Seven Things about Me you probably didn't know

Since this Award has no name I am going to name it
BFD Award (because it is!)
awarded to me
By
Gamecock Mama


Ok..so after I wiped the tears from my eyes from the esctasy of recieving my first blog reward (hey this is like the Pulitzer or some shit so back off dammit!)I realized, like Spiderman, that with great power comes great responsibility (oh stop laughing I am enjoying my moment here! lol) So as a result of this award I have to write 7 things about myself and pick out 7 bloggers to do the same (after I get to play the Oscars and give them a reward! So here goes my sacred seven secrets:

1. I am a cartoon junkie!

I absofreakinlutely love cartoons. And not this new bullshit they try to pass of as cartoons now a days. My favorites include: Dexter's Labratory, ALL things Looney Toons, Tom & Jerry, Thundercats, Code Name: Kids Next Door. I love old school Disney (before all that Pixar crap..all though..I did like Finding Nemo, Monsters Inc. and I thought Wall-e wasn't too bad for having zero dialogue.) Sleeping Beauty rocked, The Emperor's New Groove was a blast and Lilo and Stitch....oh yeah...

2. I am a sci fi geek

If it starts with star I love it. Stargate, SG-1 and Atlantis...Star Wars, Star Trek (all of them except Deep Space 9...never could get into that one...was just too depressing.). I did NOT like Battlestar Galactica at all...it was like a soap opera in the stars. I did NOT like Ghost Hunters...too wierd, and I am a skeptic anyway. I love fantasy movies like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and really just about anything sci fi.

3. I am a diabetic

I am a type 2 diabetic and have been for almost 9 years. I am a horrible diabetic...I love my oreo cookies and my gatorade (not together of course..that is just gross!) I have always been a pretty sorry diabetic though, mostly because it seems if it tastes good it pretty much is the spawn of satan and will kill me.

4. I used to be a crazy driver

No you don't get it...I was like a really really really really stupid driver! Like, I used to pass people on the grass median, I used to pass on the emergency lane and I never ran below 100 mph. It was always wide open and caution to the wind. What happened? I had kids...that changed everything. I traded my balls for my kids...and wouldn't have it any other way.

5. I am a sentimental romantic (yes I cried at the end of Pay it Forward)
Ok so I won't go into this one too much because I don't want to ruin my rep..but yeah...'nuff said.

6. I am a writer...and not just a blog

I like to write fiction. Mostly fantasy stuff..you know elves, dragons, angels and demons (I know kind of wierd for an atheist huh?) I am currently working on my bachelor's degree in English with plans to get a Masters in Communication and a Doctorate in Philosophy. I then want to go back and get whatever credit hours needed for a degree in Creative writing. My goal (when I grow up) is to be a college professor and make the lives miserable on students for the rest of my mortal existence. And I can do it..I promise!

7. I used to be a HUGE chat addict...and it has gotten me into trouble

For a few years I was hooked on chat programs. Was into Palace Chat, Yahoo! Chat, Second Life, Voodoo Chat, Halsoft (VP) Chat and a couple of more...umm...adult friendly chat programs. It was a fantasy world where I kind of lost direction in my life and made some mistakes that cost me. I met my second wife in Yahoo! Chat...and the last disastrous relationship I was in was with a girl I met in Voodoo Chat. I learned a lot of things about myself, and learned some life lessons the very hard way. I do have some lifelong friends that I have never met face to face but I have known for years and they are kind of like family to me...despite the fact that we have never met. I left chat completely for a while to help me gain perspective on my life and get my head out of my ass...so that pinched look on my forehead? It comes from clamping down too hard!

So...having done my part in this chain...I pass the torch to my fellow bloggers whom I will introduce mimicing the Wizard as he left Oz...and thus I award the"BFD Award"....

