So there you have it. That is the answer, though verbose it may be, to the question of how a pastor becomes an atheist. It was not an easy path. Nor was it an easy journey. It is a path I am still traveling. I am open minded to other ideas. I am not even closed to arguments about theology and the existence of God. Some people I know prefer to think of me as an agnostic. I see myself as a student of logic and reason. As a result I see myself as an atheist.
I still study religion. As I have already mentioned, a friend of mine, Barb, brought up the subject of karma. I am still studying it and may even blog about what I find, once I have had time to think through it and analyze my findings.
I am often asked what made me become an atheist. I tell people I went through a painful experience...I grew a brain of my own. I do not try to convince you or anybody else to become an atheist. I only challenge you and anybody that reads this. Question everything. Think for yourself. See where it leads you.
My journey is far from over. There is so much to learn and so much to better. I can only hope I keep an open mind and a willing heart to learn.
If you don't come away with anything else. I have tried to bare my heart in this, so others can see where I have been and where it has led me. I want to emphasize one thing. I did not become an atheist because I was angry. Sure, that is what started it. But if you marginalize this whole thing down to that you are taking the easy road, simplifying it so you can defend your faith and hold onto it. Sure I was angry, that anger is what started the questioning process. I am no longer angry at god...because I sincerely believe that there is no such thing as a god. I reached that conclusion through logic and reason not emotions. Indeed, the indoctrination and brainwashing that occurred from childhood punishes me emotionally. My head, my logic and my reason dictate there is no god, but the heart that has been emotionally dependent for so many years is not so easily convinced, and betrays me. So it is not my emotions that led me to this conclusion...it was much more.
I guess as I close this all I can ask is that you come away with the understanding...this was my journey. We all have our own journey to make, as my twitter friend @smileytexasmom put it so eloquently one time. This is where my journey led me. Yours may lead you elsewhere. I will respect you and your journey...I only ask that you respect mine...
Peace be the Journey...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
My Journey...(Part X): So what now...?
This was possibly the hardest part of all this. Where do you go when you eliminate all your options? Where do you turn when you have analyzed yourself out of your previous mental safe havens? I was both confused and a little lost. If there is no god then who do you lean on? I didn't have a woman in my life I could trust and depend on, my family kept pointing me to god and well my friends were pretty much history.
I am far from having all the answers. I think that is the actual point. It is a journey...one that never really ends. I think if I cease learning I cease living. It is the ability to learn and to adapt that makes us creatures of intelligence. When we become so stubborn and set in our ways that we are unable to even tolerate something that is of a differing opinion we lose our edge and we cease living and begin existing.
What I DO know:
I have established the following parameters.
I do not accept anything just because somebody says it. I demand evidence. Not feelings, tangible evidence. I often hear the argument, “well you breath air and cannot see it.” This seems like a good argument except there is a confirmed molecular structure for air...it has been seen and has been verified. The analogy does not fit. There is no incontrovertible evidence that there is a god. Paul states in Romans that nature teaches there is a god. Thomas Payne even stated in his book on reason that he believes in God and does so based on nature. I would argue that this is faulty logic and that even Payne did not go far enough. IF nature teaches us anything it teaches that there is a cycle. Due to this fact I would be more inclined to eastern religions that teach karma and teach reincarnation than I would of faith in a creator. The point comes down to I do not accept anything with out factual evidence.
I determine what is important. For instance...I have been asked, then how do you explain the existence of the world, the complexities of the human body and the creation of the universe. The answer? What does it matter? Was there anybody there keeping record f it at the beginning. Does anybody even know when the beginning occurred? And how long did time elapse from the point of “the beginning” to when recorded history was begun? These are questions nobody can answer and when it comes right down to it they are irrelevant. Now Christians at this point are gagging over their arguments on this one....but seriously. When I was a preacher one of the silliest questions I got was....where did Cain get his wife? My answer? Wherever he wanted to. Who cares. It is irrelevant. It is OK for Christians to relegate things to irrelevance, things they cannot answer, but not OK for somebody else to do the same thing? I have decided that I will first determine the importance of something before I waste a lot of time and energy on it. Does it affect my future? Does it affect the core of my beliefs and in what way and to what extent?
