So this last week I watched Friday the 13th, not the old classic one but rather the new one that was released to theatres in 2009. I must admit...I was underwhelmed...big time.
So there are couple of rules that are unique for a Jason movie. These rules can be grouped into two groups. First, there are rules for anybody playing Jason.
(1) You must be able to silently stomp and walk steady and purposefully. Let's face it: Jason is never in a hurry. He is like a bulldozer. He may not be fast but he is unstoppable. In the new movie, Jason...*gasp*...RUNS...hell at one point he LEAPS....I was like W-H-A-T T-H-E H-E-L-L!
(2) You must be able to swing a machete. Jason does not use other weapons unless he is unwillingly separated from his machete for some reason. Jason has been known to throw his machete like a projectile but only in rare instances and short distances and he IMMEDIATELY retrieves. In this movie he uses other weapons, having his machete at hand. In one seen he kills somebody with with a nail or stake or something on the wall...a Mike Meyers move NOT a Jason move. In another seen he throws a hatchet, having his machete in his hand...simply put...a total no no for Jason.
(3) You must have an intelligence level that makes an amoeba look brilliant. I mean really...Freddy is inventive and witty. Freddy comes up with sadistic witty ways to butcher people. Jason does not improvise, Jason does not plan and Jason does not....ABSOLUTELY NOT...have recognition, intelligence or adaptation. He keeps coming at you even though you are mowing him down. In this movie He recognizes his mother's locket. He adapts. This is not Jason.
(4) Jason does not take prisoners. Jason, simply put, is a kill on sight person. He has no use for prisoners and no reason to keep them and no place to put them. He is too stupid to understand how a lock and chain works. In this movie he takes this girl and holds her prisoner. WTF?
Simply put...this is not the Jason that we know and love.
The second set of rules are for everybody else in the movie that is NOT playing Jason:
(1) Screw well...
It is a well known fact that any Jason movie has sex...and lots of it. I mean the whole story is that while the kids were killing Jason Vorhees the counselors were too busy having sex too be watching the children so Jason's mom killed them all in revenge. Jason has a distinct distaste for the act of copulation...which really explains his bad mood because the dude really needs to get laid. So if you are in a Jason movie you have to be able to screw...
(2) Scream well...
You have to be able to belt it out loud and scary. The people in the new movie really fell short on this one. There just wasn't any good screaming done. I think it is an art that was lost with the old school horror movies.
(3) Die well...
Rest in pieces. That is about the sum of it. Screw, scream and die...
In short the movie was a total disappointment. But hey that was just my take on it.
CREEP meter: 2 of 10
2 comments:
"Screw, scream and die"...that really does about sum it all up.
Funny post, babe...
I like that quote too ("screw, scream and die"). They really don't make scary movies like they used to. I'm 40 now so enjoyed most of the old school horror movies in my teens. I'm not sure that my old heart could take some of them now.....
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