By virtue of his superior intelligence and limited personality (waiting for the return insult...hehehehe)...Gifts of Thought (@OpinionatedGift)

By virtue of her equestrian prowress and affinity for all things "pet"... Too much Perfection (@2MuchPerfection)

By virtue of her inquisitive mind and Insatiable thirst for knowledge... Waiting for the Click (@lesleeHorner)

By virtue of her impressive honesty and addiction to Hello Kitty... kiterztoo.com (@kitterztoo)

By virtue of her unmatched geekiness and incomparable nerdiness... It's Just Me (@Tookergoos20)

By virtue of his big mouth and twisted sense of humor...Gettin' Down with the King (@thewierdoking)

ok..so I am short one but seriously...everybody else I would pass this on to has already been trapped into doing this...so settle for an even six versus an uneven seven...ok? lol

That being said...good luck to the new winners may this award be as touching and as...ah hell I don't know...as it was to me! Woot! Happy Blogging!

My Love / Hate Relationship with World of Warcraft

OK...so I have an addiction. I have never done drugs, but I kind of imagine it would be something like this. I only drink socially and have not smoked in years. I don't do bars or behave like a man whore. But I do have an addiction. This addiction is gaming. And not just any game, no...Ladies and Gentlemen I am an addict to a game known as World of Warcraft!

So maybe the word addiction is only slightly too strong. I do have a job, and yes I do live in my parents house but (A) It is NOT in the basement (since they dont have one) and (B) I am there for reasons totally unrelated to WoW (which is how I will be referring to World of Warcraft for the remainder of this post). I am a semi functioning adult male, with a few extra pounds. I am a single dad. I not only HAVE a job but I function at a reasonable level of intelligence and competence, and to my knowledge am performing according to expectations.

So maybe I am not like a crack ho...you know gasping around for the next hit and dropping to my hands and knees and pulling my thong aside just to get the money for another hit (and no I don't wear thongs!). I am more like a functional alchoholic. I can still do the things I need to do, but that next drink is always around the corner and never far from my mind!

So for the uneducated World of Warcraft is put out by an evil corporation with the intention of taking over the world. This evil corporation known as Blizzard, distributes a game in which players are in an alternate reality. In this alternate universe that they have created you go around the world of Azeroth (along with the Outlands and Northrend expansions) and you perform quests and level up then get gear and get to kill monsters and all kinds of other things.

Now some may see this as childish, but with a population over a 10 million world wide, it is nothing to scoff at. I know grown men and women that play this game. I know successful business people, I know nurses and even a 60 year old doctor that play this game, so it is not just something for kids, teens and dead beat losers! I have found a LOT of military and former military like to play since there is a lot of combat and strategy involved.

WoW is NOT a shoot 'em up game, and there is not a lot of blood and guts everywhere. There are no lewd, naked hookers out there trying to take you down the path of evil. The game is rated PG-13, not for game content as much as the fact that the chat in the game can be pretty foul and is pretty wide open so it is not advised for little children.

But as my title implies it is a mixed bag. So here goes my list of love and hate for World of Warcraft:

10 things I love about World of Warcraft

1. I love the lore

Blizzard has done a great job writing a very thorough and imaginative background story to their game. It is a fascinating story, and I am always a sucker for a good story. So I will have to say that the lore is a huge part of my enjoyment of the game. There is a movie coming out in 2011 that I cannot wait to see.

2. I love trade chat (and Barrens Chat!)

12 year olds on crack best defines trade chat. The ignorance spouted is absolutely amazing. Trade chat used to not be so bad. You basically had to go to the Barrens to get the really stupid chat. Of course barrens chat always got cured by a good dose of Chuck Norris! Hey! Who DOESN'T like a good Chuck Norris joke??? But then you go to trade chat and somehow it always comes down to drugs and anal sex! (now you know why the game is PG-13!) Some idiot talks about how he is gonna smoke pot, and then about fifteen people respond on what an idiot he is. He is not going to smoke pot! He barely got his mommy to give him the 15.00 for his monthly WoW fee!

3. I love a good guild

A guild is like...your peeps. A gang of sorts. I remember when I was on Frostmane (one of the US Realms in the game) and was a member of Symbol of Agression. There was this Alliance guild that had us on KOS (Kill on Sight) and we had them on KOS. And at least twice a week all war would break out in the Sons of Hodir daily questing area....was a blast! 30-40 level 80s just out beating up on each other...those were the days.