What I DON'T know.
I DON'T know what tomorrow brings. I DON'T know where to turn sometimes. I will admit there are times I am envious of those that can survive on trite phrases such as, “living by faith” and “God will provide” and “everything has a purpose”. These phrases that roll off people's lips, seemingly so easy, and help them sleep at night. Cliches that help them accept the unacceptable, help them rest when they see no other path to take...what isn't there to envy?
I have felt like the guy from the movies about the Matrix. Remember the traitor? The one that said ignorance is bliss. He said he wanted to be inserted back into the Matrix. He felt that not knowing was better than knowing and going through the pain of reality. I can relate...but like Neo...I can't go back. I have tried. I have tried to stand like the cowardly lion and repeat, “I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do I do I doooo believe in spooks.” But when it is said and done, though there are days I wish I had taken the blue pill...the story had ended and life had gone on...I can't. I hunger for knowledge, and I strive for logic and reason.
How far do I go in this whole atheist thing? Well I don't try to change people and make them an atheist. I don't go around arguing religion with everybody. I actually believe that religion, in and of itself, is a necessary evil that plays a crucial function in society. There is a reason that every society known to man has two distinct forms of control. One is government and the other is religion. Where one fails or one drops off the other picks up. Religion enforces the most basic social laws with severe consequences. While there can be good without religion, humans as a whole are weak, vulnerable and by nature herded. While an atheist could argue that a world without religion would be a perfect world, a world without religion would be a world of anarchy and chaos.
Now a world with religion has its own share of atrocities so don't go patting yourself on the back too much. 9/11 was a religious statement. The Holocaust was fed by religion. The Inquisition was empowered by religion. The Crusades were driven by religion. Jones town was the result of religion. So before you pat yourself on the back about the power of religion, look a little deeper at the abuse of that power.
I do not “convert” people to atheism because, simply put, atheism is not a religion. Atheism is the rejection of religion. It is the complete acceptance of logic and reason.
So in answer to the question...where am I today? I refuse to be as close minded of an Atheist as I was a Baptist Minister. I explore and study. Currently, thanks to my friend Barb, I am studying the subject of karma and meta physics. And that is what it means, at least for me, to be an atheist. I am searching for knowledge. I am clearly set on some things, I have to be, or every religious nut job out there would be trying to sway me to see things their way. But I am open to logic and reason, I am open to knowledge. My Journey....has become a quest.
A quest to understand myself.
A quest to understand the world around me.
A quest for knowledge.
I am far from having all the answers. I think that is the actual point. It is a journey...one that never really ends. I think if I cease learning I cease living. It is the ability to learn and to adapt that makes us creatures of intelligence. When we become so stubborn and set in our ways that we are unable to even tolerate something that is of a differing opinion we lose our edge and we cease living and begin existing.
What I DO know:
I have established the following parameters.
I do not accept anything just because somebody says it. I demand evidence. Not feelings, tangible evidence. I often hear the argument, “well you breath air and cannot see it.” This seems like a good argument except there is a confirmed molecular structure for air...it has been seen and has been verified. The analogy does not fit. There is no incontrovertible evidence that there is a god. Paul states in Romans that nature teaches there is a god. Thomas Payne even stated in his book on reason that he believes in God and does so based on nature. I would argue that this is faulty logic and that even Payne did not go far enough. IF nature teaches us anything it teaches that there is a cycle. Due to this fact I would be more inclined to eastern religions that teach karma and teach reincarnation than I would of faith in a creator. The point comes down to I do not accept anything with out factual evidence.
I determine what is important. For instance...I have been asked, then how do you explain the existence of the world, the complexities of the human body and the creation of the universe. The answer? What does it matter? Was there anybody there keeping record f it at the beginning. Does anybody even know when the beginning occurred? And how long did time elapse from the point of “the beginning” to when recorded history was begun? These are questions nobody can answer and when it comes right down to it they are irrelevant. Now Christians at this point are gagging over their arguments on this one....but seriously. When I was a preacher one of the silliest questions I got was....where did Cain get his wife? My answer? Wherever he wanted to. Who cares. It is irrelevant. It is OK for Christians to relegate things to irrelevance, things they cannot answer, but not OK for somebody else to do the same thing? I have decided that I will first determine the importance of something before I waste a lot of time and energy on it. Does it affect my future? Does it affect the core of my beliefs and in what way and to what extent?
