Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Appomattox Curse....

So I had this epiphany. It turns out that way back at the end of the civil war. As the Generals gathered at that little farm to sign terms of surrender, that ol' Grant and Lee cut a secret deal that nobody knew about till I had this epiphany.

Grant conceeded and allowed the South to have dibs on hospitality and on cat head bisquits and sausage gravy and the north would be able to drive in snow like intelligent people!

OMG....we got THREE...mind you THREE fricken inches of snow...and the apocalypse is upon us! Now in all fairness, we don't get enough snow to really spend the money on the heavy equipment and salt and all that stuff that the damn yankees have to spend money on but seriously...do we have to act like such idiots?????

About 1pm the snow started falling, I got a call that I would need to be at work at 5pm instead of 6pm. I was also advised to allow for plenty of time to arrive at the hospital. Ok so I get a shower make a HUGE cup of coffee (because well...coffee is essential to any task) I load up and leave the house at 2:30pm for what is normally..mind you NORMALLY...a 45 minute drive. I turn left on N Hwy 225 and we are CRAWLING along at 5 mph...no I am NOT making this shit up!

I turn left on Hwy 2 and there is hardly any traffic on this road for the first 4-5 miles so I am moving a little faster but not too fast because the snow is just sitting there and well....we southerners are afraid of snow that sits there...it might pounce on us and push us off the road or do something equally violent to us. So I move along and a speedy 20-25 miles per hour (versus the usual 70 in a 55 I pull when the road is clear because apparantly us southerners can't drive sensibly in good weather either!)

So coming down the road traffic comes to a complete halt right around Prater Mill. The road is shut down and police are turning us around. Apparantly the road has become a solid sheet of ice...which is apparantly a good thing if you are going sking on the Alps, but NOT so good for facilitating the daily commute to work. So we slip and slide in the slush...might I add...4 inches of slush? We turn around and take an even MORE remote and slush covered route to get back to Cleaveland Hwy and go down and go to Hwy 2 again turn right and then make my way to the Interstate.

So I think...hmm..ok the interstate shouldn't be toooooo bad...I mean surely there is enough traffic on it to keep the road clear enough to drive. WRONG! Apparantly snow in GA not only scares GA people but out of state people too. See they know how bad we southerners drive...so the out of towners just say "Uh HUH! No WAY! THos fuckers have no clue what they are doing!" So they are not necessarily scared of the snow (since they are buried in the white shit for half the year unless they grab their scuba set and go to Florida) and they are not scared of DRIVING in the snow....but apparantly nothing scares a Yankee more (since last they saw the Mighty Stonewall Jackson make his stand) than a Georgia redneck behind the wheel of his pickup truck in 3 inches of snow!

By now you are laughing but make no mistake....you had better fear the good ol' boys in their pickups in three inches of snow...honey they will fuck up your best day! So we are plugging along the interstate at a speedy 35 mph which is a far cry from my usual 80 mph...

Too make a long story short....it took me almost THREE HOURS to get to work!!!!!! Are you fricken kidding me??? I know there is a recession, I know times are hard...but for crying outloud! Can we get a little bit of salt people??? The sad part is if you say that too loud there will be a whole bunch of helpful genteel southerners coming out of their house carrying their salt shakers!

Of course, by now some Yankee in NYC (yeah you John, fucker!) is laughing his ass off about another day of Southern Comfort but seriously we got the better end of the deal...we got them hot flaky cat head biscuits and sweet tea (seriously you people have GOT to get a clue on that...unsweet tea with a couple of packs of sugar does NOT cut it!) All though, the chance to be rude and just explain it by saying "Oh I am from New York, Ohio, Michigan, Florida (oops...sorry that one slipped in there but you guys are ruining Florida too any way)...and EVERYBODY just says OHHHHHH...like that explains it all...that would be nice...I guess...

Of course now you know why there is a church on every fricken corner in GA...they are there to pray that we don't get snow...

Seriously....

4 comments:

Opinionated Gifts said...

I hate sweet tea, but bring those damned biscuits up here. Also we can't get any goddamned decent hashbrowns in NYC either. People here actually think that shit that McDonald's passes off is a hash brown.

By the way, we do 75 on the BQE here too.

In Buffalo they laugh just as hard at us in the winter as we do you.

And bro, I am still laughing my ass off.

Mandie said...

You should see the retards that come out to play in Michigan when it snows.

ladyrebecca said...

What's funny is that you don't have to drive very far south before you start having idiot drivers. Iowa drivers know what they are doing. It takes a fricking blizzard to get the schools to have a late start. Drive four hours south, to Kansas City and two inches will shut the city down! We couldn't believe our ears the day a DJ said, "Well, they are out salting the roads right now" (this after about 5 inches of snow had fallen) "and as soon as the sun comes out, the snow will start melting away." We, being from Iowa, were like, "IT'S CALLED A SNOW PLOW!" but the DJ didn't listen.

And then you have Germany, where they are saying, "Oh, hey, sorry guys but we, the German government, are probably going to run out of road salt so...you know...stay home as much as possible." Nice planning, huh?

Mmmmmm...sweet tea...how my cavities miss you. :)

Mandy said...

Oh I cannot imagine 3 hours to get to work! However, I am sure it would be much worse here!

I am a southern girl through and through, BUT, I do not drink sweet tea...imagine that one! ha!

 

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