4. I love the goal oriented format (I dig those dailies!)

I like the goal oriented format of the game. Leveling, questing, leveling professions, earning gold through the dailies. It is all goal oriented which is something I love.

5. I love the Blood Elf (female) butt!

Ok...so I started playing the game with a Blood Elf Hunter. A male. I was all like...I am NOT playing a girl! Are you crazy??? Yeah, I know. Till my buddy Ben pointed out I was spending hours looking at a guy's ass. He had a point. So I began playing females...much more atttractive to look at as they are going along all sexy like. (Yes, I know it is a cartoon...leave me alone dammit!!! lol)

6. I love Kara! (umm...that would be Kharazhan)

Of all the raids I did in the game I loved Kara the most. That place was fun. It was the type of place that even now, some of the bosses require coordination no matter how many level 80's you have. That place wasa blast.

7. I love killing this little Night Elf out in Ashenvale!

There is this level 11ish NPC (some guy in the actual game not played by somebody else) He sits beside a fire just outside of a horde base in northern Ashenvale. He is so melodramatic when he dies. I am rarely out in that area...but no matter what..if I am out there..that dude is dead! Oh and the outriders in The Barrens too...them fuckers killed me too many times...I let them have it every time I am around them...oddly enough, I never get that urge to take on the Fel Reaver alone though...somehow I manage to avoid that bastard.

8. I love the Double Language!

The game is just full of double language. If you do the Sons of Hodir Dalies you will do quests named, "Blowing Hodir's Horn". "Thrusting Hodir's Spear" and "Polishing Hodir's Helm"....what can I say...this Hodir Dude gets lucky quite often! There is the achievement where you have to fall 75 feet without dying...oddly enough it is named.."Going Down!" LOL Too much.

9. I love the Shit Quests (no shit! rofl)

Somebody in Blizzard has a twisted sense of humor (not to mention some really sick fetishes!) In every expansion at some point you will do a quest where you have to take a dog for a walk feed it..wait till it shits..then dig through its shit for some quest item...I shit you not! Serious...some of these programmers need therapy!

10. I love Thrall!

Thrall is the bomb. I Hate the mighty Chieftain is getting neutered in the next expansion and is going to become the Ambassador of the horde. Is ok...for now I will just say that in WoW....ol' Thrall is da BOMB! I love watching Alliance come in and try to kill him. Son of a bitch is bad ass! Then there is the day I got to go to Undercity and help ol' Thrall out...him and the Banshee Queen (Sylvanas) backed me up as I took over Undercity. Yeah, he doesnt do too bad for a Shaman...then we had a couple of beers afterwards...


10 Things I hate about World of Warcraft

1. I hate Elitist Jerks (and not the website..I dont understand them enough to hate them!)

I hate people that forget that at one point they didn't know how to play the damn game either. I hate the people that find it necessary to insult and degrade people because they don't know how to play the game as good them. I can't stand to even play with people that have to belittle people for the epeen (that is electronic penis for those that are unfamiliar with the WoW jargon.) And most of all, I cant stand the people that feel the need to judge a person's worth and a person's character by how they play a stupid game!

2. I hate PvP

I cannot stand pvp. Frankly because I suck at it. I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but I have the good sense to know when I can fight and win and when it is best to stay out of a fight. And trust me, I suck at pvp. So nothing sucks more than to just repeatedly get your ass handed to you by some 12 year old who wants to add insult to injury and camp your ass (in other words sit there and repeatedly kill you for their amusement, is very annoying!) I was glad to finally get off of a PvP server and get to a PvE server. (By the way, for the none WoW people...PvP means Player versus Player and PvE means player versus Environment.)

3. I hate those bugs in Stratholme!

In Stratholme there are these bugs that silence you. So when I go in on my mage I am doomed if I make the wrong step and get about three of them on me. They will chain silence you while everything else kills you. It is embarassing for a level 80 to get killed in Strat..but it has happened to me more times than I care to admit.