What I DON'T know.
I DON'T know what tomorrow brings. I DON'T know where to turn sometimes. I will admit there are times I am envious of those that can survive on trite phrases such as, “living by faith” and “God will provide” and “everything has a purpose”. These phrases that roll off people's lips, seemingly so easy, and help them sleep at night. Cliches that help them accept the unacceptable, help them rest when they see no other path to take...what isn't there to envy?
I have felt like the guy from the movies about the Matrix. Remember the traitor? The one that said ignorance is bliss. He said he wanted to be inserted back into the Matrix. He felt that not knowing was better than knowing and going through the pain of reality. I can relate...but like Neo...I can't go back. I have tried. I have tried to stand like the cowardly lion and repeat, “I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do I do I doooo believe in spooks.” But when it is said and done, though there are days I wish I had taken the blue pill...the story had ended and life had gone on...I can't. I hunger for knowledge, and I strive for logic and reason.
How far do I go in this whole atheist thing? Well I don't try to change people and make them an atheist. I don't go around arguing religion with everybody. I actually believe that religion, in and of itself, is a necessary evil that plays a crucial function in society. There is a reason that every society known to man has two distinct forms of control. One is government and the other is religion. Where one fails or one drops off the other picks up. Religion enforces the most basic social laws with severe consequences. While there can be good without religion, humans as a whole are weak, vulnerable and by nature herded. While an atheist could argue that a world without religion would be a perfect world, a world without religion would be a world of anarchy and chaos.
Now a world with religion has its own share of atrocities so don't go patting yourself on the back too much. 9/11 was a religious statement. The Holocaust was fed by religion. The Inquisition was empowered by religion. The Crusades were driven by religion. Jones town was the result of religion. So before you pat yourself on the back about the power of religion, look a little deeper at the abuse of that power.
I do not “convert” people to atheism because, simply put, atheism is not a religion. Atheism is the rejection of religion. It is the complete acceptance of logic and reason.
So in answer to the question...where am I today? I refuse to be as close minded of an Atheist as I was a Baptist Minister. I explore and study. Currently, thanks to my friend Barb, I am studying the subject of karma and meta physics. And that is what it means, at least for me, to be an atheist. I am searching for knowledge. I am clearly set on some things, I have to be, or every religious nut job out there would be trying to sway me to see things their way. But I am open to logic and reason, I am open to knowledge. My Journey....has become a quest.
A quest to understand myself.
A quest to understand the world around me.
A quest for knowledge.
My Journey (IX): Is there a God?
I guess it was inevitable for this question to come up. Looking back through the years I think on some level subconsciously I always questioned this and through all my doubts I was always just asking the wrong question. But the reality is it was necessary to first deal with the subjects of faith and the Bible. Anything less and it would have been a mere rejection based on emotions and on being “mad” at God. More an act of rebellion that a rational choice resulting from an extensive and thorough search for knowledge and reason.
How do I see the concept of God? I do not believe that god created man in his image. I see, rather, that man has created god in his image. Each society through the history of the world has worshiped a god of some sort. This god has fit within the parameters of their social and cultural existence.
Does the fact that every culture HAS a god prove the existence of a god? Absolutely not. What it does prove is the need in the human psych to have somebody in control. Somebody that provides balance and justice. The pattern has been repeated time and time again throughout the history of man. Society requires order. This order is brought about with a two fold form of human control: government and religion. You establish rules. You establish an arbitrator for those rules. This arbitrator must be somebody with sufficient power to enforce these rules.
