
Peace be the Journey...
I still study religion. As I have already mentioned, a friend of mine, Barb, brought up the subject of karma. I am still studying it and may even blog about what I find, once I have had time to think through it and analyze my findings.
I am often asked what made me become an atheist. I tell people I went through a painful experience...I grew a brain of my own. I do not try to convince you or anybody else to become an atheist. I only challenge you and anybody that reads this. Question everything. Think for yourself. See where it leads you.
My journey is far from over. There is so much to learn and so much to better. I can only hope I keep an open mind and a willing heart to learn.
If you don't come away with anything else. I have tried to bare my heart in this, so others can see where I have been and where it has led me. I want to emphasize one thing. I did not become an atheist because I was angry. Sure, that is what started it. But if you marginalize this whole thing down to that you are taking the easy road, simplifying it so you can defend your faith and hold onto it. Sure I was angry, that anger is what started the questioning process. I am no longer angry at god...because I sincerely believe that there is no such thing as a god. I reached that conclusion through logic and reason not emotions. Indeed, the indoctrination and brainwashing that occurred from childhood punishes me emotionally. My head, my logic and my reason dictate there is no god, but the heart that has been emotionally dependent for so many years is not so easily convinced, and betrays me. So it is not my emotions that led me to this conclusion...it was much more.
I guess as I close this all I can ask is that you come away with the understanding...this was my journey. We all have our own journey to make, as my twitter friend @smileytexasmom put it so eloquently one time. This is where my journey led me. Yours may lead you elsewhere. I will respect you and your journey...I only ask that you respect mine...
Peace be the Journey...
6 comments:
First off try having a true conversion not one of being scared cause you watched a scary movie. And you don't decide to be a preacher GOD does that and hardships and pain is part of life but as a christian they. Are used to help you grow and you are not an atheist it is instilled in everyones heart that there is a God so their is no such thing as a atheist I didn't say that the bible did.Everyone has hardships just look at Joel but he didn't give up on God and was restored many times over that's exactly what the devil wants for everyone to quit.You just made him very happy
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