4. I hate Rogues!!!

I have already mentioned how much I hate PvP...and my MAIN reason for hating PvP is rogues! I call them the only class that plays with their food! It is irritating as hell! A Paladin kills you it is over before you know what hit you. An arcane mage hits you? Two shots you are dead...thank you...see you in the after life...but no....not arogue....nooooo...these sadistic bastards have to take for fucking ever to kill you. Sap, backstab, blind, mutilate and who the hell knows what else!!! Rinse and repeat...and repeat...and repeat....and repeat...it takes for ever!!!! Finally you are dead...you come back, they are stealthed..you rez...they start it all over again...bastards.

5. Did I mention I hate Rogues?!? (yes I DO still know how to count)

yeah...just for emphasis...

5. I hate the Fel Reaver!

Ok..so how many of my friends that actually play wow and will read this will remember that magical moment when you hit 58-60 and went through the Dark Portal? Did you do it by yourself at 3am (after a long night of grinding to get to that magic number so you could go to the Outlands)? Did you go with friends? Stand in a circle and sing kumbaya? You go through, take that first flight to Thrallmar (Go Horde!) you pick up your first quests, you go start the grind to 70, are busy killing those little red orc guys (or the hellboars you have to feed and dig through their shit for some sort of quest item?) And the ground starts shaking and the next thing you know you are dead? You go WTF???? and look around and this big ass machine is stomping off? How the FUCK does that big ass bastard sneak up on you?? It never failed, I would turn around and BAM! There he is...not like oh let me run cause there he comes...NOOOOO...it is like your head is coming out of your ass because the fucker is already pummeling you!! (you laugh but those that have played the game know I am telling the truth! lol)

6. I hate I never got Legacy!

Yes, Cesar, I AM still bitching and moaning about Legacy. Best in slot weapon for a hunter pre Wrath of the Lich King. It was this badass two handed axe that looked so fucking cool. It only dropped in the Theatre Event in Kara...and only from a specific play, the Romeo and Juliet one I think. And like the star crossed lovers Me and Legacy never could quite connect. It didn't help that it seemed like Legacy always taunted me by dropping when I couldn't raid and I would hear the horrible stories of the damn thing getting disenchanted (which means reduced to powder and shards for those that don't play WoW.)One of these days I am going to run Kara just to get it and put it in the bank so I can say I got it!

7. I hate the rep grind for some factions.

Reputation grinds are part of the game. It is how you get achievements, gear, pets and mounts. Some of the grinds are ok while some of the grinds are a nightmare. I remember leveling Mag'har rep for the mounts. And having to kill ogres, hundreds and hundreds of ogres to get their beads and turn them in for rep. (Yes, I was doing nasty things with ogres and their beads...if you must know!) And then there is Timbermaw...vengeful little buggers, it is hard as hell to get rep with them but you can lose it very fast!

8. I hate that Paris Hilton has invaded WoW!

How the hell this Bimbo has shown up in WoW is beyond me. But WoW has this habit of stealing celebrities names! Mr T, Paris Hilton (she is Haris Pilton in Shattrath City) and many more. There is even a Harrison Jones you have to escort out of danger...a pit full of snakes resulting in an achievement entitled, "Snakes, Why did it have to be Snakes?", sound familiar?

9. I hate The Occulus! (and tanks that don't know how to run Old Kingdom!)

If you have played the game you know what I mean. These two instances are a nightmare. Occulus is a pain in the as place full of dragons where you have to ride a dragon at the end to kill the final boss. While on the surface it sounds cool, if you dont get a decent group of players it always results in a debacle. And don't even get me started on Old Kingdom. After you kill Prince K, you go down this passage way and there are some steps there that only about 5% of the tanks I have run with even know how to run it, usually resulting in multiple deaths and a high repair bill.

10. I hate the nerd rage

It is actually kinda comical watching the nerd rage. Screw up on an instance, "Dude you are such a noob! When did you buy your pally? What a huntard!" The list goes on and on. It is really funny to watch in trade chat as the revenge of the nerds takes place in full color. Then I would be remise if I did not mention my geeky friend Mandie and how she geeks out on Blizzard news! But she is actually cute, rather than irritating...well most of the times at least :-P!!!