A perfect example is the Ten Commandments. You start of f with establishing the arbitrator and enforcer. I am the Lord thy God. Next you establish the appropriate reverence and respect for that arbitrator. Remember the sabbath and do not take his name in vain. Then you establish acceptable rules of behavior. Obey your parents. Don't lie. Don't covet. Don't mess with your neighbor's woman (ironically mentioned twice since the book IS written by men and us men are kind of particular about other men messing with out woman!)
Over and over throughout the history of the world this pattern has been followed in both monotheistic and polytheistic societies. The point comes down to this. There is no conclusive evidence to the existence of a god. The existence for one god in one society results in the rejection of the god of other societies. For example if you believe in the God of Judeo-Christianity then as a result you reject the gods of Hinduism. And this rejection is not a mild rejection. In other words it is not a, well you are wrong, oh well. It is a strong rejection, i.e. you are wrong and you will burn forever in hell for it. Indeed, Old Testament Judaic law called for the death of any that worshiped a different god.
In my opinion, a solid reasoning and simple process of deduction as well as an open minded observation of the world and its cultures would lead to the fact that the concept of god is more a concept in the human mind that an actual person that is in control of the world.
How do I see the concept of God? I do not believe that god created man in his image. I see, rather, that man has created god in his image. Each society through the history of the world has worshiped a god of some sort. This god has fit within the parameters of their social and cultural existence.
Does the fact that every culture HAS a god prove the existence of a god? Absolutely not. What it does prove is the need in the human psych to have somebody in control. Somebody that provides balance and justice. The pattern has been repeated time and time again throughout the history of man. Society requires order. This order is brought about with a two fold form of human control: government and religion. You establish rules. You establish an arbitrator for those rules. This arbitrator must be somebody with sufficient power to enforce these rules.
A perfect example is the Ten Commandments. You start of f with establishing the arbitrator and enforcer. I am the Lord thy God. Next you establish the appropriate reverence and respect for that arbitrator. Remember the sabbath and do not take his name in vain. Then you establish acceptable rules of behavior. Obey your parents. Don't lie. Don't covet. Don't mess with your neighbor's woman (ironically mentioned twice since the book IS written by men and us men are kind of particular about other men messing with out woman!)
Over and over throughout the history of the world this pattern has been followed in both monotheistic and polytheistic societies. The point comes down to this. There is no conclusive evidence to the existence of a god. The existence for one god in one society results in the rejection of the god of other societies. For example if you believe in the God of Judeo-Christianity then as a result you reject the gods of Hinduism. And this rejection is not a mild rejection. In other words it is not a, well you are wrong, oh well. It is a strong rejection, i.e. you are wrong and you will burn forever in hell for it. Indeed, Old Testament Judaic law called for the death of any that worshiped a different god.
In my opinion, a solid reasoning and simple process of deduction as well as an open minded observation of the world and its cultures would lead to the fact that the concept of god is more a concept in the human mind that an actual person that is in control of the world.
My Journey (Part VIII): Breaking down the foundation...
Having dealt with the concept of faith, I realized I had to deal with the other concepts I had held as fact. At the top of this list was the infallibility of the Bible. I had been taught all my life that the Bible was infallible and that it was the foundation of true faith. After all, “faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God.” I had been taught the answer to all of life's problems were in the Bible and that it was the inspired and infallible word of God. I considered a few things about the Bible as I determined its validity.
I considered its accuracy: I began doing some serious research and found that it was not infallible. There is no historical proof for the story Moses. The “kingdom” of David is non existent in history and by even many Jewish scholars appears to be nothing more than tribal leaders, a story embellished by History. The Bible is its own proof. We would scoff at any other book that was in and of itself its best and only defense. All other books that have been written to defend it, use the Bible to defend itself. Sure there are many truths and there are many moral and social views that can be learned from it, but when it is all said and done it is NOT infallible.
I considered it consistency: It is a study in ideological contradictions. We are to make god our example and strive to be like him. He tells us not to seek vengeance yet tells us that vengeance is his. We are told we have free will and the freedom to choose, yet if we do accept him as our “savior” we are doomed to hell. It is the equivalent of a gang charging for insurance from themselves. We are told the first commandment is to love him, to fail to love him is to receive eternal damnation. This is the equivalent of a boyfriend beating his girlfriend because she refuses to love him. We are told on one passage in James chapter 1 that every good thing comes from God. We see Job, tested by the devil as God stands by and allows it. We are taught God didn't do these horrible things to Job, He allowed it. This is no different than the person that stands by and allows his family to be killed, he is an accomplice and is equally as guilty by any law we know and respect.