So many things about the game to hate or love. But it is my habit and my hobby. I am a grown man. I don't go bar hopping, I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke. This is my escape time. I worship the ground my daughter walks on, and most of the time I am right on top of things with her...of course when I fail to she comes in hugs up to me and says softly, "Daddy, can you get off your game and play with me?" That is when I know I have pushed my luck and it is time to dial it back some! Then of course, there was this one time I was trying to show her how to play this little hand held game she had recieved a s a gift, she promptly took it away from me and said, "Daddy you play YOUR game, this MY game!"

Hey...it is electronic crack! lol And I am a proud member of WoW Anonymous!

For the Horde!!!

The school of hard knocks....

I know some of you might find this surprising...but I am a stubborn jackass! I was thinking about this last night. Life is full of lessons, some are learned gracefully...others..well not so gracefully. So a quick glance at some classes offered in the School of Hard Knocks:

(1) Bloody Wall Technique 101...I got an A+ in this class. It is basically where you sit like a retard in the corner and beat your head against the wall. It is a sign of insanity when you do the same thing over and over, expecting different results (I know I mangled that quote but you get the gist)If that is the case...then dammit I am plain out of my mind! I always seem to have this penchant for doing the same thing, thinking I will get it right this time. Somehow, it always turns out the same.

(2) Hindsight 20/20 101...yeah..you got it...I got an B+ in this one. I can't quite seem to learn things BEFORE I screw it up...but occasionally I learn from past mistakes. When I don't well...I am back in the Bloody Wall class beating my head into a useless sponge.

(3) Learn from the Mistakes of Others 302...this was an upper level course...that I failed...horribly....need I say more.

(4) Discretion and Prevention 302...also a class for upper level classmen...unfortunately I got expelled..I think...for snoring in class I think was the charge.

So...there it is...the School of hard knocks...now please excuse me while I change the bandages on my forehead.

The Road to Hell...

This song has always been one that touches me. The old saying goes "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". How true. I look back over my life. Two failed marriages. I look back at the three kids I have and the hell their mothers' and My decisions have put them in. And the only thing I can say is that I had the best of intentions. Pretty weak huh?

My life has been a series of bad decisions. One after another. My first marriage. A pastorate. A second marriage. A relationship that could have, but didn't thankfully, end in marriage.

Who has suffered for those decisions, irregardless of my intentions? My parents, my brother, my children, my ex wives....the list goes on and on.

Like Travis, all I can do is say I had the best of intentions, and I want to and plan to do better.

Let that pony run...

I was listening to this song last night...and thinking about this thought of letting that pony run and what an amazing thought...the past...let it go.

This song has always been a favorite of mine. I remember when my first marriage fell apart. When everything went down, I was in the process of moving into this little one bedroom house way out in the middle of no where. I remember the day I was moving in I had the cd player playing and repeating this one song all day. It was a personal song for me...let that pony run.

After the move back from Kansas I had a little bit of confidence issues and self worth, blah blah blah....and this song came back at just the right time...

Let that pony run...let the past go...you do what you gotta do and you know what you know..and you hang on..till you cant hang on then you...learn to let go...you give what you need in time but when it is all said and done...you do what you gotta do and then you...let that pony run...

Sometimes you just have to let the past go, you have to realize that there is nothing you can do about what has already been done..so enjoy the wind in your face...and just let that pony run.

An honest look in the mirror...

Ever thought about a mirror? Seriously..it is glass that you have lost the ability to look THROUGH and it rather looks back at you. Now that seems simplistic I know..but it is true. A good look in a mirror does us all good sometimes. Mirrors reveal flaws and beauty...with equal honesty. Think for a moment about mirrors...

(1)Mirror vs. Window...a Window allows you to look out at others...a Mirror forces you to look at yourself. Too often it is easy to look down our noses at others..untill it is our face in the mirror. And while you may see a slight reflection in a window...it is alway opaque and we pretty much can see what we want to see. A mirror blocks the view of others and puts us center stage for inspection.

(2) Why is breaking a mirror bad luck? Because ancient societies believed a mirror not only revealed your physical body but your soul...(which incidentally is why vampire myths state a vampire, a souless creature of death, cannot see themselves in a mirror)...to break a mirror was to break your soul...and it would take seven (a mystical number always linked to religious beliefs, ie. God created the world in seven days) years for the soul to "mend" itself.

(3) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We are the most powerful critics of ourselves. Others may see beauty in us but when we look in the mirror we tend to be critical..of the mole, the hair out of place, bag under our eyes. And there in lies the effectiveness of a mirror. The effectiveness of a mirror lays in our ability to be honest with ourselves...which is not always easy. A vain person sees themself in the mirror and only sees beauty..they cannot see the flaws that others see because they refuse to see them...a despondent person may only see flaws in themselves where others see good...an honest person will have the ability to see both the good and the bad.

(4) You cannot change....what you cannot acknowledge. If you look in the mirror and don't see your hair a mess..you won't fix it. The simple fact is that alcholics cannot recover till they acknowledge they have a problem, wife beaters cannot stop till they realize how wrong it is and you really cannot fix a problem till you recognize that there is a problem in the first place. The hardest part of looking into a mirror, especially the mirror of your soul, is acknowledging a problem.

So...having said all that philisophical mumbo jumbo...I have been spending a lot of time lately looking in the mirror. Looking at myself...I am 33...and I'll be damned if I dont have a lot to show for it. I have made the mistake too many people make and blamed others for my misfortune. My exes screwed with my head, screwed up my life, blah blah blah....and while they certainly didn't help they are not to blame for where I am at in my life today...they cannot take credit for any good that has happened...so it would be both foolish, immature and silly to blame them for the bad.

No...I have to own up to My choices...even the choice of marrying My ex wives...so if I am to blame for the good and the bad in my life..if I am going to change the direction of my life it is time for a close look in the mirror...

So...while right now I may or may not be ready or willing to do that in this forum....I will just sit here and listen to the voices in my head...

The death of innocence...

Innocence is an intresting thing. When we think of innocence too often we think only of the sexual aspects of it. Like in Deanna Carter's song, "Strawberry Wine" her loss of innocence was when she apparantly had an interesting and steamy experience on the banks of a river. But innocence is so much more than just getting your cherry popped! Innocence is how you view the world around you. There is in each of us the innocence of a child, that looks at the world around us through rose tinted glasses and looks for the good in people, expects the best out of life...and still believes in happily ever after. That is really what innocence is all about.

I sat thinking about innocence this morning. Trying to think of when did I lose that innocence? I always had this rosy outlook on life and the world...always expected a lucky break just around the bend....looked for the best in people...and believed that there is always some good in people.

Life has not been easy..it rarely is for anybody...is not whining..just facts..the death of a child and two divorces...yet somehow I managed to keep that view of the world and life in general. So when did I lose my innocence?

This trip to Kansas...living the summer there...was a life changing experience...and maybe not necessarily in a good way. I learned some ugly things about myself. I learned some ugly things about the world around me...and people...the vulnerability and gullibilty involved in thinking the best of people around you.

First there was my job. I worked for a company that was a lease to own...kind of like Rent a Center. I have always done customer service and know people have tempers and are rude, but usually it is founded in some problem...real or imagined...and it was my job to help them smile. But this job was different. It was collections in a business that already has a tendency to draw trash of every color of the human rainbow. I had to chase people down to collect money on shit they couldnt even afford in the first place. Some nasty houses too...dog shit, cat piss, rotting food...you name it I saw it. Playing a game of cat and mouse with deadbeats that had no intention of ever paying.

You lose faith in people. You start looking at people for their dishonesty and how they are lying to you and how they are going to cheat you instead of the good in people. Is hard to explain. It made me realize that while people are born with good in them they can easily kill it and very often do. Most people are just downright ugly. Some learn to control it better than others, but frankly it is more opportunity than it is integrity.

And then there was Amanda, the bitch I was living with...that woman that day in day out professed her undying love for me while she was stealing from me and lying to me. She, like no other person I have ever interacted with, used and abused that innocence that was in me. I trusted her, and even when I didnt completely believe her I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. That has always been my motto...the benefit of the doubt...just maybe they are right, just maybe they are telling the truth...and no matter how implausible an excuse might be...accept it for now.