I considered its motive: Two things struck me about the Bible. First, the fact that it is a Hebrew book, written by Hebrew men telling us that the Hebrew god would judge us if we didn't take care of the Hebrew people. Now I found this to be an amazing feat! We defend Israel's every action. The beginning of this alliance with Israel was because our leaders believed we had a responsibility to protect “God's Chosen People”. Take for instance the latest unpleasantness in the Gaza Strip. Israel was every bit as guilty as the Palestinian's yet we stood unquestionably beside Israel. We have placed ourselves right in the middle of a fight between Israel and the Muslim's all so we can gain favor with their God. I find this to be one of the most amazing blackmail jobs in the history of the world! Second, the most anti feminist book in the world is the Bible. You have a book written by men, consistently placing the original sin on woman, telling women they are the weaker vessel and going so far as in the New Testament stating that women should be silent in the congregation and if they have a question to ask their husband. It is the single most male chauvinist book in the world....yet it gets a free pass.
There was more that played into my final choice to reject the Bible as infallible. More than will fit on this blog. Suffice it to say that after many hours and days spent reasoning through the information available, I determined that it was not worthy of my unquestioning faith and devotion. Having removed the foundation of every other belief I held dear it was only a matter of time before the existence of God came up....as it did...
I considered its accuracy: I began doing some serious research and found that it was not infallible. There is no historical proof for the story Moses. The “kingdom” of David is non existent in history and by even many Jewish scholars appears to be nothing more than tribal leaders, a story embellished by History. The Bible is its own proof. We would scoff at any other book that was in and of itself its best and only defense. All other books that have been written to defend it, use the Bible to defend itself. Sure there are many truths and there are many moral and social views that can be learned from it, but when it is all said and done it is NOT infallible.
I considered it consistency: It is a study in ideological contradictions. We are to make god our example and strive to be like him. He tells us not to seek vengeance yet tells us that vengeance is his. We are told we have free will and the freedom to choose, yet if we do accept him as our “savior” we are doomed to hell. It is the equivalent of a gang charging for insurance from themselves. We are told the first commandment is to love him, to fail to love him is to receive eternal damnation. This is the equivalent of a boyfriend beating his girlfriend because she refuses to love him. We are told on one passage in James chapter 1 that every good thing comes from God. We see Job, tested by the devil as God stands by and allows it. We are taught God didn't do these horrible things to Job, He allowed it. This is no different than the person that stands by and allows his family to be killed, he is an accomplice and is equally as guilty by any law we know and respect.
I considered its motive: Two things struck me about the Bible. First, the fact that it is a Hebrew book, written by Hebrew men telling us that the Hebrew god would judge us if we didn't take care of the Hebrew people. Now I found this to be an amazing feat! We defend Israel's every action. The beginning of this alliance with Israel was because our leaders believed we had a responsibility to protect “God's Chosen People”. Take for instance the latest unpleasantness in the Gaza Strip. Israel was every bit as guilty as the Palestinian's yet we stood unquestionably beside Israel. We have placed ourselves right in the middle of a fight between Israel and the Muslim's all so we can gain favor with their God. I find this to be one of the most amazing blackmail jobs in the history of the world! Second, the most anti feminist book in the world is the Bible. You have a book written by men, consistently placing the original sin on woman, telling women they are the weaker vessel and going so far as in the New Testament stating that women should be silent in the congregation and if they have a question to ask their husband. It is the single most male chauvinist book in the world....yet it gets a free pass.
There was more that played into my final choice to reject the Bible as infallible. More than will fit on this blog. Suffice it to say that after many hours and days spent reasoning through the information available, I determined that it was not worthy of my unquestioning faith and devotion. Having removed the foundation of every other belief I held dear it was only a matter of time before the existence of God came up....as it did...
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