Well I learned something...some people will take that...will stomp all over you...and then turn on you. When I left all I heard was the stuff I "stole" and the things I failed at (through the grapevine of course). No mention was made of all the stuff I left her...stuff that she didnt have when I got there. When I got there we were on a fucking air mattress that had to be filled 3 times a night. She had no job...she couldnt even get utilities because she owed them all money. When I left she had utilities, a bedroom group, bunkbeds for her boys, two tvs, two laptops a desk, a washer and dryer, a microwave...and all the cunt could tell people is how I stole her laptop (which was MY laptop that I took there), how I owed her $4,000 for child care because she was watching my kids when I was working (paying the bills), how I used her and then dumped her. No mention ever made about the 100.00 she stole from me that she still denied after I was gone.

And that was probably the worst of it for me. The lying. I hate being lied to. Lying to somebody is an insult to their intelligence. It is like saying...I can do this because you are to fucking stupid to understand otherwise and I can outsmart you because you are that fucking stupid. And boy could she lie. I could see it, I am not stupid and am very logical. I kept hoping she would reach the point of realizing that there is no need to lie to me. Hell, the 100.00 that I finally left over wasnt even the real reason I left...it was the fact that it was clear she did it..I mean she had the card before and after and it was a ATM withdrawal which can only be done with a card and pin...and was 3-4 blocks down from where she had an interview...15 minutes BEFORE her interview...but she not only did it...but lied...and lied...and repeatedly lied..with a straight face...acting angry and hurt that I would doubt her...to think that I was that totally stupid...that I couldnt see the facts right there in front of me...

The sad thing is...this is the first relationship I have ever been in that after I left it I had to change all my pin numbers and passwords, get new debit cards...I endangered my daughter...something I will never forgive myself for.

Garth Brooks did a song called "The Change". The chorus says.."And I hear them saying....you'll never change things...and no matter what you do its still the same thing...but its not the world that I am changing...I do this so..this world will know...that it will not change me." I alway used to say that I would never let people change me...and would point to this song...well Garth..I got news for you...sooner or later people do change you...it is inevitable...

I learned that people could claim to love you...yet lie to you...I learned that I was gullible...and really was that stupid...not because I could not see the facts...but rather because I believed that people are naturally honest...and I took people at face value...I learned that I was irresponsible trusting my daughter to a person like that...a mistake I will never make again. I learned that love is a dream that does not exist..people co exist...people learn to live with each other and care for each other...but the love of fairy tales...is exactly that...a pipe dream...a fairy tale...and you risk all when you go after a fairy tale...and yo lose all when it turns out to be a pipe dream....

These are lessons I learned..the hard way...

Understanding myself....

So I dug this thing back up (with the help of my good friends John and Tara) and figured I would do a little writing just for the hell of it. Random stuff...non political in this case since I am kind of disgusted with the world around us and political shit that has us in this mess...just well...musings of a man that sometimes feels like he really is going mad! lol

So I thought...what to write? Hell I dont know! I like to write fiction...but that is kind of stupid for a blog...I tend to be an introvert and not really open up...so I thought...hmmm...I can talk to myself...and yeah...did I mention sometimes I feel like I am going mad? Ever see that Samuel L Jackson movie? The Mothman Prophecies? where he runs around with nasty dread locks and talks to himself? lol yeah...if I start writing random numbers Tara....please shoot me! lol

Life has had a lot of changes for me in the last year...some really stupid decisions that led to some really crazy circumstances...but in it all I learned some things about life....about Myself and about the world around Me. I am 33 and I think maybe...just maybe...I am finally growing up...what can I say? I am a late bloomer! (not to mention stubborn as jackass!) in this thread I will probably muse on some of these experiences and changes...some are personal...and I guess it seems wierd that a introvert, private person would discuss them here...but frankly...I dont know most people that would read this anyway...and the two or three people that I do know that would read this..well...they already know I am screwed up and love me anyway...despite...in spite...because...hell I dont know which lol

So here goes a journey to understand Myself and the world around me...call it the little voices in my head...hold on...ok they took "little" personal and told me to correct it to "big" voices....(there happy?)...